In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVII, Issue 235, 3 October 1936, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

| PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. ! * Fop the best Anecdote sent in each week g ' a prize of five shillings is awarded. J ■ The prize this week goes to Mrs. , • E. A. Barrow, Dargaville, Northern I I Wairoa, for " Wrong Lin©." I

WRONG LINE. The colonel found himself at dinner next to a sweet young thing of seventeen, and to keep the conversation going he told her how his grandfather had been killed at Waterloo. To which she made, in all seriousness, the response: "Which platform?" Two evenings later he met her companion sweet young thing and to amuse her he told the story. "The stupid child," he explained, "asked me, 'which platform?'" " What an idiot," was the reply "As if it mattered which platform it was." "Sixpence for that coat hanger? Too much. Haven't you something cheaper ?" "How about a nail, sir?" Teacher: Give me a good example of a coincidence. Tommy: JVfy father and mother were married on the same day. Ella: I'm never going to Holland when I grow up. Governess: Why not? Ella: Because our geography says it's a low, lying country. Wife (to seasick husband): Look, John, over there! Such a big ship! Husband: I don't want to see any ships. Call me when you see a bus! Customer: So you've got rid of that pretty assistant you had? Chemist,: Yes; all my men customers kept saying that a smiie from her was as good as a tonic. The angler had landed a catch when an inquisitive, interfering woman chanced to be passing. "Oh!" she exclaimed, "that poor little fish." "Well, madam," returned the fisherman, "if he'd kept iis mouth shut he wouldn't have got into trouble!"

The rain was pouring through a large hole in the roof of an Irish -labourer's cottage. "Why don't you mend that hole?" a stranger asked. "Sure, an' it's impossible to attend the roof in bad weather like this," answered Mike, "and in fair weather it's as good a roof as any." Minister (who is not popular in the parish, to little girl at door), "Is your mother in?" "Xc, she's oot." "Is jour father in?" "No, he's oot." "Oh, well, '11 just come in and sit by the fire till they come in." "Ye needna bother, the fire's oot tae." Two lawyers wrangled before an American judge. One of the disputant*, /osing control over his . emotions, exclaimed, "Sir, you are the biggest fool that I have ever had the misfortune to set eyes on." "Order! Order!" exclaimed the judge. "You seem to forget that 1 am in the room." An old lady, born and reared in Australia, had reached her eightieth birthday. Unexpectedly she received a largo sum of money, and there was much excitement among her friends. "W2II, Mrs. Smith," said one of them, "I suppose you will be hiking a trip to England now?" "What!" replied the old lady in great indignation. "The country where the convicts come from!" A Yorkshireman who kept homing pigeons boasted that one of them could find his way home from anywhere. A friend b*t him £20 that the bird would not return from London. The bet was taken, and the bird was sent to King's Cross Station to be released. The man making the bet arranged for the bird's : wings to be clipped before it was liberated. At the ei.d of the week it had not returned. "You wait," said the ■ owner confidently, "he'll be back all ] reet." At the end of a fortnight the ' friend claimed that lie had won the bet. "He'll come home from anywhere," 1 insisted the proud owner. After three weeks the friend went to claim the £20. "Tha'll get nowt —tha's lost," said the r Yorkshireman. "He eoom last neet, but, by gum, his feet were sore!" r

cAnecdotes and' Stories ;; ~

' NEW CHAMPION. Prize-fighter (to- schoolmaster)• y„„ gave my boy a thrashing, I 'ear? Schoolmaster (nervously): Weil yes-er-perhaps, I er—" ' r * Prize-fighter: Giv' us yer 'and, y er » champ. I can't do nuthin' with him, HE EVIDENTLY KNEW. Teacher (sharply): Johnnie, you mngt bring a written excuse for bein* nhsZl yesterday, from the head of ronr family! juur Johnnie: She's away on a fortnight', holiday at Blackpool" ma'am; shall I bring one from my father? BE PREPARED. Scout Bate: What on earth have ran woke us up at this time for? It'«. /ill. half-past three! only Camp Cook: Well, I've heard that & thunderstorm turns milk, and as there j« one on now I thought we might as well have our breakfast while the milk i« fresh! a i NASTY. Young Golfer: Please get a move on. Try to be quicker if you won't let m through. Elderly Golfer: Young man, we don't want advice from you; we were playinz this game before you were born! Young Golfer: I'm not surprised; hut please try and finish it before I'm old enough to die! BAD SHOOTING. Hubby: I read in the paper that they gave the new President of that South -American Republic the customary salute of 21 guns. "Really?" the wife replied. "Yes, but this time the whole affair was a failure," went on hubbv, "Why was that?" she asked". "They missed him," he replied.

THE THOUGHTFUL BATMAN. Officer (of territorials in camp): Didn't I tell von to wake me at six? And now it is half-past. Batman: Beg pardon, captain; when I canio to your tent at 6 o'clock to wako you up, you called out in your sleep "Waiter, another bottle of champagne!" So I thought what a pity it would be to wake you up before you had finished the bottle. HOW ANNOYING. The two women were having a trip on a liner for the first time. The boat remained for an hour or two in a harbour, and one of the women asked a seaman the reason. '•'Oh, they're just doin' something to one of the screws," was the reply. '"Dear me!" exclaimed the woman. "Fancy a little thing like that holding up a huge liner like this!" ASKED FOR IT. The waitress who had taken the man's order some time ago now returned to his table deep in meditation. "Ah," said the customer brightly, "a penny for your thoughts, young lady. The girl raised a pair "of inquiring eves. "Well, sir," she said, "we are very busy to-day, and I was just wondering whether you were a stewed rabbit or a boiled fowl." FEMININE TOUCH. The sales manager's wife had called at tho. office to be told he was in conference. "Were you terribly bored while waiting for me, dear?" he asked, when he returned. "Xo, darling," she replied. "I amused myself with those ducky little coloured pins in that map on the wall. I changed them around, and made them look much prettier."

THE REASON. A Scot appeared in an English polic# Court, his head swathed in bandages. Ail Irishman, charged with assaulting him with a kettle, pointed to 'the injured party, and said, scornfully: "Those bandages are all show. He was walking about without them yesterday." "Is that true?" asked the magistrate. "Yes," replied the Shot. "I wanted £0 keep them clean for to-day." 1 HIS ANNUAL ABLUTION. A couple of workmates were disporting theniselves in the briny on the occasion of their annual factory excursion. ' "Goodness gracious," said Bill, during an interval in the proceedings, "how black yer bin, Jack. Why, from yer neck down'rds ye're the colour of Joe Louis or Gliandi." Jack threw a. reproachful look at his work-chum. "Well," he replied, "tha know'st well enough I didn't come with the trip last year." THE NERVE TONIC. The chemist had left his counter ill charge of a youthful assistant. This young man, being of a highly ingenious turn of mind, it was not without some inward trepidation that the chemist learned upon his return that the assistant had been confronted in the interval with the case of a man who had failed to get the better of an argument with a steam roller. "What 011 eartli did you do?" gasped the chemist. "Gave him nerve tonic," was the reply. "Nerve tonic? Why that, in the nam# of goodness ?" "Run down mid depressed," was the replv.