THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXX, Issue 148, 26 June 1939, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MEN ABOUT TOWN.)

I notice that a number of contributors to this column have lately broken into verse, for what reason I don't know. It reminds me of the poet who remarked VERSE. to a friend that things were going a lot better with him and twice as many people were reading his poems. "'What!" exclaimed his friend. "You got married and never told me." —Johnny. The following incident actually occurred lin a certain school. The infant mistress was ! telling her little ones the story of "the old woman who lived in a ATMOSPHERE, shoe." As she completed the narrative, she said sweetly, "Tommy, how would you like to live in a shoe?" Tommy, a bright little Maori chap, quickly replied, "Aw no. Miss. By korri, too much 'tink, eh?" —E.J.C. The fishy contributions to this column appear to be all of the fresh, or near fresh, variety. How about a canned specimen? At a native wedding party THE DELICACY, on the tropical island of Ovalau there was the usual lavish feast I blowing the marriage ceremony. Pork, l>eef and poultry were set out in steaming heaps, on the eating mats, flanked by the usual breadfruit and other native vegetables. But these culinary efforts were obviously dimmed by the presence of several large tins of—herrings in tomato ! sauce! In movieland parlance, they "itole , the picture."—Loloma.

During the interval at football on Saturday I got into conversation with my neighbour. He was a university student on the first lap of his medical course. I "FROGGING." recalled a glorious day in

my youth which I spent "frogging" in a swamp more or less where E<len J'ark is now. The day's bag was for the zoology class at tlie university. My pal looked each captive over, and in the cause of science rejected four out of every five. Whether this was necessary or not, I still do not know, but it raised the venture from the plane of just amusement to that of a scientific expedition. '"I suppose they have to go a long way for frogs nowadays," T said. "We haven't done frog yet, so I don't know," he said. "We are just commencing earthworm, and the specimens are imported." "Imported," said I, indignantly. "What is the matter with the local product? This importing of earthworms should be prohibited." "That couldn't be done, sir," said he, with a twinkle in his eye. "Think of the psychological effect on the country if the proverbial worm turned."—Gunner.

The bloke is twelve or thereabouts and is greatly concerned with the rat menace, hence his stocking his own and the neighbours' homes with ample free supplies IN DISGRACE, of council poison. Poison

' was lavishly laid, but unfortunately his own home possessed but fewrats, hence the bloke's daily unrewarded vigil. He ponderously read all the "Star" rat items, and became so infected with the rat virus that ho cautioned the family against using vegetables grown in the garden against which the rats might have brushed, thereby leaving plague germs behind. Small sister revolted iirst by refusing all food, as it tasted •"ratty," while the elders in turn eyed their food distastefully. Matters came to a nonsensical pass. Then the great big grandfather rat got caught in the trap. Worshipfully the bloke fell on hands and knees and tenderly gathered it close, to his father's horror, as he uttered in rapt adoration, "Look at it. dad —its lovely soft fur." stroking same gently. "Isn't it a humdinger bloke?" Ve<~, he was made to disinfect his hands, etc.. nor would mother allow him to make the customary cup of tea or handle food of any description. Sad to say, the bloke is in disgrace at present; no one will own him at all. Secretly, his dad is amused; he did deserve his real treasure.— G. 8.8.

After considerable discussion with my very near relative, we have decided that boarding 'is unsatisfactory and renting furnished rooms inconOUR HOME. ceivahly impossible. So

we bought a small house, or, to be more accurate, a cottage, which is actually vacant. It was rather dilapidated, but sound in the more important details. Xo borer, and owing to the prescience of our fellow townsmen, a few le~s rats than hitherto. The plumber will charge £22 17/ti for new spouting, piping and sundry connections, tlie carpenter £7 l.y to renew the fence.-, the electrical firm declines to give an estimate for re-wiring, the painter only asks £2."> to repaint the outtit, an honest 'charlady proposes to give the house a complete hath for ten shillings, the paperhanger thinks that £•) will pay for repapering—ergo, for the inconceivably triflin? sum of about £""> the cottage will be habitable. The place has been let to various tenants who have used a deal of it to 'keep the home fire* binning." To install a califont and gas cooker on an admirable system of deferred payments a mere £2 2/. the piano will be our very own in two years, the wireless fcbout the same period. Some very up-to-date furniture costing about £."> per month. I asked a gardener to fix up the small section, and he replied (rather rudelv, I thought), "It's all stone*, guv'nor; you'd better do it yourself." My friends tell me that we would have been better advised to applv for a Government house, and wait probably until 1049 for the possibility of acquiring one of those desirable residences. When one is 75 years of age waiting ten years or so seems imprudent. —A.A.P.

THE QUESTIONNAIRE. The man he was shaking and reallv quite a weak heart and he'd caught a bad chill. . , , , - He was coughing and gasping and longed toi his bed. _ . , But he crawled to the hospital office instead. "I've come for admittance." said he. tor I'm sick. . , And I want the free hospital promised ' — The clerk he looked solemn and then shook his head. , "You must answer these questions first, fully." he said. "How many are there? For I feel very queer." "There's just twenty-seven, so you need hove no fear." "But I've paid mv Security, and I'm in pain." "You must answer the questions." the clerk said again. "But what are the questions? Oh. cannot they wait?" "No," said the clerk: "it may then be too late." Have you got any parents? Do they live on the dole? Was vour grandfather's name on the electoral roll? Have you got any children? Give names and their age, Do you live on a pension? Or do vou earn a good wage? Do you own your own house? Or do you pay rent? Is your property mortgaged? If so. what extent? "Oh, stop!" cried the man. "I can't stand any more!" And straightway he rolled over dead on the floor. He arrived up in heaven a little bit late And Petei- rooked cross when thev met' n r the gate. "You shouldn't be here! What does this mean?" said he. "I thousrbt vou had doctors and hosnit'il free." ' "It's the rumber of questions." the sick man replied. "Before they had finished I found I had dled ' —E.-G.P.' A THOUGHT FOR TODAY. I account the Scriptures of God to be the most sublime philosophy.—Sir Isaac Newton.