LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

Auckland Star, Volume LXIX, Issue 208, 3 September 1938, Page 17 (Supplement)

LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

RETTY (just engaged): Doris, can you imagine what it k like to be in love, to sit next to the man you adore, and feel your innermost soul vibrate ? Dork: Of course, my dear. I feel like that every time Joe takes me out on his motor bike. * ♦ ♦ ♦ jy£IKE (meeting an old friend): How are ye doin' now? Pat: All roight, Mike;, but where are ye livin' now? Down by the river, firop in some day and see me. ♦ * ♦ ♦ JJIDDY: Patrick (who is talking with a gentleman outside), come to your coup o' tay an' four eggs. Patrick: Ah, Biddy, where is the eggs? Faith, Oi didn't want to let the gintleman know we lived on praties all the toime.

"JkTOTHER: Edward! Edward I Edward! What are you doing to Willie? Edward: We're playing spring-cleaning, and Willie said he'd be the carpet if I'd do the work. ♦ ♦ * ♦ XTIKE: They does be after tellin' me at the dispensary that I hae insomnia, Biddy. Biddy: Thin why don't ye* be a/Qier goin' to bed and slaping t ° ffT + ♦ ♦ * PEGGY: Why don't you and your mummie go to the church that me and my mummie go tot Violet: 'Cause we belong to a different abomination. ♦ ♦ * * ""V"ES, 'e'e gone after a job, but 'ell never get it. It's clerical work. •Why?' I says to 'im, you ain't never done no church work in your life.'" + + + "T~|AD, what's a Scotch mist?" "When a man asks you to have a drink ,nd vou don't hear him." ♦ ♦ ♦ * (t ■ 'j* you do not close that window, X w a Her, I shall die from the *«ui*ht," eaid a lady diner. "And if von do close it I shall die from the Wt in this hot weather!" exclaimed a stouter lady. There wa« » giggle «mnn»t the dinera *at a dilemma of waiter, when a literary gentleman laid: "My good fellow, your duty is dote the window and kill one jidy/tben open it and kill the other Ikdy'"

piRST Chorus Girl: I'm going out tonight with an Irishman. Second Chorus Girl: Oh, really. No, O'Riley. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ JjJROWX: How did your wife get on with her slimming diet? Jones: It was a great success. She disappeared completely last week. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ A' JfJJGRO who had been exploring chicken coops heard that the sheriff was after him. Hastily, he sought the railway station, and asked for a ticket to the end of the line on the fastest train. "Our fastest train left just 10 l.iinutes ago," he was told. "Well," gasped the negro, "jes' give me a ticket an' point out de track!" ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ villager was summoned for the nuisance caused by his piggery, which the neighbours claimed was detrimental to their health. The rustic old gentleman argued his own case and summed it up thus: The neighbours say, your Honor, that 'ogs is unhealthy. I say they ain't. Look at me. Ain't I 'ealthy ? ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ rpHE small boy had gone to boardingschool. Hi# first letter home concluded: The tuck shop is ripping. I have spent all my money; will you please send me a poet Lauder T ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ rjiHE owner of a racing car, driving along a country road, overtook an old man, and, being of a kindly disposition, offered him a lift. His passenger was tremendously impressed by the speed and luxury of the car, and to humour the old fellow he accelerated until they were travelling at about 60 miles an hour. Suddenly the car skidded and crashed into a tree. The old man picked himself out of the ruins, filled his pipe, and remarked thoughtfully, "That sartainly was fine, sir, but there's one thing that puzzles me. How do you stop her when there ain't no trees about T"

Eggs Not Included A Scottish farmer had agreed to deliver 20 hens to the local poulterer. When the birds arrived, however, the shopkeeper found that there were only 19 in the case. Just before the shop closed for the night the farmer came hurrying to the poulterer's office, bringing the twentieth hen. "Man," said the poulterer, "but you're late with this one!" " "Ay," agreed the other. "But she didna"lay until this afternoon!" ♦ > ♦ * Not Lost, But— The timid old lady had asked the ferryman to take her across the river. The water wa« not too smooth, and the boat looked rather frail. The intending passenger hesitated. "Tell me," she asked anxiously, "has anyone ever been lost in crossing thie river?" "Lor' bless yer, mum," came the cheerful reply, "certainly not. My brother was drowned last week, and a chap from t' next village fell in 'bout two months ago. But we found 'em both afore the week was out." ♦ ♦ * * Room for Malachi The new vicar (during a lengthy discourse on the minor prophets): And •now, my brethren, we come to Malachi. Where shall we put Malachi t Farmer Giles (reaching for his hat): Ye can put him in my pew. I'm going home. + ♦ + ♦ The Way Out "Look here, me lad," said the builder to the foreman, "there's men coming on the job after t' whistle's blown. This'll have to be altered, tha knows." A week later he approached the'foreman and asked how things were going. "Aye," said the foreman, "the last man on the job now blows t' whistle."

Pin Money? A Scotsman entered the post office and asked the postmaster for a sixpenny postal order. The postmaster looked up at Mac and said: "So you are going to have a go at the pools this week, Mac?" Mac retorted: "It is a pity that you can't mind your own 'business. Can't a man send money home to his wife without you asking questions?" ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Taking no Chances An old lady waJked into a chemist's shop and said: "I suppose you are a properly qualified chemist?" "Yes, madam." "You've never poisoned anyone by mistake ?" "Not to my knowledge." She heaved a sigh of relief. "Very well, then, you can give me a pennyworth of cough drops." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Very Conscientious Mr. Tangle: Yes, I flatter myself that rtn a pretty conscientious man. Whatever I do, I do it with all my might. Mrs. Tangle: Nobody would ever have the slightest doubt of that, Henry, if they ever heard you snore!" ♦ * * ♦ What a Shock It was Friday night, and Sandy turned up his wages to his wife. "Look here, Sandy, there is sixpence short." "Yes, Mary Ann. We had an explosion at the works, and the foreman docked me for the time I was in the air." ♦ ♦ ♦ if More Difficult James had obtained a position as a butler and become very friendly with the other servants of the house. "In my last place I used to take things fairly easily," he said. ""Well, it's different here," exclaimed one of the servants. "They keep everything locked up." j + + + 4; ' Splendid "Hello, Tom," said his friend, "how's your son going on in London?" "He's doing fine, Joe. In his letter this morning he said he's worked him-1 self up to the top." i "What's he doing?" | "He started as a shoemaker, and now he's a hairdresser 1"