In Merrier Mood Anedotes and Stories

Auckland Star, Volume LXVII, Issue 181, 1 August 1936, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood Anedotes and Stories

SMALL RISK.

■ PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. i I For the best Anecdote sent In each week ( • a prize of five shillings is awarded. | J The prize this week goes to H. IHoyle, J ■ 25, Hemi Street, Devonport, N. 1., for t ■ "Small Risk." . J

An Englishman, on a visit to Honolulu. was watching an old native bathing in the sea. "Aren't you afraid of the sharks? lie asked. "Not very," replied the native. "You see, there are so many chances. Maybe there is no shark. Maybe if there is one, he no see me. Maybe his tummy.is full an' lie don't want me. Maybe if he come for me lie miss ine. Me have plenty chances." Reno, they say, now claims to be an important factor in the dairy industiy. That's where the cream of the countiy goes to get separated. "I wonder if my little boy knows how many seconds there are in a minute? 1 "150 you moan a real minute or one of those great big wait-a-minutes?"

Brown: What are the Christian names of that young couple who have come to live next door? Wife: We won't be able to find out for a week or so. They've just been married, and he calls her Birdie and she calls him Pettie. First Tradesman: I find lady customers nowadays are .very hard to please. Second Tradesman: I can't say that. My goods seem to give eminent satisfaction. First Tradesman: What line? Second Tradesman: Mirrors! Postmistress (to worried looking gent.): Is there anything wrong, sir? Gent: Yes! You see, it was on the tip-of my tongue a moment ago, and now it's gone. Postmistress: Well, think hard and it will come back. Gent: Oh, 110 it won't, it was a threehalfpenny stamp.

Attending a week-day missionary meeting, a member who was noted for l>eiii£ tight-listed had no small change, so lie sent a small boy sitting by him with a sixpence for two threepenny pieces to a nearby shop. The boy returned with a parcel and said, "Sorry, sir, but they had got no threepenny pieces, so I've bought four pennies and twopennyworth of chips."

A representative called to collect an overdue account of ten shillings. The woman was very annoyed, as the man had called several times before without success, and she regarded him as a pest. "Look here," she said, "I owe seven others similar amounts; I know I. shall not be able to pay them all, so each week I put the names of my creditors in a hat and pay the first one I draw out. If you keep calling on me with your threats and cheek I shan't put your firm in the raffle at all."

In the smoking compartment the conversation turned on the merits and demerits of ways of preserving health. "Look at me!" said a stout, florid man. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. From twenty to forty I lived an absolutely- regular life—llo effeminate delicacies,' no l.ite hours, no extravagances! Every day, summer and winter, I <vas in bed regularly at nine o clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner—a plain dinner, mark you; after that an hour's exeicisc; then " "Lxcusc me," interrupted the irritated stranger in the corner, "but what were you in for?"'

ANSWERED. Teacher: An abstract noun is something you can think but not touch. Now Johnny, give me an example of an' abstract noun. Johnny: Please, sir, a red-hot poker. A PRESSING CASE. Scotsman: How much to press a pair of trousers? Assistant: One shilling. Scotsman: Then press one leg for saxpence. I'm having my photograph taken side view. SOME JOB. "The thing for you to do," said the doctor to the man with the frazzled nerves, "is to stop thinking about yourself —to bury yourself in your work." "Gosh," returned the patient, "and me a cement mixer!" TOO MOULDY. A mistress sent her new young maid for a pound and a half of Corgonzola cheese. She returned with a very small parcel. "See, ma'am," she said, "I only bought two pennyworth because it looked so mouldy." UNDOUBTEDLY. The teacher had written 02.7 011 the blackboard, and, to show the effect of multiplying by ten, had rubbed out the decimal point. "Now, Alfred," she said, "where is the decimal point?" "On the duster," replied Alfred, without hesitation. rea::sm in art. Little Visitor (pointing to a large oil portrait): Whose picture is that? Little Hostess: She was my momma's great aunt. I never heard much about her, but guess she was a school teacher. Little Visitor: Why? Little Hostess: See how her eyes follow us about. MUCH THE SAME. "Well, George," said a country clergyman to an old man who sat by the wayside breaking stones, "that pile does not seem to get any less."

"No, vicar," replied the old man. "Them stones be like the Ten Commandments —you can go on breakin' 'em, but ye can't be rid of 'em."

A MARVELLOUS DOUBLE. A slightly hilarious guest at a party kis-secl a strange woman by mistake. He apoligised: "Excuse me, but I thought you were my wife!" "You're a nice sort of husband for any woman to have, you clumsy, drunken brute," said the woman angrily. "There," exclaimed the convivial one, triumphantly, "you talk just" like her, too!" A COLLISION. The meaning of the word "collision" was being explained by the teacher of the class of small boys and girls. "A collision," she said, "is when two things come together unexpectedly." Immediately a small boy jumped up and said: "Please, teacher, we've had a collision at our house." "Whatever do you mean ?" "Well, mother's just had twins." MAC WHEN! MacGregor had invited his friend MacPherson to have a drink. "Say when," he said, and poured a wee drop into a glass. MacPherson was silent. Cautiously MacGregor poured out another drop, and there was silence again. "Did ye hear about the fire at the mill ?" said MacGregor suddenly. "When?" said MacPherson, innocently. MacGregor put the bottle down with a sigh of relief. NOT TO HIS LIKING. A holiday-maker on a Continental holiday went into a restaurant , and ordered sausages and steak. "I don't like these sausages," he remarked to the waiter. "Yes. sir, they're horse sausages," replied the latter. A few minutes later tlie diner called the waiter again. "Take that away," he said, pointing to the meat, "i don't care much about eating harness either." A GOOD TRICK. It was a country railway station, and the village was about a mile away. A traveller who was making a call in the village asked if he might leave his 'box there while ho was away. The porter said, "Certainly, sir. But you had better put a label on it." The traveller said that he was afraid that lie had not got one. but after searching for some time in his pocket he produced an old pack of playing cards, and said: "Here, stick this king of hearts on." About an hour later he returned and met the porter, who was grinning and chuckling to himself. The traveller asked him what was the joke, and the porter replied: "Why, sir, just after you'd gone, a. gentleman came along and took an ace of hearts out of his pocket and put it on top of your king, and went elf with vour box."