THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXIX, Issue 282, 29 November 1938, Page 8

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MEN ABOUT TOWN.)

The "Perfect Deal" article in the "Star" recently about what happened at Umtata (Cape Province) must be true, as Afrikanders never lie. (I lived there RARE DEALS. in '80 and lost £2000 in

bad debts.) However, as only strictly veracious stories appear in our journal, the happening is not impossible; moreover, we have authentic record that it occurred in Hath (England) in tlie seventeenth century at ''long" whist, and the writer got it at auction solo visiting "s in Sandringham Hoad alK>tit three years since. Here is. the hand: Ace, king, queen, jack, 10. 9 and 2 in ■diamonds, ace. king, queen, jack and 10 in hearts, tlie thirteenth card being the king of dubs. Beinnr first caller, I naturally called twelve (which was unbeatable). For my own lead I played out the diamonds (trumps), then the hearts. At the twelfth trick the last player, being- left with the two black aces, I decided to discard the club, so my "blouse" kinjr made the grand slam. If required I will furnish the nanies of the three other players. —A.A.P.

Anybody who has Buffered from lum-bajro will agree that of all the painful complaints enumerated ill the householder*' medical

dictionary it at least runs LUMBERED into a place. As a matter AGAIN, of fact, "Lumbago"

would be a good-sounding name for a racehorse. One can imagine a postEllerslie meeting conversation based on these line*. "I hacked Lumbago in the six furlongs, but ho was unable to make the l>cnd and fell heavily." To which tho co-punter would reply, "He always was stiff." However, the dreaded complaint if, as I have already intimated, not a joking matter —not as far as the patient is concerned, at all events. Yet, for some unknown reason, sufferers are treated to cannonades of facetiousness by their friends. Apparently the sijrht of an otherwise healthy man doubled tip like a galloping greyhound tickles an otherwise moribund sense of humour. My friend George, who at the present time is suffering badly from the malady, arrived home last night with a small bottle of gin. "Gin," he explained to the family, '"is the only drink which doctors order for lumbago patients. "Lumbago." said he, addressing the children, "is an exceedingly painful complaint, but daddy will be all right soon. It disappear* an quickiv as it appears." The l>al>y of the family at this stape intervened with a really good one. ''Something like the gin, daddy," the little devil said.—B.C.H.

"We luive long preserved our Constitution," said Dr. Johnson: "lot us make some struggles for our language.' . The need is greater to-day thaii ever it was. SlipDEGRADED shod English is creeping, ENGLISH, more and more, into the

newspapers. A faiflt that is becoming common in the cheap London dailies is now being followed in American publication*. Two samples from consecutive paragraphs in an editorial in the '"Saturday Evening Post" of September 10 will speak for themselves. "The L.C.R.A. has completed a high dam at Buchanan, seventy miles above Austin, is building another high dam at Marshall Ford, near Austin." '"This year, under the promise of Buchanan's Dam protection, the farmers planted the bottom lands in cotton, turned their uplands to non-revenue-producing legume crops, under the Department of Agriculture's soil-building program. ,. Each of these sentences was enclosed within full-points; that is to say, it was not part of a longer sentence. For that reason they did not, grammatically speaking, make sense, for the omiseion of the word "and" (after "Austin" in one lease and "cotton" in the other) left them in mid-air, as if a final sentence, preceded by "and," had been left out by accident. Writing like this seems to be practised by persons who wish to show a certain breathlessnees in their effort to reach the end of what they have to say. It seems a pity that such flaws should be permitted to go out in the editorial columns of a reputable American publication. To tell the whole truth, they were not the worst part of the editorial, which ended with a sentence for which a schoolboy would be censured. The final paragraph read: "Because Arthur Morgan knew that and would not shut his eyes to it, was one reason the President removed him from the directorship of T.V.A. last spring.' , Appropriately enough, the editorial was headed "What a Tangled Web We Weave.',' — Touchstone.

The "Ordinary" of Xewgate. the Rev., Paul Lorrain, "made a bit on the side" by publishing pamphlets—"Last Words of Murderers," "Con-

feseions." etc. It was an CAPTAIN KIDD. Age of Pamphlets—every-

body wrote 'em. When a hanging was due poets. <?at up all night writing morbid verse which sold in the streets "like hot cakes." The Row Paul had practically finished one about Captain Kidd. He only needed one thing to make it a knock-out— Captain KWd's confession. He had endeavoured daily by threats of eternal damnation to extract one. but failed miserably. Here, Ik;fore me. lies the Ordinary's pamphlet entitled "The Ordinary of Newgate, Hie Account of the Behaviour, Confession and Dying Words of Captain Kidd and Other Pirates that Were Executed at Execution Docks, Wapping. May 23, 1701." Captain Kidd, he telle us, "vainly flattered himself with Iwpes of reprieve and persisted in declaring hie innocence. On the Day of Execution the pirates (Mulline and Kidd) were convoyed to the place of execution by the officers of the Admiralty carrying before them the -ilver oar, as is the usual custom." That last jday the rev. had had two "good goes" at the (loomed man. but Kidd refused to admit his guilt. They hanged Mirllins first. Then came iKidd's tuni, and the rev. decided "it was now or never."' "When I left him at X'ewgate." 'he writes. "Kidd had promised to make a Full ' Confession at the Tree," so Paul tackled him liviain. Nothing doing. Kidd, instead, made a speech to the assembled crowd and urged masters of ships to take a lesson by his fate. Then they '•turned him off" and—the gallows collapsed.' Kidd fell to the ground half!conscious, the halter round his neck. In ! hopped the rev. and pointed out "God's great 1 Mercy in giving him this Great Respite." Still j Kidd kept mum. Next they erected a ladder, and Kidd walked up it unflinchingly, and the rev. followed him. still keen. When he was brought up and tied again to the Tree. Kidd wmk in a much better temper. He was at the I top of the ladder. Kidd still refused, and they ■'turned him off"' again. Kidd died game —but that, didn't help the pamphlet to sell. — MacC'lure. SET A THIEF . A lot of folk it seemed to vex I When Adolf Hitler trimmed the Czechs; But at the time the Polish nation Kxpre.ssed no great disapprobation. She seemed to see a golden chance Tli" claims of Poland to advance. And tried, with Benes overthrown. Some petty thieving of her own. Then Hungary, restraint released, Came like a vulture to the feast; It seems, before the trouble ceases. The proud Czech State will be in pieces. But now a. change is seen to-day. For Hitler, having had his way. Against these imitation fights Preserving Czecho-Slovak rights. And makes it his high-minded mission To stop Ruthenian partition. Though Poles and Magyars cannot see Why they can't do the same as he. To help the Czech's he's made a vow— The ,-obber's turned policeman now! —SINBAD.