LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

Auckland Star, Volume LXIX, Issue 66, 19 March 1938, Page 11 (Supplement)

LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

The Ritual Said one golfer to another: "What's that fellow with the broken chib making such a fuss about? New member, isn't he?" "Yes, he's swearing himself in* ♦ ♦ * ♦ ]Vo Middlemen A man told a friend that he was running for an undertaker, as his wife was seriously ill. "But," remonstrated the friend, "it's Tiot an undertaker you w:uit; it's a doctor." "Na, na," was the reply. "I canna' afford to deal wi' middlemen." j * * ♦ * A New Idea The tiny brother of the bride was given a piece of wedding cake to put under his pillow. The following morning his mother'said to him, "Well, Robin, did you sleep with the wedding cake under your pillow and dream of your future wife?" "No, Tnummie," replied Robin. "1 ate the cake, 'cuuse I wanted my wife to be a surprise." + ♦ ♦ ♦ Training Early Father: Johnny, there's a button off your coat. Go upstairs and sew it on. Little Johnny (in surprise): Mother •will sew it on, dad. Father: I know she will, but I want you to learn to sew buttons on yourself. Johnny looked amazed: Why, dad? Father (solemnly): Some day, Johnny, you won't have a mother —nothing but a wife.

Grateful Yokel A policeman on point duty in one of itlie streets of London was accosted by A country man with the remark, 'I ve lost a 2/ piece somewhere in London.' 2so more was said. Robert s face was a .study. It happened a couple of days after that the street was up to lay some pipes, when the yokel, seeing the constable in the same place, amused him with the statement, "I didn't want you {to take all this trouble over it." + + + * Hooked a Salmon A Scottish laird invited an English friend to have a week's fishing with him in Scotland. One day the Englishman, rather a novice with the rod, hooked a fine salmorj, but between the excitement and the strength of his catch, slipped into the water. The gliillie, seeing him in difficulty, hooked him with the gaff and would have dragged him ashore when the laird called out: , „ , "What are ye about, DonaldT hand o' the rod and mak' sure o'fush; ma friend can bide a wee, but. the fus winna!" * * ♦ * A Hard Case An American train was travelling at a good speed on a branch line when suddenly the engine left the rails. n B porter, who had been standing J a window in the; saloon, was thrown through the glass and flung some dozen yards before he was brought up short by crashing his head against a concrete For a few moments he lay dazed, then le sat up and rubbed his head A crowd ,©f passengers were quickly on the ece . "Good heavens!" cried one of them. '"We thought you must be .dead. "No," replied the negro slowly. Ah reckons that concrete post must hav broken mo fall."

Explaining Master: Now, Smithers, tell me where the Rhine goes. Smithers: Dahn the gutters inter the drines, sir. * ♦ ♦ ♦ Something Just as Good Patent Medicine Proprietor: Did that chap we sent the gross of medicine to for a Christmas present send us a testimonial ? Secretary:' Well, no; but we got cards of thanks from several of his heirs! + + ♦ ♦ Futurist Picture Two visitors from the country village visited an art gallery in the city. They stoorl gazing at a futurist picture. "What is it?" asked one. His friend replied, "A cow grazing." "Where is the grass?" "Oh, she has eaten it all." "Then where Is the cow?" "You don't think she would be such a fool as to stay there when it had all gone!" ♦ ♦ * ♦ Sure to Stick They were writing letter#. Hubby suddenly looked up, worried. "What's the matter, dear?" asked his wife. "Why—er —I had it on the tip of my tongue, and now it's gone." "Never mind," she said soothingly. "Just think hard for a moment —it's sure to come back." "Thinking won't help this time—it was a three-ha'penny stamp." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ The Art of Conversation An admiral at a dinner party, finding himself next to a very smart blonde, wanted anxiously to make conversation. At length, in sheer desperation, he said: "I'm in the Navy, you know; my father was in the Navy, so was my grandfather; and my great-great-grandfather fought with Hood." The dazzling creature replied calmly: "Really—what about?" Some four weeks later the admiral again found himßelf in a similar predicament, seated next to another very nice blonde. At length he said, "Madam, a month ago I was seated next to a lady very much like yourself, and I told her I was in the Navy, and that my great-great-grandfather fought with Hood. And she replied, 'Really—what about ?' " The admiral's charming new companion turned to him and said, "Well, really, what a stupid question—everybody knows Hood was a boxer!"

