THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXIX, Issue 285, 2 December 1938, Page 8

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MEN ABOUT TOWN.)

In the serious business of reporting' traffic accidents, hilarity crops up. Here are some example™, culled by an English journal from the claim statements filed ALIBIS. with insurance companies. '"The witness gave his occupation as a gentleman, but I would now be more correct in calling him a garage proprietor.'' "A lamp post bumped my car, damaging it in two places." '"Tlie car was driven by an efficient and careful driver, who backed it into a ditch." "I misjudged a lady crossing the street."A j>edestrian hit me and went underneath my car." "At the time I was proceeding to see my father in a thick fog." "I heard a horn blow and was struck in the back. A lady was evidently trying to pass me." "I ran into a shop window, and sustained injuries to my wife." "I swerved to avoid a motor cycle and hit it, and to avoid further damage ran into a lamp post and hit wall." "She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met." All of which shows that it is easier to bump than to explain. — Johnny.

The subject of interest rates on investments being the vogue, *ne may be pardoned for tilling the story of Hori'a first experience

■with the money-lending ITEMS OF fraternity. Unfortunately INTEREST, he was not able to meet

1 his obligation on the date of maturity, so the money-lender, in typical fashion, allowed extra time to pay, with, of course, the stipulation that there should be a slightly higher rate of interest. When the great day for settlement arrived Hori was presented with a statement showing the amount required to square up. The total exceeded the original loan by almost 100 per [cent. Gazing at the document with rapt intensity, he murmured in an undertone, "He strong child!" "What do you mean, 'strong child'?" said the lender. "Oh," said the dejected borrower, "he grow so plurry quick!" —B.C.H.

A paragraph in a Sydney newspaper mentions the work of the Rev. T. C. Rentoul, who happen* to be the director of the

Methodist Inland Mission. THE PARROT. The reverend gentleman

sees a whole heap of outhaok life tiecause he travels far inland and in his travels occasionally hears a good story. His latest concerns a Mmidiwindi pub-keeper and hi* parrot. "This parrot m a most blasphemous bird, whose language would make a bullockv blush," gays the director. Last year the pub-keeper of this remotest of all pubs in Central West Australia heard that the great head of the great Methodist Church—PresidentGeneral Barclay, no less—was on th« track, | and intended to stay there, and might arrive any minute. They hurriedly took the parrot out into the bush for a weV;'s holiday! There is no mention of what the parrot said.— | Johnny.

"Manota" writes: As a recent paragraph in the "Star"' made mention of the wreck of the passenger mail steamer Wairarapa on the return trip from Sydney, [ THE MAST. I can add a little that

may be of interest to other readers of the paper. My brothers, sisters and I were staying at Maraetai at the time and a week after the wreck we were playing in a tidal creek, and one of my little brothers found a mast with "s.s. Wairarapa" cut into it and the lettering painted white. We used to push it into the sea, and, sitting astride of it, paddled about and generally enjoyed ourselves. One day two prim and proper old (to us) ladies were bobbing up and down in water about a foot deep, clad | in nijrhtdresses and enormous caps of lace, so my brother, with an apparently innocent smile, which was very captivating, pushed the |mast over to them with about six of us balanced 011 it. He said he would like to take them all aboard his "steamer." Well, they came, sitting sideways. Gently pushing the loaded mast into deeper water, he calmly turned the mast over and all of ns slnl into deep water, and the nightdresses of the ladies ballooned on top of the crater and stayed there. We gave the mast to yachtsmen, Alf. and Stan Jeffries, who owned the Kestrel. I think that it should be in the museum.

"To-day V your lucky day—Tuesday," said Kingy. It" was Auction Day, and 1 wm late. Slick, I guessed, would already be there, snooping around. What SLICK. Slick overlooked wasn't of much value. "Never mind about my horoscope now," I said. "I'm late." Then Slick strode in, fearfully excited. "Tell me, Mac, what.are full-faced queens -worth these days?" "I've never win any of their bank accounts," I said. "Why, what's in the wind?" i'or answer he snatched up my stamp catalogue. "Gee, unused £300, used from £30 to £150?" "What is?" I asked, penny dull carmine, first Xew Zealand stamp, issued, July, 1855. Imperfect watermark, large star." For a full hour he feverishly copied out stamp values. Over liis shoulder I read and re-read the high values and made rapid calculations. The 150 full-faced queens issued from 1855 to 1872 were catalogued at over £3000—an

of approximately £20 apiece, used; one alone, the 1857 penny dull orange, was catalogued at £500. As for unused specimens —Wow! "Look," he said. "Here's a beaut, 3d lilac, lib. 84, 1862 issue, pelure paper, no watermark, imperfect—£7so. Whew!" I noticed he gave me a peculiar glance. "See you later—l daren't mi«e the sale," and he was off, quivering -with excitement. Slick is usually cool, calm—and collected. I decided to watch his every move. The auction sale was already half over when I arrived. As I watched Slick furtively trying to conceal a bundle of what looked" old journals, the auctioneer took it from him and put it up. "Magazines—quid's worth—by Jove, a couple of old stamp albums, too! How much." "A bob," came Slick's voice. He was trembling with excitement and gave me a poisonous glance. "A pound," I yelled. I saw Slick stagger. "Two," he said, in an agonising whisper. "Five," I thundered, and secured the prize. Slick, muttering something about "double-crossing" hurried out. I guessed how he felt. A fiver would just about ruin him.

"Who sent the darned rubbish in, anyway?" I asked the auctioneer next day, after I had thrown the lot in the fire. "A friend of yours —Slick, I think you call him," he said.— MacOlure. ANOTHER WAR. "Now, sportsmen," exclaims Mr. "You know where my sympathies are; I'm solidly for Declaring a war ! On wapiti, chamois and thar.

"The wapiti wanders the wasteland; Of deer he is surely the star; But forests he wrecks— ~ I'll hand him his checks. Along with the chamois and thar.

The chamois makes very fine leather For polishing window or car; My coat I will doff To polish him off; The wapiti likewise, and thar.

"The thar I find rather a strangerHe seems. though, the mountains to mar My hatred he earns By nibblinsr the ferns— I'm not very pleased with the thar."

f-° £ll you overseas stalkers, lou n find, you coma from mltr The wapiti -iead. The chamois all fled. And Parry out "-ojibins: the thar.

—SINBAD.