GREAT UNCLE LECIMUS.

Bush Advocate, Volume V, Issue 354, 16 August 1890, Page 5

GREAT UNCLE LECIMUS.

My name is Hodectts, and I liave tea children. England ©uldn't be what it is but for ♦he Hodgettf ATge families are witli us HodtrPttseß- •*. «iy it ?— au idiosyncrasy. My father w*. Aiue ©f ten. all boys : none of whom died in infancy ; all of whom roirried, and all of whom developed the family idiosyncrasy — with thp exception of D^C'mue, the voungeet, who was a bachelor. When 1 say that ea«h of my uncles h<>d p. child named Desirous, -we Hodgettees will, I am sure, hnve your sympathy and commiseration. There was ©uly one thing we disagreed about, for wo were a very united family ; and that was the pnsBfission of Great- nnrle Deoimus. My century of nephews and nieces all called him great-uncle; BJid we alllored and respected him far beyond lite deserts ; for there was nothing particularly nice or attractive about Great-uncle Decimus, and there was a good deal of mystery. In the first place., boVhlv ever knew where Great- < nncle Deeimus livod. *'A letter will always find me at Hobson and Jobcon's, in Great i Winchester street, you know/ he would say. I Now Hohfon and Jobson were an old tirm of East India merchants, and Great-uncle Decimua Iwid once been in their service in Boml&hy. We all looked upon Great -uncle Decimus 88 a wealthy and eccentric miser ; and our mouths nsed to water when Great-uncle Decimua would begin one of hi? Indian etories in his wellknown manner : " When I was out iv Bombay, having a pull at the pagoda-tree/ or " One day (is my fcitmutghar handed me a glass of brandy-pawnee," or " Calcutta, as you know, ts called the City of Palaces." \Ve couldn't have the elightest doubt of it : Great-uncle Dedmus's accumulations probably exceeded the n-ildest dreams of avarice. Ho was assuredly a very wealthy man — he was so particularly Btingy •; he never spent any tiling on nifl clothes", lie never gave anything to the servants at the houses where he stayed ; and he always caused hia hosts the greatest possible ninount'of inconvenience ana nnuoyonct\ His wants were numerous. Imprimis, he required a lire in his bedroom all the year round ; socondly, when ho wasn't eoliug he always had a iwle and pungent abomination in his mouth — a long thin kind of cigar, with a straw through the middle, which he called a "Trichi." He required to be fed upon Indian dishes, and compelled his hostceses to procure the condiments necessary for their preparation at expensive shops in the West End. Then, again, he wasn't a fixed festival — he wob a movable feast ; he always made au appointment for what ho called hia next year's visit; and he inevitably kept it) unless you had a death in your family. On the second day of Great-uncle Iteciinus's visitation, after breakfast he would invariably produce a fat black book. " Any changes in this family since I was here last ? " he would remark in a oovi descending manner. " Baby, little Tommy, was born just six months ago, great uncle," his hostese would remark. ""Name of infant,^ Great-uncle Df cimua would reply with alacrity —•'full Christian name, if you pleaee,'' "Thomas Decimua," the mother would answer with a blush. •' Exact date of birth f" the old man would inquire, " I have to be particular," he would say; "there are several Thomas Deciinnres in <he family. We mustn't forget your little Thomas Decimus, my dear," he would odd in a patronising manner. " Any | losses, my dear ?° the old man would remark \n a businesslike way ; and then the death of Jacky or Alexander would bo duly noted, i Great-uncle Decimus would make an erasure, i iukl tho following consolatory remark: "So : mtich the better for his dear little brothers and sisters," ho would say with a sigh ; and then he would replace the book in his pocket and light one of his awful cheroots. My wife hates the very name of tobacco, and yet ehe was a willing martyr for her children's sake, "i can't boar the tinell of any other cigars but youis, Uncle Docimuß," ehe would say; and theu Greatuncle IkKiiuius v ould order the lunch and dinner. As he would naively put it, " I bate giving trouble, my dea>r, you know. A simple {Milan of fowl, a prawn curry, and a glass of old Madeira is good enough for old Decimus Hodgetts any day." When a young^ Hodgetts married, the first tiling he or the did after the honey moon was to arrange for an early visit from Great-uncle Decimus. It wiia a prudent soi tot" thing to do, you know ; it seemed almost like insuring one's life. All tho old man's underclothing wns confectioned by thehauds of his affectionate female relatives. My wife used to knit him 6ocks ; mother's niece by marriage made his shirts ; tho younger members of the family usrd to work him braces and knee-caps, and present him with dozens of large silk handkerchiefs b"mmed and marked by their own fair finuers. There's a vast it mount or sbinsnness in tin's wicked world. A good many of us Hodyettsee. I'm afraid, rather looked forward to tfie death of Gveat-uncio Dccimus and what they wore in tho habit of speaking of as tho division of his property. Any seriouß matter that involved a considorablo expenditure of moiuy they would postpone till " the time when, in the ordinary course of nature, the dear old man shall be taken from us.'' For instance; we didn't keep a carriage ; but we had fully determined to do bo who* Grait-anclc Pecimus should puss away. , Ah, what, a sdiish world this is ! Wo Hodj>ettses were always a little bit jealous of my eldest brother Jasper— not so much because bo was tho eldest sen of the family, being the eldest son of tho eldtwt son (somebody nmst be tho eldest son of fche family, you know), but because Great-uncle Decimus invariably spent tut Christmas at. my brother Jasper's. Thorn was no eart'nly reason why ho should favour Jusper more timn anybody else : but he did, and we all smarted under the injustice of it. The - } day alter Christmas Day luat year, as we were tatting down to lunch, our parlour-maid > handed me a telegram. It ran as follows : — Regret ([to anneance doutii of Groat-unale Deciuius. Come round at once.— Jahp.br. " 1 always knew it would be so," cried my wife ; "I knew it wouW happen sooner or later. Mrs. Jusper'B pastiT has been tlin doatli of tht> pc»or oJd nvin. And oh, Augustus," my wife went on, " it'll casta miutof u> >uoy for mourßing; and we must put the servants iv too, I etsppoew.*' "We mugt revere his mouiory," I eoid

