AMUSING.

Bruce Herald, Volume XIII, Issue 1207, 28 May 1880, Page 6

AMUSING.

It's never too late to mend — an old pair of pants. The mnn who carries everything bef re him - The wai'c. A mince piu at bed time is the shortest route to ci menagerie. Some newspapers try hard to create a sensation, whereas they oi-'ly succeed in making a bustle. Don't judge a man by h'vs family connections, for Cain belonged to a very good family— the best there ■was. If evil communicatioiu corrupt ,<_ood ra;mi»r?, the oyster niuat be a bad fish, for he's brought up with a i\ike. Notwithstanding mot, l; of the quinine comes from their country, the Peruvians c.m'b stop a Chiii furor for more tcni'.ory. On a dark night, with four clotbos-liues stretcked across the back yard, the most sjnsitive part of a man is hia high hat. A correspondent asks v : " What is your idea of tho Mvddoat thing on eurth?" Easy enough! A tcvlor with a good memory. A Main paper remarks of a coiUemp >rary that "It has got a tri- wei-kly. It comes 'jut om: week, and tries to come out the next. A dental journal says tho reason so nj :ny men fail as orators is because they have loot some of their teeth. Bosh! Look at a h«u: hasn't and never had a tooth, in her head, aud did the denial editor never hi a" a hen mount tho fence and deliver a two hours' oration over one egg no bigger than a lemon ? Quack. — " So you prefer my mo.iicincs to thoss of Dr. Piiisbury?" Mrs. Mulligan. — "Och, indadc, docther, dear, yo'ro a deal bitter than the other i-M \iinbut;. " " I predict," says Caudle tho other day to his bosom friend, "a mild winter." '"Ou what grounds?" "My Wife and her mother have gone to Europe to stay till spring. "Buy a trunk, l j <ie, "said v, dealer. " And what for should I buy a trunk? " rejoined Pat. "To put your clothes in, " vrr.s the reply. " And go nakjd? " exclaimed Pat; " not a bit iv ii?" " Wnat must I do, " 6aid a mean mau to a friend who knew him only too well, "to get a picture of the one whom I love be^l? " " The easiest way, " was the reply; is to hit for your own portrait. " He was was inclined to be facetious. "What quantities of dried grasses you keep here, Miss Stebbius? Nice room for a donkey to get into." '• Make yourself at home, " she replied with muoh gravity. A nervous Chicago man had a tooth pulled, and, a3 he came bounding out oi the dentist's chair into a room where half a dozen other patients sat, he inspired them with terror by howling: "am I all here? Will someone please take a census of me?' 1 An Irish physician was called to examine the corpse of another Irishman, who had been assassinated by some of his countrymen. "This person" said he, after inspecting the body, " was so ill, that if he had not been murdered, he would have died half an hour before." 11 Fellow-citizens, " said a local candidate, " there are three topics that now agitate tho State — greenbacks, taxes, and the penitentiary. I sh^ll pass over the first two very briefly, as my sentiments are well known, and come to the penitentiary, where I shall dwell for some time. "Are you fond of " Hog's tales?,' said a rather verdant lady to a shepherd. " Yes I likes 'em roasted wi' salt on 'em," was the response. "Is o but I ineau have you read 'Hog's Tales?' " Noa," said the butukiu, "our hoga are all white or black —l don't think there is a red one ainone; 'em." The best case of absent-mindedness of which we have lately heard was that nf a Heidelberg professor. While he was crossing the street ■a wateaing-cart let its flood loose upen him. The professor quietly raised his umbcrella and walked two blocks before ho discovered that the sun was shining brightly. City editor to dissolute reporter: " Its a pity you should go on so. Be a mm, and keep sober, aad you mi o 'ht make your mark. " Dissolute reporter: '• Can (hic)do more,n that now; can write my name." If a woman hr.d the ballot, what would she do with it? It isn't lone enough for a belt, or big enough fora bustle. "— 'North American Review.' A couutry editor bci.g asked " Dohogs pay?" says a great many do not. They tako the paper several years, and then have the postmaster send it back " Refused. " The Emperor of Germany reads tho Bible every morning, but you wouldn't think it, to hear what he says in the night, when he hears the fire bells ringing, and can only find one boot and no matches. Mme. de K. is the wife of a novelist who does not give any signs of leaving any property behind him. "If I had known, ([ she said the other d;iy, " I should certainly noc have married a man who places at the foot of all his works tho n^Lije : reproduction is forbidden. "