In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVI, Issue 230, 28 September 1935, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

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; PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. ! For the best Anecdote sent in each week ] " Domestic Assets Pooled." > [ ! The prize this week goes to Miss L. Lees, J j c/o C.P.0., Auckland, fop "What She J i Would Do." ! WHAT SHE WOULD DO. Wife: What would you do if you were left a widower? Husband: Oh, the same as you would if you were left a widow, I suppose. Wife: You horrid thing! and you told me you could never care for anyone else! He: Do you really like conceited men better than others ? She: What others? Wife: I mended that bolo in your pocket. Husband: Thanks. How did you know it was there? Barber (whispering to new helper): Here comes a man for a shave. Helper: Let me practise on him. Barber: All right, but Jje careful not to cut yoursexf. Jones: I'm glad to hear your wife is convalescent after x her long illness. Brown: Thanks. She has been ordered to the seaside, and they are now having a consultation. "Of doctors?" "No, dressmakers." "Do you think Bacon wrote Shakespeare's plays?" asked the theorist. "I don't care who wrote 'em," answered the manager, a little shortly, "so long as he isn't putting in any claims for royalties." . Garge: What do yew say yew giv' yar cow when she's sick? Giles: Terpentine. "Ah!" A week later. Garge: What did yew giv' yar old cow. Giles: Turpentine. "All! Thar's a rum 'un. I guv mine terpentine an' it died on Tuesday." "So did mine. Ah!"

Little Girl: Mrs. Brown, ma wants to know if she could borrow a dozen eggs. Sho wants to put 'em under a hen.

Neighbour: So you've got a lien sitting, have you ? I didn't know you kept hens.

"Xo. we don't; but Mrs. Smith's going to lend lis a lien that's going to sit, an' ma thought if you'd lend us some eggs we'd find the nest ourselves."

"My boy," said the magnate to his son, "two things are necessary if you are to succeed in business—honesty and sagacity." "What is honesty?" "Always —no matter what happens or ho>v adversely it may affect you —always keep your word once you have given it." "And sagacity?" "Xever give it."

"I strongly object to the custom of christening ships with wine," said the temperance advocate warmly. "I most certainly don't," ' said his friend, with equal warmth. "Why, man, there's a temperance lesson in it!" "I fail to seo what you mean," said the first. "It's simple," said his friend. "After the first taste of wine the ship takes to water and stic-ks to it."

Spiker, the grocer, was quickly becoming exasperated with his very slow-to-leara new assistant. Practically every day he had to reprimand him for failing to do something. "Did you order the eggs while I was out yesterday?" ha asked his assistant one morning. "Yes. sir," said the youth. "How many did you order?" lie next asked. "Enough to Inst six months." \

TAKEN AT HIS WORD. Judge: The next person who inW rupts the proceedings will be sent hn™» Prisoner: Hooray. e ' TOO FLATTERING!, Hobo: Could you help a poor man who has just come out of prison? Old Lady: You should be ashamed u own it. w Hobo: I didn't own it, mum T - only a lodger. ' TOO BAD. "Nowadays one can't trust anybody-, the grocer gave we a bad shilling this morning." "Let me sec it!" ."I can't. I paid the milkman with LEADING HIM" ON. A maid taking her mistress' dog f or an airing passed a milkman, who apparently knew her and who called after her, "Can I come along, too?" Without any hesitation she replied "you could, but I've only got one lead." FINANCIER-TO-BE. Teacher: Why have you written the word bank in the middle of a sentence with a capital B? Tommy: Because dad said a bank was no good unless it had a large capital TIPPED. "Doesn't this boat tip a great dealt" asked a timid young woman of the steward. "The vessel, ma'am," said the steward "is trying to set a good example to the passengers." SHE MISUNDERSTOOD HIM. A cavalry subaltern was dancing with a haughty and statuesque young lady and not making a very good job of it Presently ho said, "I'm afraid I'm not dancing well. As a matter of fact I'm a little stiff from polo." The lady answered icily, "It's a matter of indifference to me where you were born." IN BLACK AND WHITE. A lady at an American station asked a negro porter the time of a train to New York, and a minute or two later lie overheard her ask a white man the same question. "Perhaps she'll believe it, boss," the negro remarked, when the lady had gone "now that she has it in "black and white!"

A LOW DOWN TRICK. Tom met his pal Bill, who was home 011 leave. "Coming to the pictures?" ha asked. Bill: No: pictures have done enough for me! Tom: Why, how's that? Bill: Well, after seeing Jack Hulbert in 'Jack's the Boy' I joined the Navy in order to see the world, and they put me on a submarine. A PAT REJOINDER. Pat appeared before the magistrate on a charge of assault and battery. The magistrate asked Pat what induced him to administer such a. terrible beating to the man. "Shure, sir," said Pat, "suppose a man called you a dirty Irish scallywag— what would you do?" The magistrate smiled. "But I'm not Irish," he replied. "Well, yer Honor," said Pat, "suppose be called yer the kind of dirty scallywag that ye are ?" THE NEXT BEST. An Englishman was showing a visitor from the States round the country. During the tour they pulled up at an ancient village inn. "What will you have?" asked the Englishman. "Say, that's good of you," said the American. "I'll have a whisky-and-giii pep with a raisin in it." "Sorry," replied the Englishman, "but the nearest thing to that you can get in here is just plain beer with a beetle in it." BOUND TO KNOW. A clergyman who was passing a railway goods yard was shocked to hear a siring of abuse coming from the other side of a cattle truck. On investigating he saw two porters endeavouring to force a mule inside the truck. The mule, however, was determined not to enter without a struggle. "Ah, my good follows," said the clergyman relenting, "I see you arc having a hard task. Can I be of any assistance?' "Ay," said one of the porters, wiping his perspiring brow. "Being a parson, p'r'aps you can tell us 'o\v Noah managed to get' two of these blinking mules into the Ark?"