THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXVII, Issue 193, 15 August 1936, Page 8

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.) Delegates to tlie animal meeting of tl Xew Zealand Co-operative Pig Marketin Association in Hamilton on 1 l'iday waxc facetious «t the e: GUINEA PIGS, pense of the legal pn fession when an .opinio was received from a solicitor on portion of the company's articles c association. "What does it really meai Mr. Chairman?" asked a supplier when th secretary had spent some ten minutes i reading the text of the letter. 'Never jnindwe got a lot of words for our money," adde another, to reduce the conference to laughtei —News item. Whatever can the fellow mean By "Brown et Uxor versus Green? That "tenants of defendants' sty May crunch potatoes sine die?" Is greasy bacon lean or fat A "Demonstrandum quod erat?" He writes of circumstances how "In law, a sausage is a sow," And other things that tend to go To introduce the "status quo," A litter plaintiff failed to get Is "nemo dat quod non habet." It seems a lot of fancy talk To waste upon a piece of pork, For we. ignoring legal digs. Agree "in toto" "Pigs is Pigs." —B.C.H. Children are good in more way: than one. Father mentions that at statei intervals he (father) tells the world over tin radio, and that the littli LITTLE fellow is generally in bet PITCHERS, when he tells the world As a treat, the littli fellow was recently permitted to "stay up' to hear the voice of distant dad for the firsi time over the air. The five-year-old, standing before the home machine, listened critically "Yes—that's my daddy," he said. "Pure rub bish—pure tripe!" Daddy himself tells th< yarn, eo although he is six foot something ir his socks, the recorder is safe. One day present alleged encyclopaedia was walking across a busy traffic intersectior when a fine, fruity voice hailed it by name It turned, returned, dodged SWAN SONG, the traffic and waited patiently. "What's the feminine of 'swan'?" the voice demanded :< Cygnet!" retorted the encyclopaedia. "That's wrong—a cygnet is the young." "Yes, I know," said the encyclopaedia"—and went off to find out. Literary research disclosed no feminine for swan. Daily repetition of the juery, "What is the name for a slie-swan?" was resultless, although the query was made to men of piercing intellect, men who had shot ducks and quails, but who had never learnt this simple,- thing at school. Why don't school teachers kriow what to call a slieswan? Why are books of reference silent? Why the dickens does anybody want to know what to call a she-swan? These sleepless [lights! Here and there you will find little groups }f grim men rattling ext?a bawbees in their trouser pockets and grousing at the rise in prices. Three of these A QUICK ONE. lately stood 011 a corner for forty-five minutes dismally debating the rise of three -ha'pence on this, the iniquity of a penny on doormats, the I frightful blow to wages now that silk hankies ire more than they used to be—you know the sort of thing. And when the three had blasted the iniquities of living, the man in the blue tie (one and ninepence) said generally, "What ibout a quick one?" and without a word the triumvirate moved, off in s}o>y,,.time, ; to the 'Open Door," leaned against the furniture— md had one at the expense of the gent who had protested at the penny rise in cabbage (we will say). Having expended the sum of two and threepence during a solo performance in the rising price of flower bulbs, he was nvited to "just one more" by the man who hated the thought of paying a halfpenny more for fire irons (or other edibles), and they ill did. The sum expended by these three protesters at the economical perversity of the aloomin' country now amounted in the aggregate to four and sixpence, and the argument ibout the general iniquity grew till Number Ihiee thought they ought to have a quick j 11c and get out of it. They had a twentyminute quick one, bringing the aggregate to six and nine—and retired perfectly convinced that the price of potatoes is a scandal. He is a peaceful person, plump as a mrtridpe and used to wear a kilt when lie A 7 as with the "Ladies from Hell" in Prance. A niclit or twa ago, ye THE SANDBAGS, ken, there was a kiltish do 011, and he wore them —or tried to. Adjustments had to be made :c covet- the super-growth, and things were ill richt for the niclit. Subsequently he told non-wearer of kilts of the 1916 winter ,vhen the Highland Brigade held a point on ; he Somme. The terrain was a sea of mud,.lie posts isolated, and alleged cover just holes n tlie soggy mire. The High Command deemed t wise to deprive Jock of his kilts and to rive him the trousers of the Sassenach. With he trouser issue were two sandbags per man. Sacli bag was doubled and worn round the ■vaist to compensate in weight and warmth or the nine wards of material in the reirula;ion kilt and which is wound one and a half ;imes round the turn of the kiltie. The troops )f one battalion, appearing to believe that lie sandbag gesture was some kind of joke, nerely did their stuff without them. In three lays the effective strength of a battalion was •educed by fifty per cent, the half being laid ip with colds—and worse. The men had been jrdered three days' rations, including copious supplies of rum. The C.O. battalion was iverse to the use of rum, while the wretched til ties were mooning about in the mud and ?oing sick in crowds. Eighty gallons of perfectly good Jamaica was in a French cellar, guarded bv Scottish bayonets—and longed for by Scottish throats. "War is hell!" says the 'Lady" from that place who tells the story. The eye caught the cabled word Badajoz. [t is an old Spanish city where Spaniards lope to cut the throats of Spaniards. Wellington's eye caught a WELLINGTON'S sight of Badajoz, if you CHOICE. remember, and there was a strange and thrilling result. One day when the Iron Duke had practically done with Iron Duking for a bit he was walking about some English ramparts thinking hard of this and. that when a younosubaltern from the War Office came alon 0 *, saluted with precision, and stood at attention! The Duke took no notice for about fort\\ minutes, because he was thinking, but at , I J e „ obs^7 ed the sub '' s( *>PP e| l and croaked, Well? The young fellow handed him a paper. The Commander-in-Chief found that it was an ordinary Army form in which a blank had been left for the soldier's name. 111 deference to the Duke the authorities had sent it so that he might suggest a sample name for this form as a tniide. The Duke walked up and down for a quarter of an hour 01 so, thinking (it is said) of Badajoz. And dining that walk he recalled the finest soldier he had ever known, the bravest, the most illiterate, the quickest, the smartest, the most memorable. And he came back to the youn" 1 officer took tlie form, an d filled in the "blank i with the name of the right-hand man of a ( grenadier company, and the name was i •Thomas Atkins." oil