Wit and Humour.

Bruce Herald, Volume XXI, Issue 2180, 4 July 1890, Page 5

Wit and Humour.

Bertie Brilliant (driving home from the club, after having taken rather more champagne than he ought) — 'I Bay, how much pleasanter it is to ride in a cab and think how much pleasanter it is to ride in a cab than to walk, than it is to walk and think how muoh pleasanter it is to ride in a cab than it is to walk.'

•Well, well,' mused the love-lorn youth, 'I'm in a fix. If I marry Mabel, people will say that I married her for her money ; and if I suddenly give her up from conscientious motives people will say that she jilted me because lam poor. I guesß I'll bravj opinion and propose at onoo.'

The minister was a great handshaker — shutting down like a vice. One day be shook a boy's hand, and, forgetting, gave it an awful equeez a , and he said — ♦ My little fellow, I hope you are pretty well to-day.' With tears in bis eyes the boy answered — ' I was till you shook hands with me.'

Smart Girl— ' Mr. Nicefellow, this is my little sister, Miss Ella. What do you wish, pet ? Why are you regarding the gentleman co intently ? ' Little sister — ' I was looking for the strings — that's all.' ' Strings ? What strings ? ' ' Why, mamma said you had always two strings to your beau.'

'Ah ! dearest,' eighed a young man, kneeling at the feet of his ownest own, 'do you know what of all things is nearest to my heart ? ' — • Really I cannot say,' she sweetly replied, ' but in this cold weather I should think [it was a flannel vest.' She was too practical, and it broke the engagement.

•Do you know,' said Algernon,' ' your face reminds me of a mirror, for I can see nothing in it but the truth.' 'Oh,' said Gertrude, • I thought you were going to say that when you looked in my face you expected to see your own.' *Eh I ' said Algernon, and then a great light came into hia eyes, and he cried, 'If you would be my own ! ' and Q-ertie said 'I will.'

At a Pariasian restaurant a patron complains of the amount of his bill : — ' But what am I to do ? ' says the host, with a sweeping gesture. ' You can't have frescoes and genuine gilt for nothing.' The customer responds, phlegmatically — ' Let the waiter remove them. I didn't order them.'

In a debate on the leather-tax, in 1795, in the Irish House of Commons, the Chancellor of the Exchequer observed with great emphasis, that, in the prosecution of the present war, every man ought |to give his last guinea to protect the remainder. A uK-mber said that however that might be, the tax on leather would be severely felt by the bare-footed peasantry of Ireland. To which another replied, that this could be easily remedied by making the underleathers of wood.

A law-suit between Foote and Ross, respecting the Edinburgh Theatre, let by the latter to the former, came by appeal before the House of Lords. The matter was terminated in favour of Mr. Ross, and Foot was saddled with the costs. When Foot had paid the bill to Mr. Ross's solicitor, who came from Scotland, he said to hi a — 'Now, when do you return to Scotlond ? ' ' To-morrow.' ' And how do you travel ? I suppose, like the rest of your countrymen, you will do it in the mo3t economical manner.' ' Yes,' replied he. • I shall travel on Foote ! '

It is said that on one occasion as Miss WorJs worth, sister of the poet, was pasßing through a wood, which the stock-dove waa filling with ita soft music, ahe fell in witli a country-woman, who exclaimed, ' I am so fond of stock-doves ! ' • Oh ! ' thought Miss Wordsworth, ' at last I have come on one of nature's poets, with a soul to appreciate the beautiful music of the birds.' Very ruthlessly was the dream disenchanted by an explanai ory remark of the woman's — ' Some likes them in pies, and some likes them roasted, but for my part I think there's nothing like them atewed with onions ! '