Laugh With The World

Auckland Star, Volume LXX, Issue 177, 29 July 1939, Page 19 (Supplement)

Laugh With The World

A WOMAN who was proud of her aristocratic ancestors happened to show her maid the silhouette of an aunt of hers. The j.'"'! had never seen anything of the kind before, and gazed at the portrait long and earnestly. "Lor, muni," she said at length, "I always thought you had some relations like that—you're so dark in the face yourself. "' ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ /\ YOUNG inventor was trying to persuade the business man to market his patent keyless lock. "It's too complicated," snapped the business man. "The average person would forget how to unlock this contraption." "Not at all, sir," said the inventor, triumphantly. "You see, I've -thought of that. Every lock will have complete instructions embossed on it." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ "INTRODUCING a noted missionary to his congregation, a coloured preacher in one of the Southern American States said: "Dis noted preacher, brethren, is one of de greatest men ob de age. He knows the unknowable, can do the uridoable, and can unscrew the inscrutable." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ "rpoBACCO brew mixed with soaj.y water makes an excellent wash lor insects," remarked the gardener. "1 don't care. Let the little beggars go dirty." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ fPHE two survivors of a sh>pwreck, » seaman and a stockbroker, had managed to clamber on to a raft. "If a ship doenn't sight ua soon," said the seaman, "we'll starve." "Don't talk nonsense!' snapped the stockbroker. "I've plenty of money." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ rrilK vicar told the children about tin fiarden of Eden and how Adam and Eve disobeyed after being forbidden to eat the fruit of one tree. "Now, child rcn," he said, "can anyone tell me what lesson that teaches ue ?" "Yes, sir,'' replied a small boy, "eat less fruit." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ J)OG"fOR: Well, Thomas, how are you Thomas: I be better than I was, sir. but I hain't as well as I was before 1 was as bad as I be now!" ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ jyjlKK was given a free ticket for t; cinema. He was puzzled about tin words "Not Transferable" on the back, and asked Put what it meant. Pat ex plained: "Shure, an' it's plain enough. It manes that if ye don't go yerself ye can't get in."

r FHE workmen engaged in building the new garage were about to leave for the day. "Won't you clear this wood and other material?" asked thfl owner of the house. "Some of it will be lost." "That's quite all right, sir," replied one of the workmen. "You'll find it all in the bill."

A Suggestion A man who took great pride in hilawn found, to his dismay, a heavy crop of dandelion*. He did h» best to uproot them, trying every known device to get rid of them. As his efforts were unsuccessful, it occurred to li.im finally that as the Government was helping the farmer and rendering so many services, he c-hould write to the Department of Agriculture about hi* dandelions, so he depicted in a letter his woe at great length, and ended by saying, "What do I do now?'' In due course a reply caanc. statin;:: "We suggest you learn to love them." ♦ ♦ -f ♦ A Bit Late They lived a distance from the shopping centre, and the husband, like the good man he is, fetched the things that were needed for the home. The other day he came back,<juid, placing the parcel on the table, said: "There you are, my dear." •She opened it and began to examine the contents. Then she exclaimed: "You noodfe! There's not a single thing right." "I have* brought them according to this list," he said. "Let me see it. Why, that's the order you had three weeks ago," she said. ♦♦. ♦ ♦ Why He Worried Little Willie had been looking forward to the school football match for weeks. It was all the more astonishing, t!.L-re-fore, that he should come home from the match crying bitterly. . "What's the matter?'' his mother demanded. "Have you lost?" "X-no, mum. We w-w-won ten-three.'' "Did someone kick yon, then?" "X-n-no." "Then, what's all the trouble?" "They forgot to give us the lemons at half-time," sobbed the little fellow.

