RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LXVI, Issue 170, 20 July 1935, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

(By ZAMIEL.)

Headline: "Tennis in Holland." In ??lk and flannel, too.

Houses are in short supply. More boards needed!

Golf lias become popular in Russia and Ivan Foreski is taking great steppes

The world's oldest surgeon (103) has died in France. Cut off. .

Headline: "Public Works." So it does—so it does. What would the Guvmint do if it didn't?

Such a lot of laml's are getting born before the usual season. It is a cutthroat policy!

The need of a chest hospital for Auckland is acknowledged. The Treasury has a chest that might be seen to, too.

The first whitebait of the season was caught early this week. The man who caught it is exhausted, but triumphant.

The preparatory work for the ornamental gates at the Domain is in hand. Sporting authorities agree that any "gate" should be ornamented with gold.

There is change in the relief work system in Christchurcli. It is even mentioned that the change on pay days isn't great enough.

It is fashionable for American tourists visiting London to visit the British Mint. They like to see the place where their money is made.

In a recent football match two balls were in play. But I have ascertained that every player on the field was strictly sober.

Stated that a bus traveller has not in two years been able to obtain a seat. It is understood he will not stand for a seat at the next elections.

It is announced (in U.S.A.) that a three-legged pig has been born. At present, however, lie is too young to drive a car.

I learn on unreliable authority that the temperature of the patient who swallowed a clinical thermometer is down. Railway engines are to be cleaned with a high-pressure hose. This supersedes the method of rubbing them with an old sock.

It is pointed out; that a bookmaker may be lined £.~>oo. But how can the poor, dear chap find £500 if he's barred from getting it out of the punter?

Italy justifies its intended war on Abyssinia because "it is a barbarous land." These Christian methods of curing barbarism! Say it with dynamite! ■»

It is understood that if Mr. Greenspan, the American prophet of earthquakes, had been able to find New Zealand on the map, he would have ordered an earthquake for us too.

Mentioned in relation to Mussolini's recently advertised war that the Abvssinians are preparing poisoned barbed wire. And yet it is pretended that Abvssinians are not civilised!

Mr. J. H. Thomas, Secretary of State for the Dominions, was once a railway man. It seems regrettable that he has recently been criticised for his platform manners.

Mentioned in an English paper that, Mussolini's family are the only Italians lie can't dictate to. And many a minor Mussolini has only a typiste to dictate to.

Sir George Paish, the economist, foresees unutterable smash, depreciation, ruin and financial exhaustion. As Sir George is 7S years of age the subject need not be pursued.

The owner of a New South Wales Jersey cow claims for her the largest milk yield on earth. I will not be responsible for any war between this Dominion and that State for reiterating the dreadful claim.

During the recent Aldershot manoeuvres with mechanised war gear, the po,wer of modern arms was exemplified. The power of modern legs, too! Twenty battalions of just plain Tommy footsloggers!

In September the largest number of visiting doctors New Zealand has yet to see will be here on their way to Melbourne. I suggest the temporary cessation of the apple trade. We must not keep them away.

It is explained that the planting of chestnut trees in Auckland is undesirable, as boys would destroy them for the nuts. There are thousands of very aged chestnut trees living in Great Britain. Different breed of boys?

THE GAUNTLET'S DOWN

An appreciable number of duels have been fought lately in various countries. This relatively harmless pastime has not been marred by fatality.

When your l>lco<l is on the boil, pray desist From the use oC fisticuffs —110 plebian list! Do not sue your hated foe Or to the Police Court go.

Call him out! Call him names in deadly dudgeon Fight the blighter with a bludgeon, Oil, the lout'.

When you're peevish with a person's politics, Challenge him to fight it out with singlesticks, Invite him down to Napier To partake with pointed rapier In n duel. Play liis point in carte or tierce.. Try his midriff thus to pierce (That's the rule). When you're challenged to a conflict, choose vour tools. (The challenged is selector by the rules), Choose stilettos, automatics, Gelignite (in sticks or packets). Rotten rhyme ! Scrabola. broadsword, claymore, Satisfaction ? Yes, and —nay more, Corker time! When your dratted next door neighbour, Devastates your careful labour, When his cockerels go a-rooting, As your cabbages are shooting, Aunt o' mine! Call him forth with sharpened sabre. This unpleasant ruddy neighbour. Split his chine! By my halidome—and naitliless. No blighter shall go scathless, Who impugns my giant marrows, Or my feats with large wheelbarrows. 'In my rage I will poke him in the brisket, Will- lie sue me? Well I'll risk it. Hah ! En —gage! Let us then be up and doing, These ancient acts pursuing, I.et us duel with mere, halbred, arrow, bow, (Sling, arquebus or catapult you know), Whip or quirt. Rut be sure flint in this duelling. That the whole dash thing is fooling, No one hurt! —'C. J •