RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LXVII, Issue 235, 3 October 1936, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

(By " ZAMIEL.")

f Quite a number of medical people claim to cure sciatica. Wliat a nerve! Women are fighting in Palestine. "The skirts of happy chance," as the poet said. "What Mr. Savage did not say." Sh-h-h! Every word is in the dictionary. i Headline: "Ship Grounds on Bar," and many a good sailorman lias foundered on the same. Vital changes are taking place in the footwear trade, and all hands are on their toes. More headline: "Bookies Raided." Might I ask as from the Bench, what are bookies? I am obliged to you, Horace, for your information that it is not summer yet. Have your own way! I say, you know, this excess of conferences of all sorts of swells won't do. Have we no Parliament? ! A scientist threatens that soon speech will be visible—and coloured. Oh, Death, where is thy sting?

Mr. J. A. Leo has three or four . millions to spend. Ambiguously, "Jack" , is bound to make Lee way. New Zealand is at present so crammed full of celebrities that I refrain from speaking of myself this week. Excuse me joking on it. Subject of "Ties of Empire." I'd like one with white spots on a navy blue silk ground. . I A correspondent says he heard a political gentleman say he hated talking about himself. These deathly silences! Recent prospecting at Thames has not been profitable. Burglars who panned off a couple of cash registers found few colours. The tront fishing season opened on Wednesday. Musical honours accompanied it and the chorus of lyres was most enjoyed. A returned traveller says French people eat strawberries soaked in wine— and rum. And I hear an old soldier chuckle, "That's the spirit!" My railway investigating officer informs me that I shall be able to go from Auckland to Wellington in a rail car in nine hours. But why? I learn that trout streams are to he restocked. Some plebian wretch who suggested stocking fish shops, too, with trout, deserved the contempt he got. Larger facilities are now available in Spain for .cheaper and more rapid divorce. Among the facilities tha dagger, the rifle and the pistol are included. Did you read about the man who swallowed an enormous number of hard things, including his latch key? Heavens, that man would swallow a party platform!

That was a very nice display of native flowers in the Museum, don't you think? .Among the loveliest buds there, however. I thought that a number of Auckland girls should have had prizes. I know a man who, when he has a shilling's worth of pennies, spends a hilarious hour or two pushing them into automatic weighing machines, striking an average, and finding out how heavy he is. A Colorado lady seeks separation from her husband on the flimsy ground that he keeps 20 young alligators iij the bath. These downtrodden American men seem to be barred from many innocent pleasures. I read these headlines "Fast Train Travel," "113 Miles an Hour" and was about to rush to the Auckland railway station to buy a ticket when I read the third line —"London to Newcastle." Why are we thus deceived ?

Everyone is threatened with a State pension. Is everyone threatened with a retiring age? Are we to lose all our judges, most of our statesmen, many of our politicians' advisers, thousands of executives- and all the Legislative Council ?

BACON FIRST. "New Zealand has been carried away by wool, butterfat and mutton, and has overlooked many other industries which could be developed," said Captain \V. Vazie Simons, formerly of the Royal Air Force, who is visiting , the Dominion, in an interview to-day. He added: "Lord Bledisloe tried to drive into your heads the value of bacon and that £25,000,000 goes to Denmark for bacon every year from England." I love to see the tusky boar Go bolting through the fern, He i<3 the slickest thing on earth Acro&a a big bush burn. He's game, he's quick, a fighter too, Among the fallen logs, My word, he gives a nasty time To all but Al dogs. But here I talk not of the wilds. Nor nny " Captain Cook," But great white baconers, my boy, Hung up upon a hook. I s.ing of Ptyes and matron sows Willi piglets hung about, Of concrete floors ami flowing troughs, And many a questing snout. I chant of curly tails and grunts, Of pigs with hunger achin', Of pige all guzzling, growing fast Their fat and streaky bacon ! I dream of pigs, I love tnem so, They are so very tilling, Oh, how I reverenced the day When father did the killing! Since I was only just so high, With bib around my neck fast, I've eaten goodly strips eneh day Of bacon for my breakfast. Since Caesar cIW his famous stunt.

And won—oil, what a corker ! Britons have craved for pigs galore, From baconer to porker. They crave, they long, they languish for More pork. Oh, let us send It, Breed, mark and learn the plgly game With cows and sheep do blend it. Lord Bletlisloe who knew the game, Beseecheil us go and breed 'ein, Told how the British stomach yearned For pig—and how to feed 'em. Forty-five million cousins' turns! Shall Britain be forsaken? Nay! grow ten million extra pigs And send 'em Home the bacon ! '< Consider that the good old sow Is no mere Wle sitter. She eats a decent feed, I'll own. But brings twelve at a litter! Far be from me to scorn the cow. The sheep or bullock, brother, But I implore you have a thought For every piglet's mother. If to this poet there'« a gift, Pig lovers would be makin', | Pray send him post free for a meal ' Some strips of streaky bacon. I —C.J.