"/ n>ish they'd get Gorgonzola for a change." In Good Time Late at night the mistress went into the kitchen expecting the maid to be in bed, hut was greatly surprised to see her enjoying herself drinking a cup of tea. "What are you doing here at this time of the night, Byner?" said she. "You ought to be in bed." "Well, nium," said Byner, "I'm 'aving me cup o' tea to-night instead of in the mornin', then I can start me work as soon as 1 come down." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ The Objector During the usual monthly test paper, Douglas came across a question that absolutely floored him. "If one horse," it stated, "can run a mile in a minute and a half, and another horse can do the same distance in two minutes, how far ahead would the first be if they ran a race of two miles at their respective speeds?" But suddenly Douglas saw a way out of the difficulty, for every question had to be answered. "I regret to say," he wrote, "that it is against my principles to have anything to do with horse-racing in any shape or form." ♦ t ♦ Don't Wait A mistress engaging a new maid said: "Mary, we liave breakfast prompt at 8 a.m. New Maid: All right, mum, if I ain't down don't yer wait!

Close Shave He was hungry, but it was late and on inquiry at the cafe counter he found that only coffee and sandwiches were obtainable. "All right," he said, "I'll have ham sandwiches." In a few minutes a small plate of thin slices was pushed towards him. He opened the bread and looked inside. His face became a picture of misery, and turning to the proprietor of the cafe he said: "Did you slice this ham?" "Yessir." "Well.*' he said bitterly, "you all but missed it!" ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Up-to-date Modern Miss: It's all very well to find fault with my new dress, grandma, but did you never set your cap at a young man when you were young? Grandma: Most ilkely I did my dear. Hut in my case it wasn't my kneecap. ' ♦ ♦ + ♦ A Ready-witted Physician Dr. Sage: You are troubled with headaches, giddiness and you do not sleep well. Evidently, what you need is exercise. What is your occupation? Patient: I'm "a wood sawyer. Dr. Sage: Well—er- suppose you do not grease your saw for a week or two. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Noisy The chief salesman of a certain London firm had a very loud voice. One morning when the manager arrived at the office he heard a terrible noise coming from the salesman's, office. "Who is that shouting?" asked the manager. "That's Mr. Hill talking to Edinburgh," replied the secretary. "Then tell him to use the telephone," the manager replied. ♦ 4 ♦ ♦ Coincidence r Teacher: How is it. Johnny, that every time you do attend Sunday school it's a party week? Johnny: Well, teacher, I always eat so much I feel ashamed, and when I get over my shame, blow me if it isn't party week again. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Knew Too Much It was the annual butchers' -dinner, to which all the butchers in the district had contributed meat of one kind and another. One of them, named Smith, had sent 101b of sausages. At the feast, the chairman turned to one of the guests who was sitting next to Mr. Smith and asked him if he would have some sausages. "Xo. thank you," the guest replied. "I don't know what is in them." "Mr. Smith," said the chairman, "you will have some sausages, I suppose?" "Xo." Smith replied. "I do know what is in them!" ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Right Road An old Highland soldier got into a train travelling to Inverness. Rather unsteadily, he sat down beside a Salvation Army officer. For some time he gazed at the officer's uniform with profound concentration. At last he broke into speech. "What's yer regiment, man? I canha mak' it oot." The officer replied: "I am a soldier of heaven. I go to Inverness to fight the devil, to Aberdeen to fight him again and then to Dundee, Edinburgh °and Newcastle." "That's right, man," said the other, keep on heading the blighter south." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Getting It Right An aged farmer had in a long bill from one of his tradesmen, but unfort .ately it was not itemised, and the word "ditto" occurred a good many times. "I never had' no ditto," exclaimed the agriculturist, irefully. "I won't be charged for what I haven't had." So he harnessed Dobbin to the trap and, with his good wife, drove into the town to get the matter set right. He soon came out of the shop again looking ashamed. When his wife asked what the matter was, he replied: "The matter is that I'm a silly fool and you're ditto." ■ I ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ \n Early Riser A mother, commending her daughter for a situation, was asked by the°lady if she was an early riser. "An early riser!" she exclaimed. "Well, f should think sol Why, she's up in the morning and has breakfast ready and makes all the beds before anyone else is up in the house." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ \ Bright Answer Sir Walter Scott one day met an Irish beggar in the street who asked him for a sixpence. Sir Walter could not find one, and gave him a shilling, saying with a laugh: "But mind you. now."you iwe rue sixpence." "And may your honor live till the light time to pay you!" was the instant reply.