Amusing.

Bruce Herald, Volume IX, Issue 890, 20 March 1877, Page 3

Amusing.

A Popular Serial. — What. Floating Debt. — An unpaid-for yacht. Joining the Shakers. — Getting the ague. Why is a benevolent man like a rogne ? — Bacause ho takes poor people in. " Black Btockingß of all colours " was lately advertised in a country newspaper. Why are you not a donkey's tail ?— Answer : Because you are no end of an ass. Why are there three objections to taking a glass of brandy? — Because there are three scruples to a dram. " Sambo, did you ever see the Catskill Mountains ?" ' l No, eah ; but I've Been urn kill mice." Said a philosopher : "My friend conducted his future wife to the altar — and here his leadership came to an end." Miss Bremer tells us that the life of a rich old bachelor is a splendid breakfast, a tolerable flat dinner, and a miserable supper.. A city missionary was asked the cause of his poverty. " Principally," said he " because I hsve preached so much without notes." There is said to be something consoling for every ill in this life. For instance, if a man is bald-headed, his wife can't pull his hair. A charming young lady who attends evening church service regularly is called the " vesper belle " by the distracted youth of the parish. " We find that he came to bis death from trying to cut out Joe Willet in courting Susie Jack&ou," was the verdict recently of a ooroner'sjury in Arkansas. When a Canada girl loves, she does ' love. In a breach of promise suit, the other day, it was shown that a young lady wrote to her lover eight times a day. Why do lawyers enter, pursue, and leave their profession ? — They enter it to get on ; they pursue it to get oner (honor) ; and they leave it to get onest (honest). "Ab," moaned a widow recently bereaved, " what a misfortune ! I know what kind of a husband I have lost, but how can I know what kind of a husband his successor will be,'* A man was lately imprisoned in New York for beating his wife. As he was ! locked up, he said, " I've one comfort, I anyhow ; and tbat ie, that I am not sent i to gaol for doing a mean thing." Sir G-eorge Beaumont ouce met Quid at a small dinner- party- There was a delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pushing towards Quin, begged him, to taate. A gentleman had just before helped himself to an immense piece of it. " Pray," said Quin, looking first at the gentleman's plate and then at tho dish, '* which is the puddiag ?'' " Arrah, Pat, and why did I marry ye, just till me that, for its myself that's had to maintain ye ever since the blessed day that Father Q'Flannagan sent me home to. yer house?" — " Swate jewel," replied Pat not relishing the charge, "and its myself that hopes I may live to see the day when ye're a widow, wapeing over the cowld sod that covers me— then I'll see how ye got without me, honey.*' An eminent Scottish divine happened to meet two of his parishioners at the house of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer jocularly and ungraciously put the question — " Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as white or black sheep ?" " I don't know," answered the divine, dryly, " whether they are black or white sheep ; but I know if they are here long they are pretty sure to be fleeced." Some literary and scientific gentlemen one day dined with Hogg at his farm of Mount Banger, when it was mentioned by some one that it was a strange thing that Dr Parr should have been married in a somewhat clandestine way, and that nobody knew who his wife was, or anything about her. " Ah a " said the Shepherd, "I am afraid B^e must have been ft' little below JP(vr. Mr Hogg acknowledged this to be the only pun h^ ere* maifci -