Laugh With The World

Auckland Star, Volume LXX, Issue 88, 15 April 1939, Page 17 (Supplement)

Laugh With The World

QWNER (proudly): You wouldn't think that was a second-hand car would you? Attendant: Good gracious no! I thought you had made it yourself. YOUNG Wife: Darin;.'-. I won a me.dal at the cookery fjiiool. Groom: Wonderful! But tell me, what is this I'm eating? Guess. Yotjr medal? + ♦ + + "rjpHAT UMBRELLA looks as if it, has seen better days." "Yes, ii has .had it's up and downs." ♦ ♦ ♦ .♦ TiTADGE: You shouldn't say he's a confirmed bachelor unless you know. Marjorie: But Ido know —I confirmed him. + ♦ + ♦ "DAT was obviously pleased with life. * Later he met Mike. "Well," said his friend, "how do you like your new job?" "It's the finest I've ever known." "And what do you have to do?" "I've nothing to do at all. I just carries a load of bricks up the ladder to the bricklayer, and he does all the work." ♦ ♦ ♦ „ ♦ "VOU will find, my dear, that all men are cast pretty much in the same mould." "Yes, auntie, but some are much more mouldy than others." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ' PROUD Parent: So you desire to beJr come my son-in-law ? Blunt:" No, sir, I don't, but if I marry your daughter I don't see how I can, gelt, out of it. + + '■■¥■ •' ;• m .':---.■ A CLERGYMAN travelling by tram was induced to join a game of poker by some sporting gsntlemen returning from the races. After ph*ying for a while the parson threw out one card, saying: "I'll buy one card for a miracle." The betting was- brisk. Finally the holder of a full hand ''saw' the parson, who calmly spread out four" kings on the table. "What did you mean by buying one card for a miracle? he was asked. "Well," was the reply, "I had the four kings <.'pat' and it would have been a miracle if I'd bought a fifth." ♦ ♦ ♦ T •DROWN (after a night out): When I arrived home last night my wife was awake and promptly went off into histories. Jones: You mean hysterics. No, histories." She dug up all my past history.

"QAUGHTER: If I pass the elementary examination I am going to study biology, psychology and physiology. Father: Um —that is all very well, but I recommend washology, and sewology.

"VyHO is the mo6t miserly man you know;" "Old McTavish. Just think, when there's a crowd at the station and' the people are standing in a queue, waiting for their tickets, he always goes last so that he can keep his money in his pocket as long as possible." •f + ♦ ♦ Jl SCOT entered the shop* where he had recently bought a bicycle. "It's about that bike," he said. "Hasn't it arrived yet?" said the shopkeeper. "It has," said Jock, "but where's the free wheel ?" + ♦ ♦ -f A LEAGUE for .the protection of henpecked husbands was formed in a small American town. At the first meeting a man named George was elected president. George had just taken the chair and banged the table for order, when a tall, gaunt-looking woman burst into the hall, rushed at George and seized him by the collar. "You come home!" she shouted, shaking him. "What business have you in a place like this? You're not henpecked I" ♦: ♦ + ♦ T>fE: If you keep looking at me like that I'm going to kisa you. She: Well, hurry up. I can't hold this expression m-ch longer. ♦ + ♦ ♦ TMWUD: How are you getting on, Sarah! Do you like your new place? Sarah: I think I'm going to like it very much. Yesterday I overheard the mistress say I performed my duties in a very perfunctory manner. That's the first praise I've had from 'er. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ TRIOR a long time a restaurant manager had out a sign: "Home Cooking." Then he removed it. "I see," remarked a customer, "that the old sign is gone." "Yea, I took it down." "But why?" "Well, I came to the conclusion that it was doing the place no good. I got to watching the passers-by. A great many would take a look at the sign and then hurry on."

Why She Was Afraid ' Harry and Lizzie had been to market, where Harry had bought a young pig and an empty tub. Walking homo along a lonely country

lane, pig under one arm and tub tinder the other, Harry was surprised to notice that Lizzie had suddenly quickened her pace, and was almost running. " 'Ere," called Harry, after her, "what are you running away like that for?" "Well, seein' there's nobody about but us two, I thought maybe you'd try to kiss me," giggled Lizzie. "How could I with this 'ere pig under one arm and the tub iinder t'other?" "Well," faltered Lizzie, "I was afraid you was thinkin' of putting the pig down and the tub over it."

+ ♦ ♦ ♦ Success at Last A minister had striven hard to get his flock to take greater notice of the collection box in church, but without avail. On a recent Sunday evening, when a very 6mall sum was. given, he commented. "My friends, I have striven to reach the poor of this parish, and I can see by the collection of three shillings and sixpence to-night that I have succeeded." + + ♦ ♦ She Could Miss It It was on a corridor train going North' that this illuminating little conversation took place -between a rather nervous middle-aged lady and the ticket collector. "I want to get off at so-and-so," said the lady, naming a small Northern town at which the train stopped, "so would you tell me when we get there?" "You can't miss it," said the ticket collector; "it's the second before the last stop!"

Better Use Mary was fresh to the job of cook in a London house. One day her mistress handed her some macaroni to cook, and, noticing her look of consternation, asked: "Didn't you cook macaroni in your last place?" "Cook thern things? Good heavens, we used to have them for lightin' the gas with," replied the girl. ♦ ♦ 4- ♦ The Wrong One Brobson: You look all broken up,.old man. What's tho matter? Craik: I called on Miss Pruyn on Christmas night, and no sooner had I entered the parlour than her mother appeared and demanded to know my intentions. Brobson: That must have been rather embarrassing. Craik: Yes, but that is not the woret. Just as the old lady finished speaking, Miss Pruyn shouted down the stairs: "Mamma,"mamma, he isn't the one!" .