Wit and Humour.

Bruce Herald, Volume XXI, Issue 2176, 20 June 1890, Page 5

Wit and Humour.

The metre is no indicator of the amount of gas in a poom.

An engagement is a very fragile thing. It cannot be droppad without breaking it.

Some gentlemen who wind their watches at nighl ar.j apt to wi>d them up tight.

JJo — " I never laugh at an inferior." Sho— " It woul i be impossible for you to do such a thing."

Tiiore ar9 several ways to pay bills, but the maj jrity of the big ones are piid wi'h reluctance.

First little girl — "Is your doll a French doll ? " Second Little Girl—" I don't know ; she can't talk."

Lawyer (explaining to client)" Well, now, my dear sir, to tell you the truth — — " Client (bouueing up and ou() — " Tou are no lawyer."

" I am surprised at Charley'd squandering so much nnney on a phonograph." "Well, I'm not. Ho always did like to hear himself talk "

A negro offering to lift a lady over a gutter, she insisted that she was too heavy. " Lor, miesue," said he, " I'se usod to lifting barrels of sugar."

Poetess — " I Jiavo hore a little poem — the only one I ever wrote, and — " Editor (grandly) — "Keep it, my dear madam, keep it. I would not deprive you of it for the world." SOME MIXED METAPHOR. You may not always keep the height, Wings were not made for endless flight ; And aun-kissed apples on the top, Have often been the first to drop. Mrs Cumso — " Johnny, put on your shoes and go to Mrs Jones and borrow some coffee." Johnny — " Why can't Igo barefooted ? " Mrs Cumso — " But I don't want you to go on a bootless errand." O.ie of the pretty young women at the Arion masquerade represented La Grippe. Some of the young m>.=n present would have given Bomothiog nice to htwe be^n seized by La Grippe — and hold for life.

Miss Thirty-eight (coyly)— " What a pity it seems, Mr Somerset, that a man like you should bo a bachelor." Mr Someraot — " Yes, Miss Tlurty-eight, it does seem a pity, but I cau't help it, you know. I was born so."

One night, during a heated discussion in the Souse of Commons in whioh Florae Tooke bore a principal part, his chief antagonist said, " I'll take the sense of the House." " And I'll take tho nonsense and I'll beat you," retorted Tooke.

Little Sieter— " Ma wnnt.3 you Sammy. Were've you been?" Sammy — "Fishin*. ' Little Sister — '• Did you citch anything ? " Sammy (aadly)— " Nothin' 't all.' Little Sistor (reassuringly)— "Oh, but you will when you get home."

The Paternal View. — D mghtor— " Pa, Mr Slim and I were discussing whioh was the preferable, « he will go,' or 'he shall go. 1 What do you say? "Pa (looking nt his watch) — " As it is 11.30 o'clock, I should say •he must go' was the correct expression."

Mother — " John, you weut to church as usual to-day ? " Son— Ye?, mother." Mother — " What was tho text ? " Sou—-" Well, er— you see I didn't got there in time to hear fcbo text." Mothor — " What was the gist of the ? ormon P " Son — " I ca,n't tell. You soo, m.'i.'hor, I came out. just before he got to the gist." _