In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVIII, Issue 234, 2 October 1937, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

cAnecdotes and Stories z

■ PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. ! I For the beet Anecdote tent in each week ( J ft prize of five shillings is awarded. I I The prize this week goes to Mrs. G. ! I Ross, Forest Lske Road, Hamilton, for I J " What a Tiger! " 1 ' J WHAT A TIGER! At a dinner party one night an English nobleman told a yarn concerning a tiger he shot in Africa. "It measured twentyfour feet," said he, " from snout to tail tips." Everybody locked somewhat astonished, but nobody ventured to insinuate disbelief in the story, except an old Scotsman, who plated at the noble lord, and promptly started telling the story of a lish he once caught. He had been unable to pull it in alone he said, but with the aid of six strong friends he managed to land it at last, after a fearful struggle.

"It was a skate," he concluded triumphantly, " and it covered two acres.'' The noble lord looked at the old Scot through his glasses, rose with dignity and .marched straight out of the room. Others followed, and after a while the host returned looking very worried.

" Look here," he said to the truculent old Scotsman, " you have insulted Lord , and you must apologise."

"Well," said the braw and wary Scot, " tell your noble lord that if he'll take ten feet off the tiger, I'll see what I can do with tlir fish! " Jewish salesman: This coat I vill let you have for half of the catalogue price? Scottish customer: Whit price was the catalogue T Hotel Page: Telegram for Mr. Neidspondiavanci, Mr. Neidspondiavanci! Mr. Neidspondiavanci: What initial, please ? Earwig: I hear your wife is ill. Is it dangerously ? Dillpick: Oh, no. She is too weak to be dangerous. Englishman: What a funny pair" of socks you've on, Pat. One's grey and the other's blue. Pat: Yee, I've got another pair exactly the same at home. Brown: Did you fish with fliesT Gray (back from camping holiday) : Fish with them! We fifthcd with them, camped with them, ate with them and slept with them. Facetious Daughter: Ma, I've had an offer of marriage. Mother: I'm delighted to hear it, my dear! Who from? Facetious Daughter: Our clergyman. He says that he will marry me when I can find a husband!

"You must remember, my boy, that wealth does not bring happiness," said the fatherly parson. "I don't expect it to," answered the modern youth, "I merely want it so that I may be able to choose the kind of misery that is most agreeable to me." Husband (bursting breathlessly into police station!: '"My wife has disappeared. inspector!" Inspector: "When?" "A fortnight ago." "Hut why haven't you come here before "I conkln't believe it, sir." The kind old lady had used the public telephone for the first time, and had given the operator trouble. After she had finished hqj conversation she called the exchange. Tin very sorry to have given you so winch trouble, miss," she said, "so I'm putting another penny in the slot —for vou."

lii a part of Xorth Wales there is a very dangerous liill. A workman was told to put a "dangerous hill" board at the top. Two or three days Inter the foreman found it placed at "the bottom. He said to the workman. "You idiot, I told you to put the board at the top." '•Whatever, indeed." said the man. "All the accidents happen at the bottom."

The two modern wives were discussing their respective husbands over a cup of ton. The first complained that her husband never arrived home from his chil> until it was well pn«t midnight. "Well, my dear." said her friend, "for years I wondered where my husband was'spending his evenings. And then one night 1 reached home early—and there he was!"

Some men were travelling from Liverpool to London. One missed his handkerchief—a colourful, expensive affair— and bluntly accused his neighbour, ail Tiishman. of taking it. Rising. the man found he had been sitting on the handkerchief. A third passenger suggested that the accuser apologise. But the Irishman said: "Oh", there is no occasion for an apology. Sure it was a mutual mistake. He took me for a thief, and I took him for a gentleman."

An employee, whose work had been much appreciated by his firm, in funnel the cashier that a mistake had been made in his wages—he had been given ten shillings too nuicli. The ca~hier counted the contents of the envelope and announced that there was no mis take, the firm havins decided to raise the man's wages. "How lonsr have T been having this?" asked the employee in a surprised voice. "The increase was made just, three months apro." "Oh. the cat!" cried the other. "She never told me."

