WIT AND HUMOUR.

Bush Advocate, Volume IX, Issue 668, 27 August 1892, Page 6

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Rather shaky — An earthquake. A REOULAi'.OldStict-in-the-Mud— Au anchor. " He : " M&ttio, if I only dared to kios you !" ° Sho: " Harry, whatever you are, don't be a p coward." " Boaicdee* "It looks now ns it the weather h had settled." Landlady: "Yea; it has set a ? very good example." ll Butoiusb : " I say, Bill, haro you delivered * Mrs. Hustler's joint and Mrs. Smith's ribs ? ' Well, then, cut out Mr. Tones' liver and run up v with Airs. Simpkins 1 kidneys." c "Dons your pastor permit himself to mako t jol;ej iu the pulpit ?" said one lady to another. '' •'Oh, yea," was the answer, in an apologetic t tone ; '■ but they are never very good ones, s i mm! no ouo Uughn." "Now that I have my bran-new train," 1 Sho said with joyous smile ; ' " I think I'll take a little walk \ And clean the streets awhile." j " And you really think that a miss is as good t as a mile ?" " Yaas, and a good deal better ; i for one can kiss a miss, when one couldn't kiss I j a mile, doncherknow !" ( ) TJtmixG the late Zulu war, Dr. , entering 7 the surgery, met and asked Paddy Doyle, the j orderly, which he thought the most dangcrou j of the cases in tbe hospital. " That, sir," slid 1 Paddy, with a jerk of the thumb, p«inting to a ( case of surgical instruments on the table. ] • THE TJNBEASOJfADLE MAIDEN. < j I pressed her lips, and she said "Oh " 1 In anger, too, forsooth ; ; ' And yet full well this maiden kutw f ' I dto null her tooth. 5 1 His eule.— Mr. Ardup : " Can't you come around to-morrow ?" Man with Bill : " No, sir. I never put off till to-morrow what ought to bo dunned to-day." A testimonial. — A houso-paintor once applied for an engagement at a theatre. " I eucloßO you a newspaper cutting," he said, " to show you that I have aptitude for the stage." The cutting was as follows: "The prisoner, who denied the assault, conducted his own caee, and defended himself in a somewhat dramatic manner. A NATURAL INFERENCE. The winds wore kissing the roses With many a fragrant sigh ; The western clouds were blushing, And kissing the bending sky ; The earth was kissing theshadons-*-And you truly muy infer. As my darling was beside me, That I was kissing hor. A Light Liver. — "Bromley, here's an account of a woman who lived forty-oight days on water." " That'B nothing, Darringer. My father has been livins on water for the last ten years." "Do you expect me to believe that — eh ? Why don't you add that he grew fat on itt" "Well, he did. He's a sea captain." HE IOST HEE. Ho had asked her to niarrry him, and was waiting impatiently for her answer. "Will you expect me to keep house?" she finally asked. '•No, indeed, my love; the servants will attend to ull that." " You won't ask me to make tho bread, or broil beef-steaks ?" " Cprtainly not, my angol ; we will have a cook." '" And I will not bo compelled to pound the wash-board?" "How can you a?k such a question? No, no, no." " Then I cannot marry you. I have been brought up to do all thoae things, and I could not be happy in a lit'o of idleness." When ho realised what a treasure ho had lost, he went sadly to*hia luxurious homo, and vowed to remaiu a bachelor for ever. Diagnosed. — Husband : " What did the doctor say, Mary?" Wife: "Not much. Ha usked me to put out my tongue." Husband : " Yea." Wifo : " And he said, ' overworked !' " Husband (with a loug breath of reliof) : " Then you'll havo to give it a rest. That doctor knows his business." BECIEETS. I've scribbled many a tender note, In language soft and sweot ; I'vo written many a loving verse With van-numbered foot, . ' I've jilted the (jirl I wrote them to, And oh ! it gives me pain To think how silly and cheap I'll feel When I hear them in Court again ! The Old Lady and the Skabt Shopman — An austere-looking female walked into a furrier's establishment, and said to the yellow-' headed shopman : "I would liketogetamuff.'' "What fur?" demanded the shopman. "T.ot keep my hands warm, yon simpering idiot!" exclaimed the venerable female. IF YE'ZXi I.AVE HE ALOHE. Oh. Larry, now Larry, it's no use a-talkin', Yo're too bould entoirely to suit a girl's taste? Ye'ro nivor content wid a shmile an' a curtsy, An' here ye are now wid your arm round my waist? Ye bodther my life out wid beggin' for kisses, An' the more ye do get, why, the bouldher yo're grown : An' whin I don't give 'am, it just makes no differ—

Ye take 'em ; but, Larry, aow lave me alone. Faith, what would tha niisthress say, man, did she fiud ye For iver a-foolin' round me at my work ? Ye'ro a tyrant that take what ye happen to fancy — No better, I'll swear, than a haylhon-born Turk! Oh, Larry, my lad, you've a tongue for the blarney ! Sure now, 'twould be meltin' the heart of a shtone, Wid both hands in the dough I kin niver resist ye— Ye know it— an' yit ye won't lave me alone ! Oh, Larry, now Larry, be good an' shtop tajsin' ! There somebody comin', quit foolin', and hush ! An' will I say "Yes?" will I have ye ? Oh, Larry, Ye'd b* charmin' the very birds off of the hush ! I must i:nrao a day soon when the banns shall • be published; Kin I niver escape ye ? Och hone, lad, och hono! Mast I marry ye whedder or no? Yo're a villain ! But, Larry, I will— if ye'U lave me alone !