In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVI, Issue 58, 9 March 1935, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

I PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. ; ' Fop the beet Anecdote sent in each week ; ■ a prize of Five Shillings is awarded. ; ; The prize this week goes to Dawn \ ■ Peebles, c/o Mrs. T. Gibbons, Gladstone J I Roadj Waihi, for "Active Enough." J ACTIVE ENOUGH. Wife: The doctor said I needed a stimulant and asked to sec my tongue. Husband: Great Scott! I hope he didn't give you a stimulant for that. Ma: You must he patient with him. Bride: I shall be. I know it will take him a long time to see that he can't have his own way. "I like a glass of whisky because it makes me feel contented." "And I like one because it makes me feel like another." Irish Magistrate: The defendant swears he was perfectly sober. Policeman: If he had been sober he would have known ho wae drunk. Mac: Hoo much is a postal order for one and saxpence? Clerk: A penny. Mac: Richt. Give me all you've got. "You say you're poor, yet you sport a gold cigarette-case." "Economy, my dear boy. With a handeome case one can smoke the cheapest cigarettes." School Teacher: Now, Johnny, what is etiquette? Johnny: Please, miss, it'e the noise you mustn't swallow your tea with when you've got company.

Parson: Always speak well of your neighbour. Mrs. Next Door: I do. And* yet I assure you she is one of the most detestable creatures on cartlT. "If you think there's something wrong with your heart, why don't you consult a specialist ?'' "I'm afraid he would say it was something fatal." "Nonsense! He wouldn't; he's an awfully good sort." Hicks: I hope you don't pin you faith to everything Brown says. Wicks: Oh, no; sometimes he is right, and sometimes he is wrong. "How can you tell when he is right?" "Well, I'll tell you. It is a most extraordinary coincidence, but it is a fact, when he is right lie holds the same opinion as I do." After Marjorie and Mary had gone to bed a piercing wail, followed by sobs, was heard from their room upstairs. Mother hurried up. Marjorie (crying) : Mary hit me in the stomach. Mother: Mary, why did you hit Marjorie in the stomach? Mary: Well, mother, you don't think I'm going to get up and turn on the light just to see where to hit her. "Are you still bothered by those relatives of yours who oonie down from town to oat a big Sunday dinner.and never an!:.' you in return?" asked Mrs. .Smith. "No," sail! the unfortunate victim, "thoy finally took the hint." "What did you say to them':' , asked j Mrs. Smith eagerly. * "Nothing was said, but every time they came we provided sponge "cake." Miss Maud Koyden, the preacher, tells a story (retold by Mr. Findler) of a bishop who pronounced "o" as "u": On one occasion lie visited a working girls' club in the East End of London. The weather being cold, he was asked to partake of a cup of coffee. "With pleasure," he replied. "I am fund of hut cuffee." This elicited only a few suppressed giggles. Not so, however, when, proceeding to impress upon the members the necessity for arranging full occupation*for their spare time, he said earnestly: "Above all, girls, try to cultivate a hubby."

Mood

IN THE FASHION, Mouldy Mike (reading paper): I eeo wo shall bo in tho fashion, this summer Daniel! Dismal Daniel: How is that? Mouldy Mike: Why, it says in the paper hero that shoes with yentilated toes will be all the go. HONOURS EVEN. Brown: That Jones who has com* to live next door to me is as good a fish liar as anybody I know. I told him an. awful whopper last night, bat he matched it right away. Smith: How? Brown: Said ho believed ma. THAT'S DIFFERENT. The wife of a email farmer eold her surplus butter to a grocer in * nearby town. On one occasion the grocer said: *Yenr butter was under weight last week." "Now fancy that," said Mrs. Fanner. "Baby mislaid my weight that day, go I used the pound of sugar you sold me." COMPLIMENTARY. The conjuror's turn had not been going at all well, but he stuck doggedly to his task. "Now," he said, "if any lady or gentleman in tho audience will oblige ma with an egg, 1 will proceed to perform a really reTiuurkable trick." There was silence for a moment and, then from tho back of tho hall came a voice: "If anybody 'ere 'ad got a hegg you'd 'avo 'ad it long ago!" IN AN EMERGENCY. "I'm afraid tho doctor's out," said the maid. "Is there anything I can do, or is there any message?" The local charity organiser looked thoughtful. "Well, I don't quite know what to do," she replied. "You see, I've got a gymkhana coming on and I wondered if he could do anything for me. , ' "I should think ho could," replied the maid with a look of concern. "But in any case you wouldn't do any harm to put a bread poultice on it till he comes back." A TALKING POINT. A bird fancier was in the act of releasing carrier pigeons when he was accosted by a man, who remarked: "Excuse me, but how far do your pigeons fly as a rule?" "Oh, thousands of miles sometimes,"' replied the fancier. "And don't any of them get lost?" "Well, I used to lose one now and (lien, but I've done away with that now , . I've had all my pigeons crossed with parrots, .so that if they should lose themselves they can ask their way home." " BUSINESS SLOGAN. The school teacher was giving her class a talk on the sayings of the wise. "Now, here is a very good example of what I mean," she said. "It is more blessed to give than to receive." "Teacher," piped up little Bertie, "my father says he always sticks to that motto in his business." "How noble of him," said the teacher. "I'm sure lie must be a very fine man. By the way, Bertie, what is your father's profession V' "Oli, he's a boxer," replied the boy promptly. HAVING IT ILLUSTRATED. Although it was the festive season, and Buxton, the family butcher, was expecting plenty of orders, he was rather surprised when a slim young woman entered tho shop and asked for 2olb of beef. All the same, he cut off the joint and put it on the scales to be weighed up. "Will you take it with you, or shall 1 send it round to the house?" he inquired, as it came ofT' the scales. The slim young woman blushed prettily. "Oh." she answered. "I didn't want to buy it. You see, the doctor said I had lost 251b, and I wanted to sec what it looked like in a lump." UNDERSTOOD. Giles was a terror to all the small boys around until Tommy Smith took him in hand. "Good mornin', Mister Giles," said Tommy passing tho milking sheds on his way to school. "I seed yerl" "Seed me? What do you mean?" roared the farmer. "I F.'Tcd yer watcrin' t' milk?" said Tommy, passing on. This conversation took place every day, in exactly the same way, until the exasperated farmer complained to the schoolmaster. Tommy was lectured and threatened with punishment if he repeated tho offence. He promised to reform. Next morning he peeped in as usual. "Good mornin', Mister Giles. I say, Mr. Giles." "Well, what is it now?" "I think vo' knows!"