Amusing

Bruce Herald, Volume VIII, Issue 725, 13 August 1875, Page 3

Amusing

When a maiden gets married she ends a misspent life. • President Grant and King Kalakaua have exchanged telegrams, calling each other "great and good" men. Here's hoping they may know each other b^ter,

The best way to double a flock of sheep is to fold them. '

" People who send us ' communications ' for 'publication aee ' requested } not to ' quote ' and underscore so Much. THIS is about the loay a good deal of ' matter * would LOOK if we printed it as it is ' WEITTEN.' "

Bothering a rich man by boasting of a set of malachite studs he had just bought, a fop asked if he did not admire them. "Oh, yes," replied the man of wealth, "very much indeed; I've got a mantelpiece like them at home." A precocious boy in an up-town family was asked which was the greater evil of the two, hurting another's feelings or his finger. He said the former. "Eight, my dear child," said the gratified questioner ; " and why is it worse to hurt the feelings ?" " Because you can't tie a rag round them," explained the dear child. Mens Conscia. — Inspector (who notices a backwardness in History) : " Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.) Inspector (more urgently) : " Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.) Inspector (angrily) : " Who signed Magna Charta ! ! ?" Scapegrace (thinking matters are beginning +~ 1 -- 1 ' ".""r"' ' u i?i^^<,, uir, twasn t me, sir ! ! — ' Punch.'

A boy once asked his father who it was that lived next door to him, and when he heard the name, inquired if he was a fool. " No, my little friend, he is not a fool, but a very sensible man. But why did you ask the question?" "Because," replied the boy, "mother said the other day you were next door to a fool, and I wanted to know who lived next door to you." An Eventful Day in the Life of a Lady. — During a trip on the street cars she saw the loveliest polonaise pattern she ever saw in her life, the handsomest fellow she ever saw in her life, the homeliest woman she ever saw in her life, got the worst fright she ever had in her life from the drunkest man she ever saw in her life, never was so insulted in her life as she was by a young man who spoke to her on the car, and finally got home feeling more tired than she ever felt in her life.

Spicy Correspondence. — Alexandra Dumas once received the following note signed by a French Count : — " Monsieur, — I have the honor to propose to you to associate yourself with me in the composition of a drama. Your name will figure by the side of mine; you alone composing the drama, and I alone defraying all the expenses of the first representation. You shall have all the profits, for I work only for glory." Dumas replied : " Monsieur, — I have never been in the habit of harnessing together in my carriage a horse and an ass. I regret, then, not to be able to accept your very kind proposition." The Count responded : " Monsieur Dumas, — I received your note of refusal to unite our literary labors. You are at liberty not to understand your own interest, but do not allow yourself in the future to call me a horse." " How very beautiful," was the soliloquy of a young and ardent spirit -as, gazing steadfastly upwards at nothing, he Btepped out of the cars at IJone Moantain into a pool of mud ! How very beautiful ! The subject of this rhapsody had on a Neilson hat, smothered in a veil of smoke-colored gauze ; the upper part of her chest was protected from the prevalent north wind by cotton comforters of spherical shape. A penitential strap was tightly fastened around her slender waist, with an imitation antique silver buckle, succeeded by a mysterious rhamboid with pocketa in it. Her nether limbs were shackled with a constricted skirt, which she was obliged to pull up sideways in order to mount the steps, showing thereby a firm, well-shaped foot and ankle. She entered the cemetery, and, after furtively plucking some flowers from other people's graves, sat down upon a marble tablet near a freshly-turned sod. Mournfully she drew a stick of candy from her pocket ; sadly she bit off a large piece, and once more lapsed into reverie. He had followed, and, concealed by a tombstone, watched her every movement. Suddenly she uttered a half-stifled shriek, followed by a subdued sob, and then a thrill of agony convulsed her frame. He could no longer endure the sight, and, rushing forward, exclaimed, " Whence this distress ? Why this sorrow ? Oh, let me know your woes and share your grief !" She turned upon him a look of ineffable sweetness, and sharply said, " Bet your boots you'd cry too if you'd bit your tongue as bad as I have !"