In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVII, Issue 139, 13 June 1936, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

5 PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. J \ For the best Anecdote sent in each week J 8 a prize of five shillings is awarded. , J The prize this week goes to P. Horan, I ■ Taniwha Street, Hamiiton, for "A Bad , ■ Debt." ' I ■ B ■ fmmmmmmmmmmm m mm m m m m m m m A BAD DEBT. Mike: Have you paid yer rates, Pat? Pat: No, ail' I'm very glad. I haven't. Mike: How's that? Pat: 1 got a form terday wot says " Final Application," so it looks as if they're givin' it up as a bad job. Farmer: Hey, what are you doing in that apple tree? Boy: Believe me or not, mister, but I've just fallen out of an aeroplane. Plain Citizen: I sec they have named a street after you. You ought to feel proud. Eminent Citizen: I am not so certain of that. It starts from a brewery and ends at a gaol. "How charmingly quiet your children are at meal times," said Sirs. Jones to Mrs. Brown. "Oil, yes," said Mrs. Brown, "they've been taught never to speak with 'their mouths full." "I'm afraid, John, that oitv new maid is not quite honest." "She looks all right, dear, to me, if I judge by appear-n-ees." "That may be so, but judging by disappearances she's all wrong." After his first day at school, a boy was questioned as to what happened. "Nothing much," he said, "except that a lady who didn't know how to spell 'cat' asked me Low, and I told her.'" "Was there any evasion on his part when you asked him for the money?" inquired the manager. "None at all, sir," replied the collcctor. "The evasion was all oh my side. He tried to kick mo out." Two Scotsmen dined together in a restaurant. After dinner the waiter produced the check. The two sat and talked for a couple of hours, and then the conversation failed, and the two Scots sat in silence. At 1 a.m. one of them telephoned to his wife: "Dinna wait up any longer for me. lass," he said, "it looks like a deadlock."

McNab: That woman leads Mackintosh an awful life. McNair: Humph! what else could ye expect? He only courted her for seven years, an' I hold that nae man can understand a woman in that time. Now 1 coorted Maggie Deans for twenty-twa years and then I found oot that I didna much care for iho woman, an' crief all!

A prison governor was noted for his innumerable reforms. He was particularly keen on the sports side of the prison routine. In spite of all reforms, the prisoners were still dissatisfied. One dav he addressed them in the main hall.

"I've given you cinemas, football, and various other entertainments, and still you grouse." he said. "Y\ hat else do you want?" "How about a . cross-country run?" asked a prisoner.

"I want a collar for my husband," said the large woman impatiently. "Fr, ves, madam," quaked the assistant, "what size does he take?" "Size?" she eMioed. "H'ni, I've forgotten that." Then she added: "I think I can find it out soon enough." Quickly she peeled oil' her gloves and held out two large hands. "Here, measure these," she snapped. "I can just manage to get them round his throat!"

At a village school in Norfolk a precocious boy was asked to parse the sentence, "Mary, milk the cow." He proceeded well until he reached the last word, when ho said: "Cow is a pronoun, feminine gender, third person, singular, and stands for Mary." "Stands for Mary?" asked the master in astonishment. "Yes, sir," responded the urchin, "for if the cow didn't stand for Mary, how could Mary milk the cow?"

Towards tlie end of a tlieatric.il performance one man turned to another and said in a har<=h, grating voice: Look here, you have sat on my silk hat. It is ruined. The other looked at the silk liat. It was, indeed, a wreck. "I am sorry," he said. "This is too bad; but." he added, "it might have been worse." "How might it have been worse?" exclaimed the first man angrily. "I might have sat on my own hat," was the unfeeling reply.

cAnecdotes and Stories ::

INFECTIOUS. The lecturer was addressing the students on epidemics. Suddenly ho pounced on a slumbering youth, on the back row. "Now Jakes," he said, "name something that spreads." "Jam, sir!" was the sleeyy retort. THE TURNING POINT. Squire to villager: So you're married, Tom ? ■ Tom: "WeTl, zur, I tnk a fancy to rttg 'cause of 'er looks; 'er's pnrty When I heerd she was doin' steady washin' for seven families, then and (.here I surrendered, zur. HE KNEW ALREADY. The building contractor on his rotato found a gang of men digging frantically in a trench near a new house. He wtfted up to one of the men. "Does the foreman know that this trench has fallen in 1" "Not yet, sir," replied the man, "We're just digging him out to tell hi m , sir." CONSOLATION. Jones returned empty-handed from a fishing excursion, and his wife said to him in some surprise: "Didn't you catch any fish at all, George?" "Oh, yes," he replied, "I eaught twenty-five fine large trout, but they were stolen from me in the train." "Well, never mind," said his wife; "you've brought home a brand-new fishing story, anyhow." REAL MEAN. Mullins: One of the meanest men I ever knew was named Skinntrm. He smoked his cigars to the last half inch, chewed the stumps and used the ashes for snuff. Then ho wasn't satisfied, and gave up smoking. Bullius: What for? Mullins: He couldn't think of any way of utilising the smoke. HARD LINES. 1 Hubby was busy shaving in the bathroom when a loud rap came on the front door. "Who's that?" he shouted to his wife. "Oh, it's that instalment man again," she replied. "I'll be down in a minute. Tell him to take a chair," said hubby. "I did," roared the wife, "but it's the piano he's after this time." HANDICAPPED. Because he had lost his job on the farr.i, and he couldn't get another, an' Irish agricultural labourer trudged to the nearest town and applied at a big works. "I can find you a job all right," said the head foreman, "but you'll have to work in a night shift." "That's hard luck," said Paddy. "Oi only have a pair of pyjamas." MARKING HIS PLACE. The old gent standing in the long queue outside the picture palace felt someone touch his back from behind. Turning sharply round he saw a youth about to leave the queue. "I'm only going to pop over the road," said the young one. "I want some cigarettes." "That doesn't interest me," said the old gentleman. "I know," replied the youth. "But I thought I might, forget my place, so I've put a chalk mark on your back." TRUE TO HIS "RACE." At a race meeting a Jewish sportsman had won a bet on a five to one chance. When the man with the satchel handed him six five-pound notes, representing his stake and winnings, the recipient blocked the line by stopping till he counted the money and examined every note carefully. "What's the matter?" asked the bookie resentfully. " 'Fraid I'd cheat you ?" "No," replied the other, still scrutinising the notes. "I only vanted to make sure the von I gave you vasn't among 'em." ALL THE SAME. A football captain, finding himself unable to get together a team to fulfil an engagement with a club in a town live miles away, wired to that effect to the secretary of the opposing team. "Can't let you off," was the telegraphed answer. "Crowd waiting already." The captain made another effort to get his men together, but without success, and was once more obliged to wire his inability to fulfil the engagement. The answer to the second saie made the embarrassed captain very angry: M "If you can't come yourselves, 11 ran, "please send your jerseys. We can pick a team from the navvies working here on the railway, and the peopls won't know the difference." MILITARY HONOURS. Two little Scottish children were boasting about their respective soldier fathers. "My father's a soger," said one little girl. "My father's a soger, tae," retorted the other. "Ay, but my father's a brave man, a terrible brave man," persisted the other; "he's been in a war an' lie's got medals, a terrible lot o' medals; and he's got the Victory Cross, an' the King fastened it on wi' his ain ban' ! " "But my father's a braverer man than yours," said the other, sticking i'P valiantly for the honour of the family, "an' he's been in a lot of wars, an' lies got dizzens and dizzens o' medals an Victory Crosses, an' lie's got a wuddcu leg 'at the King nailed oil wi' his ain ban' ! "