LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

Auckland Star, Volume LXVIII, Issue 270, 13 November 1937, Page 12 (Supplement)

LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

Accuracy Magistrate: What is you age? Remember you are on oath. Woman: Twenty-one and some months. Magistrate: How many month*? Woman: One hundred and seven. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ The Reason Why One of the Sunday school boys was a "terror." Each teacher in turn had tried to reform him but in vain, and it was decided that, because he upset the whole school, he had better be turn d out. Before taking this step, however, one of the teachers said he would have a talk with the culprit. He began by saying: "You are upsetting the whole school, and you know, Tommy, you are a very bad boy, don't you ?" "Yes. sir," was the reply. "T do. You see. that's why I come to the Sunday school —to be made good." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Horse Sense A cavalry officer wanted a hunter but. being unable to afford anything like a thoroughbred, was forced to buy a very ordinary hack of doubtful ancestry. "I assure you, sir, 'e's a good 'os, bred in military traditions," said the dealer, and so the bargain was struck. The animal, however, proved to be terribly slow, so the officer returned in a rage to the dealer. "I thought you said that brute was bred in military traditions?" he shouted. "That's right, boss." grinned the dealer. " 'E'd rather die than run."

Nothin* Doin' Mother: Tommy, when you cut the cake always give the big-er piece to the other person. Tommy: Here, Bill, you cut it. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Slightly Different The head of the firm was surprised to find the new lady secretary was ignorant of keeping accounts. "Why," said he, "1 distinctly asked you if you were used to keeping ledgers." "Oh," said the lady sweetly, "I thought you said lodgers: - ' ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Cancelled A bishop was preaching at one of the small parishes of his diocese. On arriving at the church he saw a. notice on the door, which said: "In view of the visit of the Bishop of there wil be no Pleasant Sunday Afternoon this week." .♦♦ ♦ ♦ Eager to Please Sandy McTavish. the proprietor of a modest coal bu>ines<i. had been to Paris. On hi* return he regaled hi« customers with descriptions of the pieces he had vi«ited. Occasionally he introduced to the best of his ability a French phrase or two. It was while he wa* thus engaged that a customer interrupted. "Please, Mr. McTavish. I'm in a hurry. Yon might send me half a ton of your 'Best' to-morrow."

"Certainly, madam," he replied. "Would you like me to send it 'coal-de sack' or a la carte ?"

A Blessing Husband: Great heavens! Those shares I bought are only worth 4d a piece to-day. Wife (helpfully): Isn't it a blessing you have so many of them ? ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ No Sense Small Girl: Daddy, why doe* mother moke those funny noises? Father: She's "singing baby to sleep, my dear. Small Girl: Then, daddv, why doesn't baby pretend to be asleep? ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ In Great Demand Mr. Ledger: The reason whv I ask for a rise, sir, is that there are 'three other companies after me. The Director: You surprise me. I'd like to know who they are. Mr. Ledger: Well, sir, there's the Water Company and the Gas Company and the company we bought our furniture from. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ The Problem The Englishman fingered the new threepenny piece appreciatively. "Xow that's something like a coin," he said enthusiastically. "Something to feel, not lose, in your pockets." "Aye, mon, th«Cs all right." replied his friend from Aberdeen. "But what shall I do when the concert programme states 'Silver collection'!" ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Short Weight A farmer who had sold some oats to a customer was taken to task for haying delivered short weight. "It's like this 'ere," explained the farmer, "w e aren't verv well off fer weights. We've got a" 561b, a cobble and a lump of a cart wheel that we know the weight of; and then we put in our farm boy. I've just thought, though, that the lad's been poorly for two or three weeks and mavbe's lost a bit of weight, so I'll make it up to ye." r ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Getting Round Him "We called to ask you to take a seat on our board of directors, Mr. Jones'" said the nine year-old spokesman of the party. "We're the Dauntless Dreadnaught football club, and our prospects «re extremely bright. Our age average works out at 11, and some really brilliant players have signed on the dotted line. We've a small overdraft a couple of bob, to be precise. But that is fully guaranteed. "We haven't got a ground vet, but we v e an option on the corporation rubbish tip, and the neighbours have kindly donated four disused line-props for jroal-posts. All we're short of now ]* the ball, and your honorary membership subscription would just do the trick." '♦ ♦ + ♦ Quite All Right As the big car passed through the small village the visitor saw an old man sitting on top of a pile of furniture, smoking and looking moat disconsolate. The visitor stopped his car and leaned slightly out. "I'm sorry for you. my poor old man," he said", "no roof over your head; here, perhaps this will help you, and he pressed & fiver into the old man's hand. (( "T nank 'ee, sor," said the old man. "Very kind of you, Oi'm sure." "I hope things will be better for you soon." «aid the other. "01| be quite orl roight when she's finished." replied the old man, jerking his thumb in the direction of a cottage door. "Who's she?" "Why. my old woman; she be whitewashing the place."