In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVII, Issue 151, 27 June 1936, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

cAnecdotes and Stories ::

» PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. \ I For the best Anecdote sent in each week , ■ a prize of five shillings is awarded. ■ J Tho prize this week goes to Miss J. t I Woolley, 7, Mountain Road, Mount g J Albert, 5.W.2., for "His Poor Nose." J

HIS POOR NOSE. A man who had had a slight motoring accident, and had sticking plaster on his nose as a result, was called upon to interview the local income-tax inspector. "Had nil accident to your nose?" the latter asked sympathetically, as he entered the room. "No!" said the taxpayer wearily, " but I've been paying through it for so long that it has "given way under the strain." "Xow, Clarke," said the history teacher, "what do you consider the most wonderful thing accomplished by the Romans?" "Learning Latin, sir." "Say, do you know- who invented electric illumination?" "Thomas Edison.' "Xo- —Noah! When ho let the elephants out didn't he make the lirst Ark light?" "And you have had the same servant for two years?" "Yes. She says she doesn't believe in changing after she has gone to tho trouble of teaching a family her ways." "Ma'am, here's a man at (lie door with a parcel for you." - "What is it?" "It's lisli, ma'am, and it's marked 'C.O.D.'" "Then make the man take it straight back to the dealer. I ordered trout." Two men were seated in a crowded tramcar. One, noticing that the other l>ad his eyes closed, said: "Bill, are yer feelin' ill?" "I'm all right," said Bill, "but I do 'ate to see ladies standing."

Little Margery was visiting with her mother a very High church. As she entered the church door she inhaled the atmosphere ecstatically. "Oh, mother," she said, 'Svliat a lovely smell of innocence!" Jerry: I like to hear that professor lecture on chemistry. He brings home to me things that I have never seen before. Tom: That's nothing! So docs the laundry. "I don't know his o<Bupation," the party next door informed the newsgatherer, "but his old woman calls him a pessimist." "Righto!" said the .man of resource, "I'll put him down a wliinomerchant!" Young Author: The art in telling a story consists of knowing what to leave unsaid. Married: It doesn't make any difference, my boy. My experience is that she finds out, anyway. "Pardon me." said the little man, "but are you quite sure it was a marriage license you gave me on March 10?" "Of course it was, sir." he said, "but why do you ask?" "Well. I've led a dog's life ever since, that's all." "Doctor. T was surprised to hear that Mrs. .Tones died from heart disease. I thought you were treating her for pneumonia." "Pure gossip. Mrs. Brown. When I treat a patient for pneumonia, that patient dies of pneumonia." Excitable Invalid: Has the chemist sent that sleeping draught yet? Mary: Xo, ma'am. Excitable Invalid: Then ring him up and ask him if he expects me to keep awake all night waiting for it. He took her hand in his and gazed proudly at the engagement ring he had placed on lior linger only three da vs before. "Did your friends admire it?" lie inquired, tenderly. "They did more than that," she replied. "Two of them recognised it!"

A TALL ORDER. A chemist received this note, scribbled in haste. the other day: "My baby has eat up its father's parish plaster. Send an anecdote quick by the enclosed girl, also send a bottle of O Dick Alone, as I am a bit historical." STRANGERS. The man with the suitcase chased the train to the end of the platform, but failed to catch it. As he slowly walked back, mopping his brow, an interested onlooker volunteered: "Miss the train?" "Oh, not much," was the disarming reply. "You see, I never got to know it very well!" GIVING IT A NAME. The football fan had taken his fiancee to see his favourite team in action. "Dash it," he exclaimed, as he saw how the rain had affected the ground, "there is a big patch of water right in the centre of the pitch." "Yes," said the girl brightly. "I suppose that will be one of those football pools they talk about!" THE EXPLANATION. Parson (visiting prison): And may I ask what brought you to prison, my man? Prisoner: Competition, sir. Parson: Competition? I don't understand you. Prisoner: Yes, sir, competition. I made the same sort of half-crowns as the Government. NOT QUITE WHAT HE MEANT.' An elegantly dressed young man had an unfortunate accident with a newlypainted seat in the park. Crimson with rage, he rushed over to the painter who was at work on another seat. "W-why don't you put "Wet Paint' on your seats?" he shouted angrily. The painter stared at him and said: "Luinme, mate, that's what I'm doing, ain't I?" MAKING IT EASY FOR HIM. A cockney rang up the L.P.T.B. to inquire the fare from his home to Ealing, but the man at the'other end of the line couldn't catch the name of the station. In desperation he asked the inquirer to spell it. The reply came as follows: "E for 'Erbert, A wot the 'orses heat, L w'ere yer goes when ver dies, I wot yer sees wif, X wot lays a heg, Cr (long pause) gee whizz!" SILENCED. For nearly an hour the talkative man had bored his fellow passengers in the railway carriage with accounts of his log Caesar. * "Sir," said t-lie old gentleman, who had been vainly trying to snatch forty winks, "suppose you took Caesar into a shop and bought him a muzzle, and then asked the assistant to put it on for you and he refused, what would you do?" "Why," said the talkative one, "put it on myself!" "Quite so!" was the reply, "and I think all here will agree with me that you would look jolly well with it on." JUST WHAT HE WANTED. ' A Scot arrived in London without having arranged accommodation for the night, and was put up by a friendly Englishman whom he met at the station. Next morning, after breakfast, the host said: "I hope your bed was comfortable? Did you sleep well?" "Aye, like a top," said the Scot. "Did you enjoy your supper last night?" "It was grand." "Was your breakfast to your liking?" "Yes, it was a fine breakfast." "Well-er-liow about ten shillings?" "Mon." beamed the delighted Scot, "it would be a godsend." THE PRECAUTION. Mr. and Mrs. Solemstein were walking homo from the birthday party of their "little nephew. "Abey," protested the woman, "vot do you mean by being so generous all at vonee ? You spent 5/ on this jigsaw puzzle you gave as a present to young Isaac—and then —in front of 'em all — you told the boy that as soon as he had got the puzzle iixed up all right he must show it to you an' you'd buy him another von!" Mr. Solemstein smiled at his wife. "It is kervite all right, Rachel," he said, reassuringly. "it sounded so generous in front of the company, as you say, but—l've got von of the pieces in my pocket."'HE MEANT TO HAVE IT. A cheap-jack was endeavourng to get his audience in a pood humour preparatory to offering his wares. Producing a shilling, he said:* "Now, gentlemen, here is a. chance of a lifetime! What will you bid for this shilling? A real silver shilling put up for auction!" Bids came rapidly till a childish, feeble voice offered elevenpence, then there was a nnuse. "Elevenpence for it!" cried the auctioneer; and no further bid being made he added. "Wry well, it's yours, mv little man. Where's your 'levenpence? "Take it out of the bob and give me the change!" piped the small boy.