In Merrier Mood Anecdotes and Stories

Auckland Star, Volume LXVI, Issue 122, 25 May 1935, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood Anecdotes and Stories

i PRIZE'FOR BEST STORY. ! ; For the best Anecdote sent in each week I ; a prize of Five Shillings is awarded. ■ I The prize this week goes to Mr. P. ■ I W. Bond, 470, Dominion Road, Mount i ! Eden, Auckland, 5.2., for "Just . ! Moving." !

JUST MOVING. As the old Ford was chugging along a country road, a now ear streaked past. The speed merchant drew up in a village some distance on, and. several hours later, was surprised to see the Ford stop by his car, and the driver get out, swathed in bandages. "Had an accident?" asked the new car driver. "Yes, and I may as well tell you that you were the cause of it," groaned the Ford driver. "Me! Why?" " You went past me in your car so fast, that I thought my oid wreck hod stopped, and I got out." Dobson: What kind of golf does Grabber play? Hobson: Worst I ever listened to. Teacher: What ia meant by Hobson's choice ? Bright Pupil: Mrs. Hobson, sir. Maid: I can't break this coal, ma'am; what shall I do . Mistress. Try to imagine it's a bit of the best dinner service. Harris: «J3o you play cards for money, old man ? Gregory: !N T o, but I play with chaps who do. Woman (in crowded train, to her friend): I wish that good-looking man would give me his seat. Five men rose. Downstairs : Didn't you hear me pounding on the ceiling? Upstairs: Oh, that's all right. We were making a lot of noiee ourselves. Old Lady: That parrot I bought yesterday uses most violent language. Dealer: Lady, I don't deny that he does swear a' bit, but you must be thankful he doesn't drink or gamble.

Brown: I'm buying my wife a washing machine for a birthday present. Jones: That will be a surprise for her. Brown: Yes, she's expecting a new car. "Why didn't you put my luggage in ae I asked you?" angrily demanded a passenger of a porter as his train was moving off. "I did," shouted back the porter j "yer luggage has more sense than yerse'lf. Ye're in t , wrong train." "What would your wife say if you bought a new car?" "Lcol: i ■■"■ for that traffic light! Be careful now! Don't hit that van! Why don't you \ .-.toll where you're going? Will you never learn? And a lot more like that." An old lady, in London for the first timo in her life, saw on the front of a high building a glaring sign, which read: The Smith Manufacturing Co. "Lawks, a mercy," she remarked to her nephew, "I've heard of Smiths all my life, but I never knew where they made 'em." "Well, fanner." said a man of law, as ho looked quizzically at the former's enormous bulk, "if I'd a pig as fat aft you I'd kill him to-morrow." Quick as a Hash came the retort: Well, Mister Lawyer, if I'd a dog as big a thief as then I wouldn't wait till to-morrow; I'd bang him to-day."

A Welshman possessed a fine bass voice, in which lie took an honest pride. Meeting a friend, lie confided that he had had a remarkable dream. "Dreamt I was in 'caven," he said. "Oh, but it w v as fine! There were such a choir as you've never seen. Five thousand euperannoes, five thousand altos, five thousand tenors —all singin' at once double forte. Oh, magnificent! But all of a sudden the conductor stopped the lot—like that he did; and lie said to me, 'Not quite so loud in the bass, John Jones!'"

ONE ENOUGH. Showman: Walk up! Pantomime just about to commence. This way for "The Forty Thieves." Front scat, sir? Thank you. George, show the gentleman in. Gentleman (counting change): You needn't trouble. I don't want to see tho other thirty-nine. ALSO RAN. The old lady was rather bewildered at tho fashionable wedding. "Are you tho groom?" she asked a cheerful-looking young man. "Xo, madam," the young man replied. "I was eliminated in the preliminary rounds." THE PESSIMIST. The Brigadier: Xow, Captain SmithJones, suppose you found your company completely cut oft" from the rest of the battalion —inaccessible mountains around you, a raging torrent before you, hopelessly outnumbered and entirely eurrounded by the enemy. Wlmt would you do? Captain Smith-Jones: By jove, eir! You arc a pessimist!" ONE BETTER. "In America," said the Yankee boastfully, "we have a seed that sown in the morning becomes a full-grown plant at the end of the day." "That's nothing," replied the Englishman. "Wo lutva one in England that comes up so quickly ne soon as you plant it in the ground that you have to jump clear to avoid it." HANDICAPPED. Because he had lost hie job on tho farm and he couldn't get another, an Irish agricultural labourer trudged to tho nearest town and applied at a big works. "I can find you a job all right," 6aid the head foreman, "but you'll have to work in a night shift." "That's hard luck," said Paddy. "Oi only have a pair oL.pyjatn.ae." MISUNDERSTOOD. The cavalry subaltern was dancing with a haughty and statuesque young woman, and not making a very good job of it. Presently he said: I'm afraid I'm not dancing well this evening. As a matter of fact, I'm a little stiff from polo. And the young woman answered icily: It's a matter of indifference to me where you were born! LOOKING AFTER HER COMFORT. . Mrs. Wickwire (examining her birthday present from her husband): And what in the world is this, dear? Mr. Wickwire: That is an arm-rest, dear. It is for you to hang on the fence when you are talking to the woman next door. I was afraid tho eharp edge of tho fence ( must hurt your arm after you had been'hanging 1 on it for half an hour or so. WHY THEY BURNED. The teacher asked a class of girls to write an essay on King Alfred, and ehe said: "I don't want anything about the cokes." The following was one bright little girl's effort to avoid the cake incident: "King Alfred was a very great and good king. He did a great deal for England. Olio day he was out walking and-got lost, but at last he came to a woodcutter's cottage. Tlie husband was out, but the wife was. at home; but' tho least said about this incident the better." DIFFICULT DECISION. The young man seated in the dentist's chair wore a marvellous striped shirt and an even more wonderful checked suit and a vivid red tic. Ho also wore tho vacant stare that so often goee with both. The dentist looked at him hopelessly, and turned to his oesistant. "I'm afraid to give him gas," he murmured. "Why?" asked the assistant. "Well." said the dentist, "how shall I know when he's unconscious ?" THE THOUGHT READER. After an immense amount of trouble (he vicar of a country parish succeeded in reconciling two old women who had been quarrelling for years. He even induced them to meet under the vicarage roof. In his drawing room they shook hands. After an embarrassed silence one of them said: "Well. Mrs. Tyler. I wish yon all you wish me!" "An , who's saying nasty things now? snapped Mrs. Tyler. SOON DONE. An invitation to dinner had been sent to the new doctor. In reply, the hostess received an absolutely illegible letter. "I must know if he accepts or rejects,' she declared. "If I were you." sucrirested the husband. "I should tflke it to the chemist. Chemists can always read doctors letters, however badly written." The chemist looked at the sheet of notepaper which she had handed him, and, without waiting for her explanation, went into his dispensary nnd returned a. few minutes later with a bottle, which he handed over tho counter. "There you are, madam," he said, "that will bo 3/6."