THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXX, Issue 89, 17 April 1939, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MEN ABOUT TOWN.)

Onr Moondary school lads recently held a display in the Domain, where they constructed a field observation tower from young

saplings, held together "RUM" RATION , , with rope. We are assured that it was capable of ■supporting , twenty men. At the conclusion of the display all hands received a so-called "rum issue," which consisted of a drink of milk. It is to be hoped that such procedure does not spread to the Xavy, where it would truly be considered a rum issue.—Chas.

It was a duster the "boss" in an Auckland office wanted—and a duster he must have immediately. Xow, after all, even people who

work in offices have a SWITCHED JOKE, sense of humour, but ■when a duster appeared suddenly and mysteriously on the back of his chair the "boss" thought it was just plain, downright efficiency on the part of hie staff. He was surprised, however, on picking it up to find that it was a pair of intimate feminine garments, complete with elastic waist and knees. • "Drat these girls!" said the hoss, and proceeded to mop up the spilt ink. So the joke wasn't on him, after all.—One-Eye.

"J.W.W." drops a note asking if I have ever come across two sets of bowling averages which are apparently the same but on being * worked out are different f BOWLING I fancy I know what my AVERAGES, friend i<s getting at, although he does not make himself very clear. In a cricket match Jones and Snrth take all the wickets -between them. Bowling in the first innings, Jones takes two wickets for 10 runs, an average of 5 runs, and Smith eight wickets for 56, an average of 7 runs. In .the second innings Jones takes eight wickete for 80 rune, an average of 10 runs, and Smith takes two wicket* for 24 runs, an average of 12 runs. It will be seen that in both innings Jones has the better average, hut in the aggregate, while each has taken ten wickets, Smith has the better average, hie wickets costing SO runs against 90 runs off Jones.—Johnny.

A brother-in-law lent me his car on Monday afternoon (as he knew that it needed petrol and oil) to take my Aunt Agatha for a drive. He knew that 1 ANTIQUES. dare not order "one gallon" (the scheming villain); also that I was only going to Mission Bay. Yes, dear reader, I hold a driver's license notwithstanding my advanced age, which most of you know, and you may have some difficulty in visualising that I could have an aunt of greater antiquity than myself, but she can give me ten years (which, by the way, ie about the term that a popular judge may inflict, sooner or later, in retaliation for all the kind things that I have written concerning his "dictum"). Well, away we went, and presently auntie turned to me and said, "Mixed bathing is quite in order for fish, but not for humane." We were at the moment passing Parnell Baths. She continued: "Isn't that disgraceful—women bathing in men'« trunks? Oh, the wicked hussies!" "Dear aunt," I explained, "your eight ie not good; now, there's nary a woman or «rirl there, only men and boys." She hedged, "Well, anyway, the brazen hussies, they wouldn't care ho»v they bathed if they had their own -way." Being a warm, sunny afternoon, with many bathers at Mission B.ay, I never slackened the reins, but turned for home, via Patteson Avenue and the Orakei settlement, fearing that my elderly relative would swoon if I approached the beach.—A.A.P.

I think that the Eaeter holiday weather is deserving of eome comment, even from a fisherman home from eea to-day. It wae, from a yachtsman's point STOUT FELLAH! of view, rotten, and reminded me of the*'story wherein the irate colonel who had missed a ehort putt at the eighteenth in similar weather yelled to his caddy, "How can one be expected to play decent golf with all these larks singing overhead!" Nevertheless,- I have brought with me from the North a new and true fish story. ■ While we proceeded up the coast from Leigh at a leisurely three knots we hooked a mako shark on the "spinner"— or rather, the wooden "dummy." In all modesty, I confess that the fish measured only four feet, but he was nevertheless a mako shark. I think that mako shark? and lawyers are the only things who are really beguiled by dummies, wooden or otherwise. However, the beet part of the story is now to come. One of the members of our crew by some ingenious means discovered on board our craft a bottle of etout and a bottle of beer. We hauled the shark alongside and into its gapLnsr mouth the contents of both bottles were poured. The antics of the fish afterwards cannot be described in detail, but he certainly paid tribute to the makers of the potions. He was duly strung up by the tail and hitched to the "counter," but, four hours later, was still very much alive, and occasionally turned round to give us a drunken leer. Probably he thought he was etill swimming ahead as usual. Naturally, I refrain answering the expected question, "What wae the brand of the beer and the stout?" Nevertheless, I can assure my readers that the fish eventually died after a long hiccup with a seraphic smile on his face. This part of the story, like the true part, will, however, be disbelieved.— B.C.H.

CLOSE HARMONY. We are a happy family, we are. we are. we are. For no one ever says a word that possibly may jar. And though you sometimes hear reports of heavy storms at sea, I am the skipper, and the crew has confidence in Me.

It's true some member now and then may sound a hostile note. But his complaint is soon dispelled—we Put It to the Vote. To insulate the Party from rebellion and its shocks. There's nothing like the magic *f the Rood old ballot box.

In picking out my officers I've shown discretion wise. By sternly shunning , those who let their angry passions rise: Or. if thev have to let off steam. I take good care to see That they are not the sort who seek to take it out on Me. On either side confronting us are prim financial rocks. So our financial policy must be most orthodox. I've spoken sometimes of the need for methods new and strange. But times are hardly opportune for making such a change. We are a happy family—not Hollywood. I guess. Could show a team more skilful in the art of saying "Yes": Full well my colleagues realise I am their lucky star. We are a happy family—we are. we are. WE ARE! —SIXBAD. A THOUGHT FOR TO-DAY. "Oh, I hate cant—l detest it from my heart of hearts. There is a manline.-* about true Christianity, a consciousness of strength which enables it to make everything its own.' , —Dr. Xorrcan McLeod.