RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LXVII, Issue 21, 25 January 1936, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

(By ZAMIEL.) Debt collecting is not a profession, it is a pursuit. A girl is known by the company she keeps—waiting. ? Money may talk all languages, but it never gives itself away. r A sea captain reports just missing an Iceberg. Those cheap firearms! t Headline "Crane Off the Track." I t fear the bird was no teetotaller. : A man may be called a worm but he : couldn't get a job boring holes in old • furniture. ' The Bookmakers' Association wants a J slogan. Why not "Glad to See You Back?" i | There is no truth in the rumour that \ a nudist colony has decided to go in for beekeeping. Have you heard that at many parties some of" the guests do nothing but sit tight? Anglers are said to be most free from epidemics. This is because many of i them never catch anything. "Curse this wet weather," said the , umbrella mender when he threw up the blind and saw the rain pouring down. A shirt manufacturer advertises that his shirts "laugh at the laundry." Sometimes they come back with their sides split. A football match in England had to be abandoned because no playing area was available. Their complaint was groundless. When a stable boy was caught stealing oats his employer did not hand the lad over to the police but merely gave him the sack. Headline "Cows by Instalments." Rump steak, sirloin, ox tail and so forth by instalment —and the bill —by monthly statements. Sheffield firms desire sample lots of Taranaki ironsand —none better in the world. Those "Sheffield blades" must have their knife into us. I gather from a perusal of State intentions that nobody in New Zealand is to be allowed to starve. This, I tase [ it, includes "the taxpayer." "He must have hit his thumb an ' awful smack," said Dumb Dora when she read that a man at a sports meeting \ had thrown the hammer 200 feet. "The woman who used to wrap men round her little finger has passed," says a novelist. Nowadays she is content to wind them round the radiator of her car. A cat has been operated on for the removal of a two-shilling piece which it swallowed some weeks ago. It isn't often that you find so much in the kitty. Time 2.30 a.m. "Mummy, tell me a story." Mummy: Lie awake for a little while darling. Daddy will be home any time now and tell us both one. A marble bust, broken into eight pieces, dug np recently, is claimed to be the work of a Jacobean sculptor. It sounds more like the work of a domestic help. "And that," lie said as he dumped the little parcel on the table, "is a present for the one I love best in all this world." It was a box of his favourite brand of | cigars. Extract from interview: "Mr. said he was having breakfast when he heard the sip stop." The man at the next table must have finished his coffee. I learn by perusal of local industrial matters that there is such a thing as . "chain slaughtering." I presume that this sometimes ' leads to links of sausages. Dr. F. Scott Mcßride, of U.S.A., predicts the return of prohibition in 10 years. Although Mcßride is a Scott, he has, I am certain, no interest in the distilling business. In America a club has been opened for married men who can prove they are masters in their own homes. So far there has not been an application for membership. In the American Press the Italians win all the morning battles and the Ethiopians all the afternoon affrays. I The readers swap when they want a ; victory or a defeat. j A device has been invented which if 1 placed in a safe will grab the wrist of ' a thief and hold him till assistance 1 arrives. It is a great idea, there's no ( getting away from it. 1 The Nobel peace prize is worth, say, about ten thousand pounds. It will 1 not be awarded this year. Possibly there is not ten thousand pounds' worth of peace in the world. A woiflan whose husband left her twenty-seven years ago has asked the ' courts if she may presume that he is dead. Or at the very least that he is annoyed about something. For a small fee you can find out all about yourself by consulting an astrologer, says an advertisement. For no fee you can arrive home at two in the morning and listen to your wife. i There has been a glut of bananas in Auckland. So pleased are the relatively fruitless people at this- rare benefice that old men have been seen , sliding about for very joy on the pave- j ments. , There may be nothing in it, but burg- , lars recently entered a house in Sydney t and stole a home-made cake. Ten minutes later a jeweller's shop window , was smashed and much jewellery ] grabbed. < Apropos politics the following head- < ]j„ e; —"Major Planks." I presume that i Major Planks has something to do with { the various boards, and trust if I am ( correct that the major may be promoted 1 to colonel. « t The Aga Khan, a weighty Indian j potentate lately gave a donation to i charity of his weight in gold. I .beseech i New Zealand rajalis to desist from 1 c following this method —so many of our j ( wealthy men are by no means corpu- c lent. >