1 luveroiy. "I'll run over to ;.) usjjer aat once, and look into things." "As you're coming home, dear,'' said my wife affectionately, "do look into Ceoßpring and Splinterbar's: there's a most lovely victoria/ 1 (l I reproved her. "It im't a iimn for victorias," I said, in the tones of a L r >rd Chief Justice. " You'd bolter go out aud see to the mourning, my dear, find be sure you spare no expense ;" and then I hurried oft' to my brotherJasper's. On my way I called in at a hatter's, and asked for a hat-band. " For a great-uncle, Biv," said the man, and he scratch cd* his head;' "I expect it will be much the same ai a step-mother s. James, the narrow step-mother's," he said. Tho things were only an inch wide ; I wasn't to be put off in that way. I insisted on having a much wider one. "If you will, sir, you will," said the roan spitefully: "but this is the article usually worn for everything hut a tirst-rate bereavemojit; and it is really a pity, sir, for your 'at is as good as now." I didn't answer him ; I paid my eiglvteenpence and left the shop. My heart was too full for words ; one doesn't lobo a great-uncle every day in the week. When 1 got to Jasper Hodgetts's there was ;uito a string of hansom cabs at his door, and found six of my brothers in the drawingroom. They all smiled when they saw me. Wo talked in whispers, ana the room was uncomfortably dark because the blinds were down. And then my brother Jasper made me a little speech and told me that Great-uncle Decimus nad been found dead in his bed that very morning. " I have to thank you all," he said, " for answering my summons at once. George, William, and Adolphus reside in the country, so it's no use waiting for them. We," said Jasper proudly, " are the nearest relatives of the deceased. I take it that our first duty is to sea that our uncle is interred in a manner befitting his position in life. As the head of the family, with your approval, it will be my Jutv to see to "We all bowed to Jasper in sign of assent. "It will next be our painful duty, "continued my brother Jasper, "to search for the will of the deceased. Hobson and Jobson may know something about it. Perhaps I had better write to Hobson and Jobson." Again we all bowed, but we all felt that Jasper was putting himself forward rather unnecessarily. " You all know thin little book, I think," said Jasper, taking Great-uncle Decimus's fat little memorandum-book from his pocket. Of course we knew it ; and I'm ashamed to say that the eyes of some of us sparkled with anticipation. J "Perhaps we had better inspect ifc," said Jasper. We eagerly accepted his suggestion. Jasper Hodgetts put on hie spectacles and turned over leaf after leaf of the little book " The first page," he said, a little proudly, " contains the names and dates of birth of my own family." " Nothing more ?" we all asked in a sort of chorus. Jasper got very red in the face. " There is an absurd memorandum," he said, "at the bottom of the page, which is purely persona}." " You'd better read it," I said shortly ; "there ought]," to be no secrets between us as brothers/ Jasper passed the book to me. read the entry. It ran as follows ; -*• Mrs. Jasper's p<u<?ry is simply atrocious.' I I felt very Borry for my brothei Jasper. Each page of the book waa very simila to the firefc> There waa a record of every member of the entire Hodgetts family; and then there invariably followed some unpleasant remark as to the ooekery at each establishment. There waß nothing else— absolutely nothing else. " Great-undo Decimue was an extraordinary man*" remarked my brother Jasper. We chorused our assent to the proposition. *• Of course there must be no expense spa: ed as to the funeral," remarked Jasper. This was carried nem. con., and the cerem my was fixed for New Year's Day. " When I receive the answer from Jobson' ' said my brother Jasper, "it will perhaps be better if Ido not break the seal until after the i ceremony, when the family will meet again in this room." It was veiy thoughtful of Jasper. ' Thero were twenty-two mourning carriages at ' the funeral of Great-uncle Decimiiß, besides three private broughams, two hansom cabs, and ft four-wheeler. Over sixty of us sat down : after the ceremony in Jasper's drawing-room ; it was like the meeting of a joint-stock compajiy. ' Jasper cleared his throat, produced a big blue busmees letter, opened it, and tun>ed very pale. Then he read the letter aloud: it ran as follow:^ Dear Sir, — Tnt bswpi tor our inquirie? respecting 4 the will and" financial position of the late Mr. Deeimun ' Hwdgetts, t'ormr-rly for many years in our e-nploy, ■we have reason* to believe tliat tnc deceased died intes- ' tate. The fa-ot in, that hisj entire income constated of a hundred potmds a year, which he received from its ; as a " compassionate allcTwante," and whkih, of * courtw, erased «vn his death. — Yonrs ebedknitly, * HonsoN and Jonsos. ' "Gentlemen, said my brother Jasper, nud he waved his hand for silence, " the funeral ex- " penees of Great-uncle Decimus have amounted ' to a hundred and thirty-nine pounds fouv and Bovenpence.*' • " The funeral of Grnat-uncle Decimus proved a * Bahitary lesson to the entire Hodgetts family, and I really believe it wns worth the money it ' cost us.— «x James's Budget. \