THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXVIII, Issue 283, 29 November 1937, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MEN ABOUT TOWN.)

IThe glorious week-end sunshine has taken its toll of sunbathers. To-day the obnoxious • habit of slapping an acquaintance on the back I will carry more risk of REMEDIES. common assault than ever. A fortunate few are able to bask for hours and cook themselves brown without the slightest physical inconvenience. On the other hand, the blondes invariably suffer, for seemingly the sun's rays, like the gentlemen, prefer them. Coconut oil well rubbed in beforehand, will save a deal of misery even to the tender-skinned. Applied after the cooking it is no gw>d. The efficacy of such remedies depends upon the methods employed in their application. I heard of a bald-headed man who was persuaded by a loquacious barber to persevere with a certain hair-restorer lotion. Months passed without the appearance of a single hair, and one day the "patient" entered the shop with. "I've had five bottles of that stuff and nothing has happened. I intend to drink one more and then give it up." —B.C.H. Well, well, this education is a wonderful thing. About a week ago I foolishly published in this column a pro Mem sent in by a reader concerning the dividing up THE of seventeen head of cattle "HUMDINGER." between three sons of a deceased parent, and correct answers simply flowed in from all directions. Then another reader suggested I should present something a little more difficult and sent along what he called a "humdinger." It appeared in this column on Friday headed "Four Fours." And now a lad of fifteen Christmases writes to say that if I have any more "humdingers" I should scrap them and get something really hard. He signs himself "G.M." and gives his address as Mount Eden. He encloses the correct answer, which he says took him just under an hour to arrive at. It may l>e some satisfaction to the budding Rhodes scholar to know that lie is. at the time of knocking up this par. (Monday, noon), the only one to send in the correct solution. From to-morrow "(J.M." will ple;ise take a seat at the top of the class and any further good work on his part may see him promoted to monitor.—Johnny.

Tartan iies are glowing on all sorts of manly—or, at least, male—bosoms these days. It is part of the tribute that the conquered Sassenachs pay to their ' SYNTHETIC overlords; quite a pathetic SCOTS, one. Eager to belong to the ruling race, the Smiths and Browns, who, in their heart of hearts, loath everything Scots, search back through their family histories until they either find, or get so far back that it is safe to invent, an ancestor with a good Scots name, and then send a rush order to Messrs. Moses and Conkstein for ties of the tartan of that ilk. You can always tell, however, these pseudo-Scots. I Lead them to where a pipe band is playing, and then, even if they can suppress all signs of anguish in their faces, just place a finger in the small of the back. You will then feel the uncontrollable quiver of the spine that betrays their blood, the legacy, of course, of generations of ancestors who never heard the pices but when they had their backs jto them, with every nerve tingling in anticipation of the overtaking claymore. Still, out of earshot of the pipes, the synthetic Scotsman "gets away with it" quite well, so long as ,he remembers (which he often does not) that !a Scotsman wears a kilt, not "kilts." You imay sometimes even hear Smith and Brown J relighting, over their end-of-the-day handles, .ancient battles between their respective ! (adopted) clans.. Our two synthetic Caledo[nians were at it hot and strong the other night, pettin? all worked i.p over some old clan feud that they had read alnmt in a whisky advertisement. "I'm descended on my mother's side from the Bin-hannns. one of the sreatest clans of Scotland.*' declared Sinithers. "But our family is a sept of the Kobertsons. one of the oldest in the Highlands." ma'ntained our other affliction. "Isn't that en*" be asked, turning for confirmation to old Mac, the engineer, who had just. wandered in. "Ah ,dinna ken. laddie,"' was r>lrl Mac's disappointing response. "Ah'm juist a V\<j blander masel'." (."beers for the dinkum Enzedder!—l.M.

I I am told that we are soon all going to .learn to swim. There is to be a learn to-swim week on a national basis, and everyl>ody who can't swim is toing to be SUICIDE. sternly asked why and then shown how.' This seems to be all to the good, and may do something 'owards removing the "national death" from New Zealand. A member of a Southern county council has mir'p the discovery that people outs'de New Zealand refer to drowning as the "national death"' in this country. So apparently Xew Zealander* drown themselves with preater persistence than do the people in other countries. Perhaps, if we are all tamdit to swim, something will then he done ,to dei'l with that pest on the ocean beaches who determines just where he will swim and tells the surf lifesav?ht lnd'l'" who tries to prevent him committlm* sui : de just where he <rets off. I s a w one of H'ese know-all "entry doing his stuff a year or two asro on one of the most treacherous of our ocean heaches. The surf was dirty, the undertow was nasty and there was a swirling current running. The : know-all- fel'ow arrived and l>ared his manly bosom to the breeze. The surf life-snvine 'n<\lic hutted in to tell him not to swim at jtbesnot where he apparently intend-d to enter the water. He said to that surf laddie: "Xow (surf laddie, you fro away and mind your own business. I can look after myself." Or. I rather, that is the parlour version of what j'he said. The words he actually used were |the sort that are written down and handed the Pencil. Four tin-top swimmers went within an ace of drowninT themselves a few ] minutes later drapjrinjr him oijt. He was a [complete, ""oner." and had to have resuscitation land "all the works." However, they saved shim. Xow thai Mr. Semple is ' deal'ns effectively* with the motorist who trk>s to kill himself, perhaps Mr. Parry or somebody will get busy with the bather who tries to drown (himself.—B.O'X.

CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES

Consider the arrogant Aussie. Proclaiming at cricket he's kins. And solemnly strutting because he Of wins over En«rlnnd can sins. New Zealand but little of late owes In matters of visits and such. But then we are too small potatoes To trouble Australians much. We hear of the glories of Bradman. Whose fame never sorms to grow dimBut who in N.Z. but a madman Woud hone for a visit from him? They give us a promise each season To ship him here over the foam. But still we are waiting. The "reason ? He's too bis a draw-card at home. Their critics, jn calm condescension. Hail Maonl.ind payers with praise. Ard s:>v that with practice unending We'll stnrtle thorn, one of thone days. But still thov continue to sliruc a Cold shoulder, despite our appeal. When we try the same same at Rugger Just hear the Australians sour-.]; -SIXBAD.

THOUGHTS FOR TODAY. Real worth requires no interpreter; its everyday deeds form its blazonry!—Cham fort. Be not uneasy, discouraged or out of humour be.ause practice fa'ls s •ii/t of piveent in "some particulars; if you happen to he beaten, return to the charge.—Marcus Aun-lius.