WIT AND HUMOUR.

Bush Advocate, Volume XI, Issue 863, 25 November 1893, Page 6

WIT AND HUMOUR.

A billiard ball oft gives a kiss for a blow. Many a bankrupt buainess man can testify to tho impossibility of keeping one's head above water and above whisky at the same time. " Well," said the man who handed his last shilling to the li wyer, "I suppose turn about is fair play. I broke the law and the law broke me."

In No Mood for Sympathy. — The milkman gathered himself up from the ruins of his demolished waggon, scraped the whitish gray mud from his clothing, smoothed out tho dents in his hat, wiped from his whiskerß the dripping fluid that had drenched his face when the catastrophe came, gave one glance at the runaway horae disappearing down the street, surveyed tho dirtywhito puddleß that represented his stock in trade, and turned to the crowd. " All I've got to say," he observed, rolling up his coat sleeves and speaking in the tone of a man accustomed to calling cattle, " is that the first son-of-a-gun that says a word about it's being no uso crying ovor spilt milk is going to get his blamed head punohad.'' — " Chicago Tribune."

He Preferred the Night-Shirt.— A deaf old follow escorted a pretty girl to an entertainment. To make him hear it was necessary for her hor to talk pretty loud — so loud, that all in their vicinity could her and enjoy the conversation. At length, discoursing of things he liked or disliked, Bhe asked : "Do you like bananas ?" The old gentleman seemed to understand, and yet was surprised. Ha in turn bent over towards the young lady, and said to her in quite a loud tone, " No, I like the old-fashioned night-shirts best." A quiet titter went round among the hearers. The young lady blushed furiouily at the idea that she had been understood as asking the old follow ho w he lised the new-fangled pyjamas. Tailor : "~\ou promised me faithfully yesterday morning that you woald oall in and settle for that suit last night if it rained pitchforks." Gus do Smith : •« Tcb, I know ; but it didn't rain pitchforks." EAGERLY AWAITED. A transformation popular You'll always find that this is, With girls I mean ; 'tis that one from X A Miss into a Mrs.

He Had the Best Claim.— One night a judge, a military officer and a minister all applied for a night's lodging at an inn, where there waß but one spare bed, and the landlord was oalled upon to decide which had the best olaim out of the three. " I have lain fifteen years in tho garrison at A ," said the officer. " I hava sat as judge twenty years at E ," said the judge. " With your leave, gentlemen, I have stood for twenty-fiva years in the ministry at M ," said tha minister. " That settles all dispute," said the landlord. "You, Mr Captain, have lain fifteen years ; you, Mr Judge, have Bat twenty years ; while this old gentleman haß been standing for tho last twenty-five years, so ho has certainly the best claim to the bed." WISE MEN AND FOOLS. A little liquor now and then Is relished by ths wisest men ; But foolish men desiro to wet Their throats with all that they can get. Visitor (at Chioago restaurant) : " This bill of fare is in French." Waiter : " Yes, Bah ; but tho prices is in English, sah. Mos' folks goes by dem." Too Goon to be True— Fanny: "Why are you cryiug, love 1 I should think you would ba very happy, engagod to such a nice young man as ho is !" Annie: "Oh, lam afraid he won't bo true to me ." " Why, he's very, very good, isn't he ?'' " Yes ; but I'm afraid he's too good to bo true !"

His Invariable Rule. — He had placed a fine diamond ring on her finger, in token of their betrothal. For awile she was supremely happy. Thon a terrible thought ooourred to her. Had her sweetheart over loved another 1 Was sho the only girl who had ever won his affections ? She would ask him and end the doubt. " Frank, dear 1" " What is it, sweetness?" *' Has any other girl evor worn this ring 1" No, indeed. I get a new ring every timo I am engaged."

SOKCi OF THB SEASHORE. Ofttimes beside the lisping sea My lovo and I went straying : The whilo in softest tones to me Tho happy waves were saying : "O, lovo is joy Without alloy, 'Tis Eden's gracions portal : Aud whita yoa may, Enjoy to-diy, For you'ro a favored mortal." But wheu wo ronched tho season's olose, And oe<ised our summer jaunting, Sho jiltod me in tonos that froze — I heard the wavelets taunting " O, love's a fake, A cruel shake; Good-bye to strolls and tennis ; farewell ice cream ! Yale love's young dream ! Ha, ha ! Your name is Dennis. She : " My papa doesn't wantyou to come to sco me."

Ho (irreverently) : " Your papa must be a a kicker." She : " That's what several young men have found out who have coma here against his wishes." Teachor : What are you boys fighting abont ? Tommy Lakeside : Why, that ohump was a-trying' to make believe that Adam was tho first man, when everybody knews 'twas Columbus"—" Chicago Inter-Ocean." Mr Lenz (photographer) : — •* I have not fora long tune had so good a sitter as yon aro. Tho oppression is exactly right. How do you gain such control ovor your faoial muscles? Aye yon an actor?" Mr Rodstor : "No, nir." Mr Lenz: " Well, well ! Perhaps you aro a bicyclist ?" Mr Rhodster: "Yes, Lam." Mr Lenz: " Ah, that explains it. It conies from riding tho machine on cobble-stones, and trying to iook as if you enjoyed it." Landlord : You should always pay as you go, young man. Impecunious Boarder: True ; tut I dgn't intend to go for six months yet.