THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXX, Issue 193, 17 August 1939, Page 10

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MEN ABOUT TOWN.)

To disparage his own clulb was the rare experience of a golfer during one of the qualifying rounds for the championship of the Te Puke Coif Club this SCORN. week. He inadvertently left his mashie near one of the greens, and it •was picked lip by a fellow competitor who placed it in his own bag. Later in the game the mashie was required, and when the loss was discovered the loser was offered his own club by the '"finder." Reluctantly he took the proffered club, and, after weighing it and having a practice saving, he declared that it had neither the feel nor the iba.lance of his own. He handed it back. Only after a detailed explanation did the disparaging golfer realise the enormity of his offence.—Harry.

CONVERSION OR THEFT. When a man Rets away with another man's

car. To say he's a thief who would dare? No matter what damasre he's done to the car It's just an "unlawful conversion" affair.

There's the well-dressed lady with plenty of cash Who pushes thinsrs under her fur: If she's high in her circle, it isn't a crime— Kleptomania's the trouble with her.

When a man srets away with thousands of pounds. And leaves the trust funds in a mess: It's just a sad case of embezzlement then. Thouerh he's just a plain thief none the less.

But when some poor betrgrar pinches a loaf, No unlawful conversion this time: He's branded a thief for the rest of his days, He's committed a dastardly crime. —THE TOMTIT.

An applicant for the Royal Air Force at Xottingham gave the examining doctors a nasty shock. When asked to hold his breath he did so for five minutes AIR-MINDED. forty seconds. There are,

of course, some motorists who could have saved themselves considerable trouble with the 'police had they 'been able to keep their breaths bottled up, so to speak, for such a i>eriod. The intriguing part about the Nottingham man is, however, the fact that he is employed in a printing works. He is a non-smoker and is keen on athletic s.ports, particularly running races. Thus it can be suggested that the time mentioned in the breath-holding report is merely a sprinter's error. A medical sergeant attached to the R.A.F. stated that he liad never heard of anyone who held his breath for more "than four minutes. This is all very well, but the sergeant was not in Xew Zealand when the latest income tax assessments arrived.—B.C.H.

Recently I bought a motor car. It is—or was —a new car of good English make, and i*. therefore, definitely not an automobile. I

was taught to drive by DRIVING the salesman, and alLESSONS. though not a very ai^t

pupil. I obtained a driver's license. I still have it—unendorsed, be it noted. My wife, with the idea of saving time and expense, suggested that we should go on a camping tour. I to teach her to drive on route. As I had spent most of my ready cash on the car deposit and those odds and ends of camping gear deemed essential when on holiday bent, it was so decided. As I am still you..- enough to ibe anxious to retain my wife's esteem, no detailed account of those driving lessons will be given, except to say that when approaching a small town in the South Island she noticed a sign reading, "Slow, to Hospital." She collapsed over the wheel with a sob, and I am glad to say has not driven since. Still, good soul, she does her bit —pitches the tent, cooks the meajs, gets in the firewood and water .and dop s other odd jobs inseparable from life in the great outdoors.—J. W.W.

The other day I was discussing with my sister, Tommy's mother, whether modern "action" films had any influence on the minds

of the rising' generation. FILM INFLUENCE. She was firmly convinced

that they had. "Look at Tommy," she said. "He will see a cowboy film and when lie comes home he will imitate the battle cries of the Indians and act like a typical cowpuneher for hours afterwards." '"Xonsense," I said. "I know for a fact "that Tommy is a sweet child and it is hard enough to exert good influence upon him, let alone bad. Xo, I am afraid the modern film will never affect Tommy; after all, he is my nephew." At that moment there was a cammotion outside the -window. I looked out and saw Tommy engaged in a battle royal on the front lawn. I grabbed a stick and rushed out to save my nephew, who was obviously getting the, worst of the argument. After* a considerable tussle I extricated "nevvy" and ridded the garden of the other boy. I held Tommy bv the scruff of the neck and looked at him. While T was thus holding him he suddenlv let flv with his rialit foot and caught me on the shin. I bent down to rub it and he caught me on the jaw with a nice little upper-cut. "I wish to heavens you'd let me alone, nunc." lie said. "Darn lucky I saw Six-Shot Silver at the pictures last night, otherwise I wouldn't have h*>n able to show you my new punch." A sad but convinced uncle went indoors to apologise and agree with liis sister.—P.P.

There's really no necessity for anyone to go short of health whilst awaiting the Government scheme. Perfect health is merelv a

matter of three things— HEALTH FIRST, right eatinjr. riylit drink-

ing and right breathing. Take right breathing first—after all, breathing is anore necessary for life than anv of the other three. Some folks will tell yon anyone can breathe correctly. Oh yeah ? Let me tell you there is a lot of science about it; it involves a very deep study. The average man will breathe almost anything. That'* mistake number one. I've seen tests made of the usual stuff folks breathe, and, believe me, some of it dR absolutely unfit for human consumption. Correct breathing necessitates a thorough knowledge of the dozen and one gases that go to make up our atmosphere. It's only when a man can distinguish helium, neon,* krypton, radon, xenon and common stove gas from oxygen, hydrogen and carbon dioxide that he's got a chance at all. As for rijrht eating, that's simplicity itself. All one has to do to eat right is to order a supply of the sixteen elements that our bodies are composed of, and eat sufficient of each to replace the natural waste that takes place daily. All of these chemicals can be obtained wholesale; they are all priced fairly low, and, as a rule, one can get Ave per cent discount for cash. For the benefit of those who are a little foggy, let me run over tliem again. First, there's calcium, which gives solidity to the bone structure, cures weak wills, etc. Then there's iron. Manganese is necessary for nerve and brain-—chew thoroughly. Any* garage will wive i you canbon, as much as you will want. "As for phosphorus, match heads are too oonceni trated. Buy this in drums—the drums themI selves will be found useful as ruWbiafo tins. I lodine (seaweed will do) is also neces3arv. There are other things needed as well, but thi9 list will tide you over the week-end. As ! for correct drinking, I will have more to say about that later—just now handles are beyond me.—MacClure.

A THOUGHT FOR TO DAY. We live in deed*, not words; in thoughts, not breaths, " ' In feelings, not iii figures on a dial; We should count time by heart-throbs; He lives j most who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best. —Philip Bailey's "Festue."