In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVI, Issue 22, 26 January 1935, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

cAnecdotes and Stories ::

; PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. ; ; Fop the best anecdote sent in each week ; ; a prize of Five Shillings is awarded. ; ] The prize this week goes to Miss G. ] ; Wickham, Westmere, R.D., Wanganui, ; ; for " Quite Unnecessary." ! QUITE UNNECESSARY. Mistress (engaging maid) : With regard to your evenings out, I am prepared to be generous and meet you half way. ■ Maid: Thanks mum, but there is no need to do that. My young man will sec me right to the gate. He: Where are all the nice girls this evening. She: Out with the handsome men. "Your girl friend called up and sa.id she wouldn't be able to meet you today." " Well, that's a wait off my mind." Mrs. Higgins: You're very hoarse, dear. Have you got a cold? Mrs. Greave: No. My husband came home very late last night. "Some men thirst after fame, some after love, and some after money." "I | know something they all thirst after." " What's that? " " Salted almonds." "The Jones are moving." "Why, they've only been here a year. People were just beginning to get to know them." " That's why they're going." Swell Guest: Your cook is" a very handsome girl. Shrewd Host: She is. She mashes the potatoes by simply looking at them. Mrs. Deleigh (meeting politician at ■party): I've heard a great deal about you.

Politician (absently): Possibly, but you can't prove it.

"Is J Irs. Brown at home?" asked the visitor, watching Mr. Brown clean the windows. "Of course she's in. Do you think I'd be doing this job on a Saturday afternoon if she was out?"

Father: How arc you getting along at school, my bov? - ,

Boy (triumphantly): Fine Dad. The teacher naid that if all the boys were like me he would shut up the school tomorrow.

She: I understand they fell out the day after they were married?

He: Yes. The newspapers gave a column to their wedding and tliev disputed as to whether it was because of tho prominence of his family or hers.

Littlo Bobby looked puzzled. "What is it?" asked his grandmother. "Well, it's like this," said the boy. " How can a fish grow so quickly after it has been caught?" "Who ever gave " you that idea ? " asked the old lady. "A fish cannot grow after it has been taken from tho water. It dies almost at once." " But Gran," went on Bobby, " how is it that tho fish dad caught yesterday is a pound heavier every time he speaks of it?"

A man from tho country saw a.ll article in a music shop, but could not understand the purpose for which it was used. "What is that thing for?" he asked the shop assistant, indicating the article in question. "That, sir, is a chin rest," said the assistant; '_'it is used quite a lot by lady violinists." The maw from the country gave a cry of joy. "Give me ono of them," lie said. Then, after a pause added: "No, I'll tijke two. We've got the missus' mother stayinjj with us as well."

PROOF. > Mrs. Badpayer: Ah, Mr. Wopser it's tlio old story—the woman always pars." Shopkeeper: Well, if you had a look through my books you'd find that some of 'em don't. TOO CHEAP. Simkin: The mistake I made with tliis watch was to drop it. Watchmaker: I'm very much afraid sir, that with a chcap watch like this the mistake was to pick it up again. LUCKY FELLOW. Fred: My wif© had a dream last night and thought she was married to a. my. lionaire. Tom: You're lucky. My wife thinks that in the daytime. NOT MUCH. A youth about to leave college went to see the head. "I must thank you, sir," he said. I know I owe to you." Head: Pray don't mention such trifles, SHOULD BE THANKFUL. Injured Foreman (to workman who has dropped a hod of bricks): Confound you! One of those bricks hit me on tho head. Workman: My word, you're lucky. Look at all the bricks wot didn't. AGENT'S RETORT. A lady was looking over a house. Bhe was very fussy, and finally became abusive. "That bath," she said, "is in a terrible condition—terrible." "Well," said the agent, "you wouldn't be up to much if you'd had no paint on you for six years." TOO LONG TO WAIT. Mrs. Hodge: How is it you are home so early from the theatre? Hodge": I eamo out after the first act. Mrs. Hodge: Why did you do that— didn't you like tho play?

JTodge: Yes, it was a good show, but I" couldn't wait. The programme said there was an interval of two years between the first and second act.

CLEANING 'EM. They were having a busy day making and boiling the Christmas puddings. "Mary," said the mistress, "just go and sec if that large pudding is cooked. Stick a knife in it and see if it comes out clean." Tn a few minutes Mary returned. "The knife come out wonderfully clean, mum," she said smiling, "so Oi've stuck all the other dirty knives in it." PREPARED. The flapper was carrying a bi;y brownpaper parcel when she was "picked up" by the sheik in his sports car. Yes, she would bo pleased to go for a spin with him. -At a lonely spot along the road the Romeo stopped the car and gave the usual excuse: "I've run out of petrol." "flow lucky of me," replied the modern Juliet, howling him the parcel. "Here's a gallon I bought to wash my frock in." QUICK WORK. A man got a job on the railway, and his first task was at a goods yard running wagons down an incline. There was only a sleeper at the bottom to stop the wagons, and the foreman told him to be careful to keep the brake on. On the third day four wagons went down at a terrific speed, jumped the sleeper and plunged into a canal. The foreman rushed up, furious, hut the man forestalled him. "You needn't come grumbling to me," he said. "I've left." BEST MAN WON. The manager looked dubiously at the small applicant for the job. "Well, I suppose I've got to give it to you," he said at last. "But understand this, you would not have had this position if there had been some more boys here to choose from. Fancy coming after a situation with a filthy collar, two black eyes, and a torn coat." The boy smiled proudly. "That's nothing, guv'nor," he. said. "V'ou should have seen the other three that camc hero after the job." THE TRUE GENTLEMAN.

Three witnesses—a Frenchman, ft Dutchman and an Irishman—were each asked for definition of the term "gentleman." "A gentleman," said the Frenchman, "is a man who has five counts in his family." "No," exclaimed the Dutchman. "A gentleman i.s a man who never gives pain to his fellow creatures." "A gentleman," said Pat, "is a man who asks you to come, who gets out the whisky, and tells you to help yourself and walks away to the window while ye're doing it."