MUTUAL EXCHANGE. Firet Gent.: A little bird told m« what kind of a lawyer you are! Second Gent.: What did the bird say? Firet Gent.: Cheap, cheap. Second Gent.: Well, a duck told me what kind of a doctor you are! A SARCASTIC HUSBAND. Mrs. Spendem (trying on a new hat) • Dear me, how small the hata are this season. This do&sn't suit my fae* all; it's such a little thingl Air. Spendem (examining paper)Better wear the bill, that eeema bi» enough. °

ECONOMY. Young Aby had just oome homo after his first day at school, and proudly told his father, "I borrowed a bicycle cycled behind d© bus, and sabed top-' pence in fares." Old Aby: Vi you not cycle behind a taxi and sabe half-a-crown? FOLLOWER. Brown: What does your friend do for a living? Jones: He follows the medical profession. Brown: Oh, I didnt know he was a physician. Jones: He's not. He's an undertaker. NOBODY LOST. "Has anybody ever been lost m crossing here ?" asked a timid old farmer, who had hired a boatman to ferry him across a river. "Xo, sir," was the reply. "My brother was drowned here last week, but we found him the next day about a milp down the river." PHEWI Murphy was paying 28/ a week board and lodging. One day his landlady said, "Pat, Pm afraid I shall have to charge you another 2/. You're such a big eater!" "For heaven's sake don't do that!" aaid Murphy. "I'm killin' mygelf already tryin' to ate 28/ worth!" ALARMING. Two men on the top of a bue, one 0 f whom was showing the other a new alarm clock he had just bought. "Posh isn't it?" he said. "Just look at that luminous dial!" And then a red-faced man in the seat in front turned round. "Look 'ere," he said, "let's have none of them there personal remarks." LATE. MacGregor and MacPherson decided to become teetotallers, but MacGregor thought it would be best if they had one bottle of whisky to put in the cupboard in case of illness. After three days MacPherson could beer it no longer, and said, "MacGregor, Ah'm not verra weel!" "Too late, MacPherson, Ah was Terra sick masel' all day yesterday." EDUCATION NEGLECTED. A merry party was going on in one of the rooms of an hotel, when the festivities were interrupted by an attendant, who said, "Gentlemen, I've b*n sent to ask you to make less noise. T%e guest in the next room can't read." "Can't read," replied the host. "Well, tell him he ought to be ashamed of himself. I could read when I waa five." READY TO OBLIGE. The income tax collector's patience had become exhausted at last, and he was laying down the law to one of hia "clients."

"I'm getting tired," he said, "of coming here three and four times a week about this money. I insist that yon make some definite arrangements -with. me." "Sure," answered the business man. "Suppose you call every Wednesday morning." NEXT PLEASE. Johnson: "Do yon know, my friend Professor is the most absentminded man I know. The other morning he thought he'd left his watch at home, and then took it out to see if he'd time to go back for it." "Oh, that's nothing to a man I once knew. He left his office and put a card on the door to say he would be back at 3 o'clock. Finding that he'd forgotten something he returned to the office, read the notice, and sat down on the stairs to wait until 3 o'clock." DISCOVERY. our son went to Cambridge. Didn't he pro in for research work? Has he made any discoveries?" "Only one so far as I know," said the father, a little grimly. "He discovered what he calls his scientific paradox." "Really?" said the other, "and what does that mean precisely V" "Just this," said the father. "He succeeded in demonstrating that debts can be expanded by contracting them. FISHY STORY. An Englishman visiting an American lake asked a. native of the district if the place was good for fishing. "Sure, stranger." "What kind of fish?" asked the visitor. "Oh. all kinds, stranger." "What did the largest iish you ever caught weigh?" "Waal, stranger. w*. take weighing machines when we go fishing, and I am an honest man and wouldn't like to say how much the hn-t trout 1 caught would weigh. But I tell you. stranger, that when I pulled that fish out nf the water the lake went down a foot."