Laugh With The World

Auckland Star, Volume LXIX, Issue 280, 26 November 1938, Page 17 (Supplement)

Laugh With The World

/^*OOK: Don't that music sound beautiful? Kitchen Maid: Yea, that it do. I alius did like the "Indian Love Limericks." ♦ -»■ ♦ ♦ "YOU haven't met John's pretty wife yet, have you ?" "No. I didn't know John was a bigamist." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ "V\ 7 OT*S all this about Mrs. 'Arris 'aving 'er expenses paid to the seaside 1" "That's right. She'a going as a delegate from the guild." "Delegate, indeed. She ain't 'arf as delegate as I am." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ (to «mall son who has returned home with an old bucket full of coal): I hope you didn't steal that coal—Oh, no, I just sat on the railway bank and made faces at the enginedrivers. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Customer (to greengrocer): I ordered a dozen oranges and von only sent eleven. Greengrocer: Quite right, lady; one was bad, so I didn't bother to send it. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ JRISH Advocate: There ia no use in asking you questions, for I see the villain in your face. Witness: Do you, sor? Faix, oi niver knew befoore thot me face wuz a looking-glass. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ A MINISTER was discussing with an old woman the subject of education. He pointed out the importance of a good education, and said that everyone waa at a disadvantage without it. "Well," said the woman, "I'm no eddicated at all. Seems to me that when ye're no eddicated ye just have tae use your brains I" ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ f^LIENT: I hope it will be a pretty picture. Photographer: A very pretty picture, madam. You will not know yourself. ♦ ♦ * ♦ "JjAtkLY," said the .chairman of a farmers' association, "there has been a phenomenal demand for milk at our farm, and to stem the flowing tide of orders that threatens to submerge us we have been obliged, metaphorically •peaking, to call all hands to the pump!"

PJTEACHER: Who can tejl me what the former ruler of Russia was called? Tommy: Czar. Correct; and what was his wife called ? Czarina. What were the Caar's children called? There was a pause, and then a timid voice in-the rear piped up: Czardines.

A N old lady claimed the old-age pension and aeked the help of the vicar. A» is often the case, she had difficulty in proving her age, and the matter was delayed. She vowed that if she got the old-age pension she would give the first week's pension as a thanksoffering. After some time she presented herself at the vicarage to be told that she could not see the vicar, as he was busy at a meeting. She replied that she would sit on the doorstep till she did see him. When the vicar arrived she handed him an envelope, which contained 10/, remarking: None of them Ananias and Sapphirey tricks for me.

Angel Child "I want a box of powder for my sister, please," said the angel child. "The kind that goes off with a bang?" asked the jolly old chemist. "No, clever, the kind that goes on with a puff."

All Flies Brown: Did you go on that trout fishing excursion la*t Saturday? Smith: Yes, I did. Brown: Did you fish with flies T Smith: Fish with flios? Yes, we fished with them, camped with them, dined with them, slept with them—why, man, they almost ate us alive! +♦* ♦ + ■ Bad Manners Jimmy's table manners were not too good, as he made gorging noises when he was eating, so his father said to him: "Jimmy! You eat like a pig!" Jimmy took no notice, so his father eaid: "Do you hear me? Do you know what a pig is?" "Yes, dad," replied Jimmy. "It's the eon of a hog." ♦ ♦ ♦ + Don't Apologise Manager: You should have been here at nine o'clock. Office Boy: Why? What happened?

Watered Stocks Two ladies who had not seen each other for a long time met by accident. At a nearby cafe they had tea together and recalled old friends and acquaintances. "I heard that your cousin Ned had settled in Chicago and was making a lot of money," said the lady in blue. "What is lie, a stockbroker?" "Xo, dear," said the lady in beige. "He's a florist." * ♦ ♦ ♦ A Cheap Ride Sandy McPherson and hie little bairn were standing on the pavement talking to the bus conductor. "Hoo much to the Toon Hall?" asked McPhereon. "Penny," was the reply. "Hoo much for yon little 'un?" "Oh, nothing for the bairn," said the conductor. "Well, tak' the bairn to the Toon Hall, I'll walk." * * * ♦ Dawn On the Farm The farmer's daughter had at last persuaded her father to let her have singing | lessons—on condition that she did so j while he was out working in the fields. One day the farmer came back to the house unexpectedly. "What's that extraordinary noise, Minnie?" he asked his wife. "That, dear," replied Minnie proudly, "is Jane cultivating her voice." "Cultivating!" exclaimed the farmer. "That ain't cultivating. That's harrowing!" + + * * Of Course! A Weleh farmer met another farmer in the dining car of the train and got into conversation. "Of course, you're from Wales," said the one. The Welshman admitted that he was and asked why the question had been asked. "Oh, I was just accounting for your accent," was the reply. "And where do you come from ?" asked the Welshman. "Worcester," said the other. "Ah, well," commented his companion, "that accounts for your sauce."