In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVI, Issue 70, 23 March 1935, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

I PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. ; '< For the best Anecdote sent in each week ; ; a prize of Five Shillings is awarded. ; ■ The prize this week ooes to Mrs. V. ; I K. Otto, c/o Mr. B. Walls, Panama ; • Road, Otahuhu, for "A Double Disaster." ; A DOUBLE DISASTER. '■' Well, Pat, how are ye these days ? " " Bad, mighty bad, sure; 'tis starvation staring me in th' face! " "Begorra! It can't be very pleasant for either of yez! " A BIT OF IRISH. A. labourer who was helping to build a house shouted to his mate: "Don t come down the ladder, Mike, I've taken it away." _ Mike: Well, put it back quickly then, I'm half-way down! BEYOND HER. A rather stout school mistress was instructing her young pupils about birds and their habits. "Xow," she said, "at home I have a canary, and it can do something which I cannot do. I wonder if any of you know just what that thing is?" Little Eric quickly jumped up. "I know, teacher," he said. "Take a bath in a saucer." TOMMY'S GOOD SHOT. The teacher had tried hard to instil wisdom into the minds of her young scholars, and now came the time to test the results of her endeavours. "Can any boy tell me what a dogma is?" she asked.

"Yes, teacher," answered little Tommy Jones, rising from his seat in the back row, "a dogma is a mother of pups."

SOUNDS LIKE A HINT. Departing Guest: You're got a pretty place here, but it looks a bit bare yet. Host: Oh, it's because the trees are rather young; I hope they'll have grown to a, good size before you come again. LESS STRAIN. The manager of the office sat up in wonderment. From the telephone box in the corridor just outside his room came the sound of a female voice practically screaming a lot of words in 'piercingly loud tones. "Whatever is that going on?" asked the manager of the office boy. "Oh, sir," replied the boy, "that's the new girl talking to Bristol branch (this was from London)." "Wcli/ , Paid the manager, "go and tell her to i; e the telephone." WRONG REGIMENT. Pat bought ill his own food, and when he had finished his meals he always stamped his butter, clieeee, and bread with a button off a soldier's tunic. This he did in case his. landlady started to help herself to his food. On© evening Pat noticed that his butter looked much smaller than it did in the morning, and mentioned it to the landlady. "Well, don't blame me," said the lady, indignantly, "there's your button mark on it. yet." "Yes, that's all right," retorted Pat, "but my button'* a Gordon Highlander, and that one's a Lancer!"

cAnecdotes and Stories z

"How did George break his leg!" "Well, do you see those steps over there?" "Yes." "Well, George didn't." She: Is there any difference 'between a fort and a< fortress ? He: I should imagine that a fortress would be-^-er.— harder to silence I Motoring instructor (to lady about to take lessons): Have you any knowledge of motors 7 Pupil: Oh, yea! I—er— always drive my own vacuum cleanerl She: I know there's something that I've forgotten to buy. He: That's jnst what I thought. She: Why did you think so? He: Because you have some money left. "I'm sorry." said an old who was a lfEtle hard of hearing. "1 didn't quite catch what you said." "I said my name is Rutt—R-TJ-T-T." "Oh, no. Not strictly. I take a drop now and again." Customer: Why doesn't that spinster, Miss Brown, deal at your shop anymore? Draper: One of my assistants insulted her. Customer: How? Draper: She overheard him telling someone that she was our oldest customer. Judge: What Iβ your name, your occupation, and what are you charged with? Prisoner: My name is Sparks, I am an electrician, and I am charged with battery. Judge: Officer, put the prisoner in a dry cell. Hodge (entering a sixteenth-floor office of a skyscraper, perspiring and panting) : Well, them stairs must be "several miles long. Occupant of office: Why didn't you come up in one of the lifts? "Not me. I jes' see one of 'em full of people- fall down that hole there." A judge's little daughter, who had attended her father's court for the first time, told her mother: "Papa made a speech, and several other men made speeches to 12 men who sat altogether, and then these 12 men were put in a dark room to be developed." ''What are you doing with those snowballs?" asked the old gentleman, suspiciously, to an urchin. "Sellin* 'em three for a penny, and them what can't afford to buy them gets 'em for nuffin'." "Ah, indeed!" said the old gentleman. "I'll buy the entire lot."'

The visitor to the village was talking to the oldest inhabitant. "May I ask how old you are ?" he asked the aged one. "I be just a hundred." "Really? Well, do you suppose you'll see another hundred?" "Well, I don't know; but I be stronger now than when I started on the first hundred." The conversation was on the fashionable topic —dieting. "Yes," said Fellowes. "I've eaten'beef all my life." "Do you think it has done you any good?" she asked. "Good?" he returned confidently. "I feel as strong as an ox." "That's strange," she ventured,. "I've been eating fish for about three months, and I can't swim a stroke." An old Irishwoman appealed to a passing gentleman, "Please sorr, could ye spare a copper for an old woman?" The gentleman, taking pity on her, gavs her a sixpence. "God bless ye, eorr," came the ready reply, "an' may every hair of yer head be a candle to light ye to glory." Taking off his hat and exposing a bald pate," the gentleman dryly remarked, "It won't be much of a torchlight procession, madam." An elderly couple were charged with creating a breach of the. peace in their own home. "How did you come to cause this disturbance at your own fireside?" asked the magistrate. "Well, it was like this," replied the old woman. "John and I were sitting at the fire. John was reading his newspaper, and 1 was' thinking. Then I turned to him and said 'John, sheep are awfu , ' stupid, aren't they?' And John said 'Yes, my lamb.' " « As a country vicar was going the round of his parish he met a well-known character who was called "Old Giles." "Hullo, Giles," said the vicar, "I hear you have left Farmer Oldacre. How was that?" "Well, passon," eaid Giles, "it is like this. Two months ago the pig died, and we lived on him for three weeks, then after that the cow died and we lived on her for a month, .then last week the master's mother-in-law died, so I thought it best to clear out."