LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

Auckland Star, Volume LXIX, Issue 220, 17 September 1938, Page 17 (Supplement)

LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

"T'VF! got a new Weft. Fortune In it." "What now?" "It's an alarm clock that emits the delicious odours of frying bacon and fragrant coffeee." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

\JKS. B.: I've comc to tell you, ma-am, the photographs you took of us the other day are not at all satisfactory. My husband looks like an ape! Lady photographer: Well, madam, you should have thought of that before you had him photographed.

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ \ HUNGRY Irishman entered the restaurant on Friday and said to the waiter: "Have ycz any whale?" "No. "Have yez any shark?" "No." "Have yez any swordfish?" "No." "Have yez any jellyfish?" "No." "All right," said the Irishman. "Then bring me ham and eggs and beefsteak smothered onions. Anyway, I asked for fish."

fpHE Irish landlady was displeased with the habit» of her lodger*, and told them, "You there, are a pair if there was one. You didn't come home of a nijzht till early morning. If you want to stop here and do that you had better pack up and go."

riLADYS: Are you asking Gwen to your party! Joan: No. My husband doesn't like her. Glady»: I see. And «h<«t about Mollie? Joans No, dear. My husband likes her.

rpOD: I've called to say how much I appreciate your treatment, doctor. Doctor: But I'm not your physician. Tod: No, but you were my old uncles and I am his heir.

♦,♦ ♦ ♦ AXISTRESS: ' You're leaving toniorrrtw? I thought you were supposed to give me « week's notice. Cook: I know, ma'am, but I forgot to tell you .last week.

"MISTRESS: The best coal has all gone. I told you not to use the big coal on the kitchen fire. Maid: I didn t, mum. 1 broke it up! -f -f ♦ ♦

JACK: So your father, demurred at first because he didn't want to lose you. Ethel: Yes; but I won hi* consent. I told him that he need not loee me. We could live with him, and so he would not only have me, but a son-in-law to boot. Jack: H'm! I don't like that exprefcfcion "to boot!''

Holiday Problem A woman whose hearing was not too good called at the booking hall of an English railway station, aeking about facilities to Ireland. "How much is it to Ireland!" aeked the woman. "Do you propose to travel third class by train and saloon on the boat?" asked the clerk. The woman looked amazed, and bellowed back: "By balloon, did you say? My goodness, not for me." ♦ ♦ * ♦ Pie for One Two ardent supporters of cricket, employed in a factory adjacent to one of the county grounds, had taken advantage of their dinner hour to slip into the ground for a peep at the match then in progress. Naturally every minute of their time was precious, but the pangs of hunger had to be assuaged; eo one of them whistled up a small boy who wm hanging about. " 'Ere, my lad," he said. "Take this shilling and bring three pies; tha' can have one on 'cm for thysen. Look sharp!" The lad took the shilling, and in a few minutes was back again. He gravely handed the man eightpence. "Hey, what's this?" asked the latter. The lad looked at him soberly. "It's thy change," he explained. "They nobbut had one pie!"

Exactness Mistress (e.vwmining dinner plate): Is this dried mustard left on from yesterday ? Maid (after scrutiny): No, ma'am, the day before. .♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Nipped in the Bud "Say, don't you ever have a day off for your grandmother's funeral?" asked the first office boy. "Day off," he sniffed. "What a 'ope, with me working for the Registrar of Births and Deaths." ♦ + ♦ ♦ Proof Mrs. Boston: It has been said that there is no money in literature, and now I know it is true. Mrs. Guest: How's that? Mrs. Boston: Well, ever since Charlie got to know those gentleman who make books he never has a single penny. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Kate and Sydney It was the day of the twins.' christening and father, having imbibed early, felt a bit muddled. "What are the names?" whispered the clergyman as he held the twins in his arms at the ceremony. "S-steak and k-kidney," said the nervous and fuddled father. "You fool," cried the mother, "it's Kate and Sydney."

The Kill-joy The inhabitants of a small county town convened a meeting for the purpose of receiving suggestions for brightening up the lot of the local community. At last one, bolder than the rest, said he was in favour of a Bright Sunday. Immediately, an old resident, a portly dame, rose from her seat, retorted hotly: "There'll be no Bright Suiidays where 1 am!" * ♦ * * A Dog's Life He was a pork butcher, and be and his sausages had done very well indeed in the town —until a rival came along and by undercutting and pushful publicity started to take all the trade in the place. Butcher No. 1 was sitting in hie shop musing on what the inside of a workhouse would look like, when a bright idea suddenly struck him. Changing his clothes as quickly as he could, he hurried to his competitor's shop and, elbowing his way through the crowd of customers, planted a dead dog on the counter. "'Ere y'are, .Jack!" he exclaimed in a loud voice. "That makes the dozen!" * ♦ ♦ ♦ Cautions To aid the funds of a new hall in a certain village, a kind helper presented a pig, which was to become the property of the holder of the lucky ticket. Two sisters, well known for their miserly ways, were accosted by the ticket seller. She Bpoke to the elder sister first. "Will you help with our village hall fund by buying a ticket?" she asked. "Maybe you'll win the pig." "Yes, I'll buy a ticket," agreed the elder sister, and paid her sixpence. Turning to the second sister, the ticket seller repeated her question: "And now will you have a ticket as well?" she suggested. "No," retorted the other without hesitation; "we can't both win one pig." ♦ ♦ * * Honesty Pays A well-dressed man approached a farmer and said: "I beg your pardon, but I believe you have a black retriever dog?" With unpaid dog taxes in his mind, the farmer said: "No, no; he's only a poor stray brute who followed me home; he doesn't belong to me!" "Oh, I see," said the stranger. "It's all right, then. I accidentally shot the dog, and came round to compensate you."