The Artful Dodger..

Bruce Herald, Volume IX, Issue 891, 23 March 1877, Page 5

The Artful Dodger. .

; ■ - - - — ' ' ♦ . ' If there's a hole in a % ye'r coats, I red ye tent it ; A chiel a amang ye takln' notes, An faith he'lfprent it. I feel flattered, Mr Editor, with the kind soft-soapey way in which you call upon me to slide into the shoes of your popular contributors, "John Smith" and " The Intelligent Vagrant." You say that my former contributions, of very many years ago, under the incog, of " Tussocker " brought me into such repute that you know of no oue else so well fitted as myself To hold as t'were the mirror up to Nature in your columns, as *' John Smith " and " The Intelligent Vagrant " have so long done, in a jocular and inoffensive manner. You say that there are occasions when items of news reach your wallet which are unsuitable for insertion under any of tbe many headings adopted by you, and which are yet too good to lose, and promise to aid me with such occasional scraps which will thus fall from the rich man's table into my artful pallet. The emoluments promised I cannot resist, please therefore send me a stamped agreement in duplicate, and I am yours so long as the pay is forthcoming, as, though artful, I am honest, and wish to pay my way (fact is just at present I can't get tick hereabout). When I last sent you occasional notes I was a tussocking in the Taieri Plains, but shortly thereafter bard work and I quarrelled, and I have taken to a new line of life, finding that I can make more out of my head than my hands. And thus I manage to dodge along through life as b^st I can — Let tUe world jog along as it will, I'll live free and easy. Will you kindly, Mr Editor, convey to the numerous friends and patrons of J. S aud I. V. my very best regards, and inform them that, aa occasion from time to time require, I will continue to favour them with that prominence they have so long enjoyed ; but that, artful as I am, aud dodger as I would be, in so far as they are each and all concerned, we start fair, my motto being — Nothing extenuate, nor aught set down in malice. Need I say that I refer to our special friends, Messrs Geo. Capstick, Peter Farrell, Grabba', Lickspittle, Truthful James, Goodie, Councillor Moses, and Jacki the-inug. I send you a short article for insertion in your columns, entitled, "An American Editor." If any Mr Buckners come your way on my account kindly give him my card, and tell him pistols aud coffee are my weakness, at auy hour convenieut by night or by day— spot, a tight little island on the Taieri river disputed territory between the Bruce and Taieri County Councils ; or, say, tbe Balclutha Bridge, which it seems no one will own. If you, Mr Editor, are very anxious to do any Bennett- May business, which may arise, please add a foot-note relieving me of responsibility. « Mr Buckner — miss out the n Mr Printer, and the cap will fit our young and smart limb of the law in bis latest character, as he appeared recently, Bucker or Buckjumper, a la Cowie v. Richardson (see your last issue), in which defendant's couusel was fairly unseated, and ignominiously thrown — no one knows where, not having since ventured out into the light of day. Our two legal representatives were fairly "at sea " in finding out their several clients in Court on the day previous to the buckjumping case. When Mr Farrell announced the cross actions of assault. Brookes v. Snooks, and Snooks v. Brookes, " I appear for Brookes," said Mr Reid. "No ; I appear far Snooks." " I appear for Snooks," said Mr Taylor. "No; I appear for Brookes," His Worship, observing that the two limbs of the law had got rather muddled, said, " Well, gentlemen, who do you really appear for ?" Mr Taylor, looking at both plaintiff and defendant, said, "I don't kn&v; fact, really." A happy thought then seemed to strike him at last, as he announced, "I appear for the man with the painted eye." This appears to have proved a satisfactory settlement of indentification .to counsel, although it would not have suited my own scientific ideas, black not being a color — but of course I'm out, blue is. However, his Worship poured oil on the troubled waters, as he addressed the litigants : "Well, as your lawyers don't recognise you, and you appear to be countrymen, could you not shake hands over this matter, and thus settle it." J:Je Gf etbcolored eye agreed, the other offered no objection, and they departed from the Court in ' peace. I wasn't there, but wonder if counsel demanded fees. Oh, I forgot! of course the fees are payable in advance. Would they then, Mr Editor, return the fees in such a case ? Kindly inform your readers, as I have one or two special friends whose eyes I would like to color on the cheap, I have a marriage in high life to reoord, and I know that such tit-bits arc always appreciated by the ladies, whose good wishes I am most anxious to gain at the earliest possible moment. The maiu street of Miltou was for once in many months past ? lately enlivened by the wedding party, 1 who, occupying two carriages, created quite a sensatiou in their triumphal progress through our streets, the dress of the bride being of the must gaudy and r.eckaxbe desciiptisti ; but 1 cannot enter into details. The father of the bride, who is a very old and very dear friend of mine, looked his very best. I have missed him for many months past at the public-house bars of Miltou, where he had the reputation of being the best dancer of an Irish jj<j pf p night, when half, qr three quarters, off— and as seldom as possible was he otherwise. ] However, I am exceedingly gl»2 tuat he has turned over a new leaf, and have some hopes c»f ir»yse?f ;>fter £hja. May every sucoess atteqd you and yours Johnny W —n. I hope, Mr Editor, this will fetch you a new suDscHb.ej'. Jf so please credit my account with the tfsual commission. I suppose tor a start at least I must not exceed the column of space to which you have restricted me ; but I should so like to say a word to my very old and very dear young friend, tbe charmer of the fair sex of this district par excellance, of whom I overheard the following conversation the other night hetween a well known mother of Milton, and her charmipg daughter -» — * Ma, that nice young man, ivlr Jones, is very fond of kissing," " Mind your seam, Julia ; who told you such nonsense ?" "Ma I had it from his own lips." And the dear girl pressed an exquisite photograph of Jones against her heart, and went on sewing.