LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

Auckland Star, Volume LXIX, Issue 142, 18 June 1938, Page 19 (Supplement)

LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

JONES: What's an artist'# model? ( Brown: A mystery to me. "How dyou mean!" "Well, an artist's model is certainly a 'poeer.' " ♦ ♦ * ♦ "JJAD to let our minister got" one verger announced to another. "What's the matter?" asked the other. "Church warden* decided he wasn't sound." "How's the new man!" "Oh! He's all sound!" ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ wife ie always asking for things we can't afford." "My wife never does that." "How on earth do you majiage it?" "My wife never asks me; she tells me we are going to have them." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ 'yiCAR: Let me see. How long have you been a widow, Mrs. Brown? Mrs. Brown: Ever since poor Brown died, sir.

rpHE Poet: Some people thirst after fame, others after wealth, others after love. Pert Miss: And there is something all people thiret after. "What's thatt" "Salt fish." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ interest was taken in the appointment of the members of the deputation which wa« to go to London to voice certain desires of the village community. "Well, John," said one village worthy to another, "I've juet heard m they've app'inted your Absolom to be one o' the dappytation. What's think o' that?" John, torn between family pride and a reputation for sincerity, reflected before replying. And then; "Well, now, I think our Absolom is a very good man to go on a deppytation—«o long as he keeps his mouth shut." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ o L ? lady (to chauffeur, who is alow in helping her from her limousine): James, you are not so gallant as you were when a boy. Chauffeur: No, madam, and you are not so buoyant as you were when a gal. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ TTR. LEAVER (meeting his friend): x Well, Bob, I have beaten all records this time. "In what manner have you broken all'records T" "Why, I hare lived on an apple a days for five weeks." "Well, that's nothing at all. I have lived on earth for 36 yeare." ♦ * * ♦ TN a cathedral city the annoal dinner of a charitable organisation was being arranged. When it came to proposing the toast list the netr aecretary asked: "Is it cuatomary to toaat the bishop?" "Yes, indeed," said oae of the eommitlee. "'The Bishop' J* always drtmk at this dinner."

All Quiet at the Pyramids A famous city organist had just finished playing a selection of music at a country town hall. He put his hand on his chest, then bowed, and announced: "I will now play the sonata, 'Moonlight on the Pyramids.' " He put his fingers to the keys. There was no sound. Presently the organ-blower peeped round the organ and said in a stage whisper, "Say we will perform 'Moonlight on the Pyramids.'" ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Up-to-date The two youngsters were visiting a museum for want of some more exciting occupation. The exhibits did not excite them very much until they came round a corner and gazed upon a well-preserved mummy swathed in bandages. Underneath was a card with the date B.C. 1412. "Wonder what those figures mean?" asked Tommy. "Oh, that's easy!" replied his companion. "I bet that's the number of the car that knocked him down." ♦ + ♦ ♦ Hobby's "Eye Wash" The old-fashioned doctor had examined the poor man's eyes, and took his wife on one side and said, "I fear expensive optical treatment beyond your means, but let him wa.-.ii his eyes around every morning with a little brandy and water, and I will call and see him again." The doctor returned in a week and asked how the good man was getting on. "Alas, doctor," said the wife, "he has tried his best to bathe his eyes like you said, but he can never get the cup past his mouth."

Not a Fan "lou must be keen on the talkies, old boy, to go twice a week." "It's not that exactly. You see, if I don't go regularly I can't understand what my grandchildren are saying.'' ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Posterity Knocking at the Door At a meeting at which a man known for his verbosity rose to speak, the chairman whispered to him, "Five minutes, Mr. Jones!" / But the speaker went on and on, and the audience got more and more restive. After a very fine outburst of oratory, the speaker continued, "I am not oniy speaking on my own behalf, but on your behalf and on behalf of .generations to come." Then came an impatient voice from the back of the hall, "Well, if you don't hurry up, the generations to come will be here before you've finished." ♦ + ♦ + A Necessary Correction A clergyman recently engaged with another in a controversy regarding some question of theology sent to a newspaper a long article supporting his side of the question. The manuscript had been set up in typo for the next day's issue. About midnight the journal's telephone rang furiously; it was the minister who wanted the editor. "I am sorry to trouble you at such a late hour," he said, "but I am in great trouble." "What can T do for you?" was asked. "In the article I sent you to-day I put Daniel in the fiery furnace. Please take him out and put him in the lion's den."

SCOTTISH farmer visited the village school and tested the intelligpnee of the class by the question: "Xow, boys, ean any of you tell me what naething is?" After a moment's pause a smart boy in a back seat rose. "It's what ye gi'ed me the other day for holding yer horse." ♦ * * ♦ gHE: The Brownes must be awfullv rich, judging from the clothes they wear. He: Oh! One can never tell. Some of the most gorgeou# flowers haven't got a scent. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ "J HEAR that yoti have lost your valuable dog." "Yes, in a railwav accident. I was paved, but the dog wasn't." "Goodness! What a pity!" °

Q.UEST: Her voice is like velvet. Husband: Sh-sh! She may want a dress to match it. * * ♦ ♦ "D° y<m want * for * house or a flat?" "Why? What's the difference ? * "Dogs for flat* wag their tails up and down/' ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ •'J'VE bought the most wonderful thing, dear. It's a luminous lipstick that shines in the dark." "Just the thing to put on baby so that we can give him his bottle without turning on the lights." j♦* + * I "R ATHER unsettled to-day, sir," said the waiter, with "tip" written all ! over his face. "Yes," was the reply, "and apparently there'll be no change coming, cither." ♦ ♦ Why raise my rent when I am only occupying this miserable little attic? Landlord: Well, you use the stairs more than anybody else. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ "W HE X I'm a man shall I stop growin" at end «?" "Yes, dear." H m; then I suppose I shall start growing in the middle like daddy?" * ♦ ♦ ♦ "IJIHIS young man who calls so often, M®ry ar e you thinking of marrying him?" "\es, m'm." "Do you know enough about him?" "Oh, yes, m'm; you see the girl has been engaged to for three years is a friend of mine." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ KITTLE Johnny (who hag been sent for some ipecacuanha): P-p-p-please I want a p-p-penn'orth of ipe-ipip-lpip — Chemist: Hurray! ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ fpHERE'S a lot of favouritism in our family," complained the little boy to & friendly schoolteacher. "When I bite my fingernails I get a hiding, but if baby puts his whole foot in hi*jaouth, then thtj think it's cute."