In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXV, Issue 267, 10 November 1934, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

i PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. • ' Fop the beet anecdote sent In each week ! ; a prize of Five Shillings Is awarded. ! i The prize this week goes to John . ! Clayton, 9, Rewhltl Avenue, Takapuna, ; ! for "A Long Trail." ;

i A LONG TRAIL. r Pat, the Irishman, was more of a 3 willing worker than an experienced one. ' One Say lie applied at King's Cross fc Station for a job on the line, but when 1 he told the manager that ho was not a 5 skilled worker, the latter found it rather > difficult to fit him into employment. At last he was given an oil can and ' a scraper, and told to walk down the 3 line clearing and oiling the points. r Pat set off armed with a full can. For three whole days not a word was 1 heard of the new hand. At the end of i the fourth, and when the manager was '■> beginning to get rather worried, he 3 received a telegram. It read:— Have reached Doncaster. Please send more 1 oil—Pat." 5 Hβ- Her hair is like sunshine. ' She: Yes; it's brighter some days than j others. ' Eeturned Prospector: There's nothing , in that mine of yours out in the West. Owner: Oh, yes, there is! I've sunk a small fortune in it myself. Landlady: Why did you put your • tee. down, Mr. Smith? Mr. Smith: Well, madam, it was so weak I thought I would let it rest. Artist: I painted this picture, eir, to a keep the wolf from the door. Dealer (after inspecting it): Well, : ' hang it on the knob, where the wolf s can see it. t e "They are criticising your candidate 0 because he doesn't talk." "Well," said the campaign manager, "what's the difference? If he talked, n they'd be criticising what he said." 1 ' I Physician: Has the patient followed t my prescription, nurse? Nurse: No, doctor, if he had-he would ." have broken his neck, for he threw it a out of the window.

"Do you think, professor," said a musically ambitious youth, "that I can ever do'anything with my voice?" "Well," was the cautious reply, "it may come in handy to call out with in case of fire." Little Brother: Mr. Poseyboy, won't you stand before, the window? Poseyboy: Certainly, my little man; but why? Little Brother: Oh, ma says sho can sen through you. I want to sec if I can. "Mary!" yelled the song writer. "What is it, dear?" asked tho patient wife. "Why don't you keep that boy quiet? What on earth's the matter with it?" "I don't know, dear. I'm singing one of. your lullabies to the, poor little darling. ,, "You Nβ made a. mistake in your paper," said tho indignant man, entering tho editorial sanctum. "I was one of the competitors at that athletic match yesterday, and you have called m,e 'the well-known lightweight champion.'" "Well, aren't you?" said the editor. "No, I'm nothing of the kind, and it's confoundedly awkward, because, you sec, I'm a coal merchant." "Yes," said Boggs, uuthinkingly, "I can remember events of long ago as if they happened but yesterday. When I think of my boyhood days—of my escapades at school, of many of my youthful and later actions, and how I got married, I cant help smiling and thinking how many foolish things I've done." And Boggs wondered why his wife treated him so coolly after the visitors had left.

(Anecdotes and Stories r.

SHE KNEW. Teacher (to class of juvenfle gh-M. "Can anyone tell me- what a Uβ ist" Smart Girl: Please, teacher, a lie ia an abomination to the Lord, but a very present help in time of trouble. THE ARTIST. Mrs. Black: I'm sure my Johnny ie to be a 'great artist. He'e top «f fci ß class for drawing. Mrs. White: Yes, he'll be an arfet right enough. This morning he drank our milk and drew a cat's paw on tne doorstep. QUITE MISTAKEN. A postcard bore the following concluding sentence: "I would write more, but the postman is sure to read it." The postman was very indignant. As he delivered the card he said: "The person who wrote this is quite mistaken. I never read the postcards I deliver." CERTAINLY. Studious Wife (reading "The Story of Mankind"): It eays here, dear, that there are some features common to most races. Easy-going Husband (etudying the "Sporting Life"): Yes, the favourite always gete home, sooner or later!" THE DEFINITION. A Scottish farmer, being elected to the local school board visited the villages school and tested the intelligence of thei class by the ijuestion: "Now, boys, can. any of you tell me what naething ist" After a moment's silence a small boy in a back scat rose: "It's what ye gi'ed me the other day for holding yer horse." MURDER WILL OUT I At a meeting convened by a religious organisation, a speaker who was attacking gambling remarked: "I will not eay that I myself have never gambled. I once bought a ticket in a raffle for my wife." A member of the audience interposed: "Ah, so that's how you got her is it?" READY. A very tall man was leaning out of a railway carriage window when the tram, in passing over some points, gave a sudden lurch, and in putting up his hand to steady himself, he accidentally pulled the communication cord. The only other occupant of the carriage was a Jew, who said: "Kvick! Vill you give me three pounds to have a fit?" PROUD OP HIS FATHER. Mr. Kichman (millionaire lecturing his son on the importance of economy): When I was your age I carried water for a gang of bricklayers. Son: I'm proud of you, father! If it hadn't been for your pluck and perseverance I might have had to do something like that myeelf. COLD LOGIC. "I don*t know how it is, Bridget," said a. mistress to her servant, "but it looks as though you took pleasure in breaking dishes that can't be duplicated." "It'e not pleasure, mum, but common ■sense," replied Bridget. "If a dish can't be duplicated, as you call it, of course you can't expect mo to replace it when I've broken it." ONLY ONE! A newspaper reporter met the boxer whose fight he had described the week before. "Hi!" cried the boxer angrily. "Whats the big idea? Here I win a big scrap and your paper only gives me two columns about it." "Well," replied the reporter, ' think of all the fights Nelson won, and he had only one column!"

HELPING BABY. A doctor -who was attending a young cliilcl was told by the mother that the medicine left the day before was all gone. "Impossible!" declared the doctor, i. told you to give him. a teaspoonful once an hour!" "Yes, but John and mother and I and the nurse have each had to take a teaspoonful, too, in order to get baby to take it!" FIRST-CLASS SHOTS. As a battalion was returning from rifle practice at the ranges a shot was discharged from the leading company, apparently by accident, but, the bullet passed uncomfortably cloec to the colonel. "Look here," he roared to the captain of tho company, "who fired that shot?" "Sir," replied the officer proudly, "it can't be a man ot my company, for they are all fir&t-class ehots!" QUITE ANOTHER THING. An American schoolboy was asked: "Who was the first man?" "George Washington," was the reply. "Nonseueel" said the teacher. "What makes you say that?" "Because," replied the boy, repeating a well-known quotation, "he was first in war, lirst in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen." "That may be," commented the teacher, "but nevertheless, Adam was tho first man."' "Oli," retorted the boy, with fine con- ' tempt, "you're, talking about foreigners. .