WIT AND HUMOUR.

Bush Advocate, Volume V, Issue 354, 16 August 1890, Page 11

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Invariably, ahead— The source of a river. A man without a country : He whom business keeps in town. Nbveic black your teacher's eye. It might , endanger his pupil. All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. A condtjotob of a street car calls it "True Love," because it never runs smooth. The peace problem of Europe ; " I wonder if the other fellow's gun is really loaded ?" " None but the braye deserve the fair." And oven the brave can't live with some of 'em. If some men were half as big as they think they are the world would have to be enlarged. A lady refers to the time she spends in front of her looking-glass as " moments of reflection." Thbbe's many a slip 'twist the cup and the lip, but the moustache never fails to get into the' soup. The nearest approach to rapid transit seen in New York is the way passengers rush for the station. Dm anyone ever hear of the pension list Wing decreased on account, of death* or do pensioners live for ever ? ££ggti A bridge collapsed with a Decoration Day parade in New Hampshire. It couldn't keep up with' the procession. Hood, in describing the meeting of a man and ; a lion, said : The man ran off with all his might ' and the lion with all. his mane." Fbom the endless discussions which it has; , provoked, the law for executions by electricity , is likely to kill off more judges than criminals. Rural BRBF.-rT-Farmer'fl wife : "Why do you , get up and leave that piece ef steak ?" Tramp: " I didn't ask for work, mama; I asked for something to eat." The Populab Tsrsra.— Father .: " What does your college course inolude P" Son (more fond of boating than books): "A full mile straight away and return," It Affected the Baby's PabbntsVtoo. — Tomßigbeej "I hear your baby was troublesome. What oils it ?" Walker Knight (wearily): "Insomnia." Stjkkee Boabdino.— Algernon de Swellton : "Will you please pass me the naenuP" Eliza Jane: "\Ve havn't any this morning, sir. They're not in season yet. A Coloured clergyman in a Southern, town prayed the other day that the indelicate might be made delicate, the intemperate temperate, and the industrious dustrious., We will Boon have aa many record-smashing ocean steamers .as Iwe now have ahdmpion pugilists. It is to be hoped that the one class will not wind up with such bursts as the other. Duds to doctor : " Anything' serious' wrong with me doctor V Doctor slowly : ** Your condition is serious, but not necessarily fatal. I have discovered evidence of a growth of brainß." Judge (to prisoner) : "So you were drunk and disorderly. What have you to say F» Prisoner: "I have a good deal to say, honour, if you'll only give me time to say it" Judge t " Certainly; with pleasure.' , Sixty ,dkye wijl be enough, won't it P Our object is to please^' (Little girl has josi returned from market,) Mother: "Well. Mary Ann^didn't.the butcher have pig's feet ? y Mary. Ann i Oh,, mamma 1 I went and looked, but I could not see whether he had pig's feet or not, for he had bis boots on." A bathes main lady asks the opinion of ier minister: "Is it a sin to feel ,a trifle of vanity when lam called handsome by ; a gentleman ?" " Not a sin for you, my child, but a terrible responsibility hongs upon the gentleman." "Do you see that man P That is jfnaroah Banks, the successful gambler." " Indeed P They say his skill with cards absolutely beggars description." '.' I shouldn't wonder if it aid. It beggars everyone he plays with." A Pbbfeot Match. — " Young Jingle surely can't shave with such a jagged razor," remarked Giles. * ' Indeed he does,'' replied Merrit. "It's the only kind he can use on hiß face; You know he is so covered with pomples." Deserved a Pension : " You say you fought all through the war, but I canH find your name on any of the enlistment rolls." " I know it. I wasn't enlisted, nought withmy wife." Boabdeb : " Mrs. Smith, I am obliged to sa that I am afraid yonr pies will break my teeth.v Mrs. Smith : " Sir, I made pies before yol were born." Boarder: " That's just what suspected." Cabbx (who has received his correct far«)a " Call yourself a gentleman? Why, I keeps better gentleman thanlyou'to black my ]^oots. ' Fare : " Pity you don't keep another to was h your face !" Kept heb Awake.—" George," she said blissfully, as the clock struck 12, and the dog's sharp, incisive bark rang out on the midnight air, " I'm so glad you wore that necktie. I don't feel a bit sleepy/ ' "Yes," said Smith to Jones, "Vm a Hard worker, and I've always got a deal on my hands." " Yes," said Jones, " I notice you have always a deal on your hands, but then you save trouble and soap by it." ' poet was once waiKing witj jS, laueyrand in the street, reciting some of his verses. Talleyrand, perceiving at a short distance a man yawning, pointed him out to the poet, saving: "Not so loud; he hears you." {b. Jason : I saw spmething to-day tnat would make a man's hair stand on end. Mrs. Jason : Gracious ! What Was it ? Mr. Jason : A bottle of mucilage. I is — " began Tommy, when his teacher interrupted him. " That is wrong ; you should say, ' I am.' " " All right," said Tommy. " I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."