A Cyclist Mose was slowly pedalling his dilapidated bicycle down the village street. "There he goes," cried mammy. "There goes who?" demanded her friend. "Why, ma husb'n. Look at him; he's so shiftless that he sits down to walk." + ♦ + -tSilenced A very particular housekeeper was having her bedroom painted. Wishing to learn what progress the painter was making, she crept to the bottom of the stairs and listened. Not a sound reached her ears. "Painter," she called, becoming »nspieious, "are you working?" "Yes, ma'am," came the reply. , "I can't hear you making a sound," the housekeeper rejoined. "Perhaps not, ma'am," the painter callcd back. "I ain't putting the paint on with a hammer."

Told by an Architect The jerry builder had retired late on Saturday, dreaming of a peaceful day before him free from the rush and scurry of everyday existence. Alas! for his hopes. Early next morning he was awakened by an excited night watchman's, "Please, sir, one of the" new houses has fallen down in the night." "What!" roared the builder, "you mean to tell me that one of my wellbuilt, desirable villa residences has come to grief. How the dickens did that happen 1" "Well, sir," explained the watchman, "so far as I can make out, there was a little mistake. The scaffolding was taken down before the men put the wallpaper on."

Not Uncommon Stranger (visiting country): Sir, may I ask you what your pursuit in life is? Resident (whose business is in nearest town): Certainly, sir, the 8.40 train in the morning and the 0.50 at night. ♦ ♦ * ♦ The Reason "You're not looking too 'appy, Mrs. 'Arris," remarked a neighbour. "No, Mrs. Smith —it's this uncertain weather. One day it's 'ot and the next it's cold; yer never know wot to pawn." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Money Refunded "Children in arms not admitted," said the cinema attendant to a Scotsman, his wife and baby. After a great deal of persuasion on the Scot's part, the attendant agreed to let them enter on the understanding that if the baby cried they would have to come out and would have their money refunded. After seeing half the programme, the Scot inquired of his wife what she thought of it. "Not much," she said. "Nor me," he said. "Pinch that bairn again and come on." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ The Redeeming Feature The house agent decided to be quite frank with his latest clients. "Of course," he began, "this house has one or two drawbacks which I feel I must mention. It is bounded on the north by the gasworks, on the south by an indiarubber works, on the east by a vinegar factory, and on the west there is a glue-boiling establishment." "Good heavens!" gasped the husband. "Fancy showing us such a place. What a neighbourhood." "Quite so," replied the agent. "But there are advantages. The rent is cheap, and 3 r ou can always tell which way the wind is blowing." * * *4- ♦ On His Back The first duty of a yard labourer was to take the watchdog for a swim each morning when the weather permitted. The nearest suitable water, however, was nearly a mile distant, so he started to wet the dog thoroughly with a hosepipe, thereby saving himself lots of time and trouble. One morning, however, his foreman approached him with a merry twinkle in his eye. "Look 'ere, Joe," he said, "what sort of water did the dog swim in this morning? It's wet his back but left the rest quite dry." "It ain't the water, sir, it's the dog," was the answer. "He's the only one I ever knew that always swims on his back." ♦ * ♦ Obeying Instructions The master of the house viewed the decorations which had just been completed. "How do you like them, sir?" the decorator asked, getting his things together. "Very sice, indeed. I'm exceptionally pleased with your work. Here's half a crown. Take the missus to the pictures." Later that day the front door bell rang. The master of the house opened the door and was surprised to see the painter there, dressed in his Sunday best. "Hullo, what do you want?" "I've come to t-ake the missus to the pictures!"