In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVIII, Issue 156, 3 July 1937, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

cAnecdotes and Stories z

f PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. ! ■ For the best Anecdote sent in each week a I a prize of five shillings is awarded. ■ I The prize this week goes to Miss M. ! J Sullivan, 21, Richmond Avenue, Grey a I Lynn, " Classy." J

CLASSY. A bricklayer applied-for a job on a big building, and the foreman told him lie could start next morning. " There's ju«t one thing," said the bricklayer. " I should like to work here very much, but, I can't see where I eould park my car." The foreman looked him #vb and then turned away. " You won't need no place to park," he returned over his shoulder. "This is a high-vlass job. and we're only taking bricklayers with chauffeurs." . I "Am I going to die. doetorf* "My dear .Air. Smith, that's the la«t thing you'll do!" "Is your wife a good afternoon speaker?" "Xo, but you should hear her before breakfast!" "Can't you satisfy the cnstomer?" asked the manager. "Trying to, sir; he wants a pair of shoes that squeak in the same key." "May I have my young man to tea on Sunday, ma'am?" "Who is your sweetheart, Bridget?" "I don't know yet, ma'am. I'm a stranger here." v First Caddie: What's your man like, Skeetcr ? Second Caddie: Left-handed, and keeps his ' change in hia right-hand pocket. I Corporal: That new recruit used to be a elcrk. Sergeant: How do you know? Corporal: Every time lie stands at csise he tries to put his rifle behind his ear. ) "Young man, I understand you have made advances to my daughter." "Yes, sir. I wasn't going to say anything about it. but since you have mentioned it. I wish you could get her to pay me back."

Sailor: Now, dud, I've told you I'm going to marry Agnes, hut there's one tiling Id like to get ofT my cheet. Father: What is that? Sailor: A tattooed heart with Lncv's name on iu Gentleman (nearly halt!) : You ought to cut my hair cheaper, there's so little of it. Bflrber: Oh. no. In vour we don't charge for cutting "the hair; vri charge for having to search for it. > Mr>. TllundiT liad received <1 telegram from India. "\Yliat an admirable invention the telegr.Vp'u is:'' .~he exclaimed. when you come to consider that tlils moisage has come a distance of thousands of miles, and the gum on the envelop© i«n"t dry yet." Magistrate (to woman charged with drnnkennc-s 1 : \nu must pay a line of live shillings. Ptii-oner: Sure, tlicn. I've but two shillings in the world. Magistrate: Wry well, you must go to prison. If you hadn't got drunk \\ith your money, you'd have had enough to pay the fine!

THE BABY'S TTAinr Mamma: I wonder what shall call our new baby. Tommy: I don't think w«*d tetter call him any of the names papa tailed him last night when he waa crying. H t mightn't like it when he grow* up." RAINPROOF. Customer (buying fur rrvktit : j wear this fur coat in the rain without hurting it? Salesman: Madam, have yon cv«t en a squirrel carrying an umbrella? OWE UP. TOfet If too didn't take so medi interest in horses you would be better off. You've had horses on the brain all your life. Hui>by i I guess that's why I happened to Tr.nrrj a nag. VALUABLE. Proud Father: Yes, my eon- west to the colonies several years ago to ™«V+ his fortune. Friend: And what is he -worth now? Father: I don't exactly know, but a few months ago the authorities were offering £500 for him. ALL LIT UP. Two sportive gentlemen were returning rather late from their elub when their car came to a level crossing. Just at that moment an express tore by and disappeared in a cloud of smoke and sparks. "Hie! I shay," said one. "did vwu see. hie. that village all lit up?" "Yesh: and did you notice, hie, the first housa was on fire?" NOT PERFECT. Two Scotsmen were watching a football match. One had a bottle, the other only a thirst. The bottle man wes talking very loudly about his knowWge of the game and what a fine player he was himself. During the conversation he helped himself liberally to the contents of his bottle, whereupon the thirsty one said: "Wcel. T notice ye"re a fine dribbler, tot ye re nae guid at passing." MY FRIEND'S MISTAKE. A friend of mine, on arriving about an . hour late at his office, uncoasciouslv, was ai-ked the reason why. .After considering he recollected and said: "Well, I pot fuddled last night, and on trying to wind the clock up I broke the end off the big hand and thus made it less Than the little hand, which fact 1 overlooked this morning, so I must h.ive left home at a quarter to ten j instead of ten to nine." TIME FOR ANOTHER. Twas nearly ten o'clock and Easter Monday was nearly over, and an old man in the village pub. hastily drank hie pint and prepared to depart. "Where be you going, Samuel?" Inquired the landlord. "I be going 'um," waa the reply. "What for? We got an extermination.'* "Extermination? What's that?"' "Well, it means as 'ow we can keep open an hour after we close." HOT WANTED. He had just kissed her aad*]>e was now telling her how much he loved'her. "Honestly, Brenda," he said moanilv, "you're the very first girl I've wanted for my own. The first I've ever really and truly loved." "My hat, old thing," she. said, calmlv, "fancy trying to work that old stuff on me. Me!"' "Well, dash it all." said the youth, a little taken aback, "you're the first girl who ever doubted it." HOLES IN ONE. A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's turn. "W ell." lie said, "I once drove a ball— accidentally, of course—through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught fire." "What did you do?" asked his friends. "Oh." said the veteran. "I immediatelv teed another ball, took careful aim and hit the fire alarm in High Street. And that- brought out the fire brigade before any damage was done." SAFE CROSSING. An old Irishwoman was very mystified | by the lights at the Belisha crossings on her first visit to the big city, so she asked a policeman (who happened to be a fellow countryman) to explain them to her. "Well." said he. "when ye see the red light stay where ye, are. "cos that's for , Kntrland. llut when ye see the green light it's safe ye are to cross, 'cos that"* for auld Oircland'."' "Ocli. and to l>e sure they don't give the old Orangeman much time, thanks lie," replied the old woman.