In Merrier Mood Anecdotes and Stories

Auckland Star, Volume LXV, Issue 65, 17 March 1934, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood Anecdotes and Stories

"Goodness knows where I should find myself if I hadn't learned to read a map!"

! PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. ; ; For tho best anecdoto sent in oach week t ) a prizo of Five Shillings is awarded, i | The prizo this week goes to Miss Mar- . | garot Cronin, Tyno Street, Ohakune i | Junction, for " Keeping Watch." ; " KEEPING WATCH." "Have you any small fancy plates," askeel the lady shopper of the assistant. "Yes. Along at this counter," was tho reply as she was led to another counter. On reaching their destination the first assistant said to tho one of the crockery: "Two ten." Tho same tiling happened two or three times 011 being led to different, counters. | Finally she came to a counter where she knew tho assistant, and asked tho meaning of "Two ten." It means "Two eyes on ten fingers,'" was the whispered reply. Miss Vane: Someone told me to-day that I was the handsomest girl in the street. Miss Speitz: Oh, that's not incurable! "What do you mean?" "Your habit of talking to yourself." "That coat looks shabby," remarked Ilicks to his intimate friend, the poet. "Why don't you have it turned?" "Do you think this coat has three sides?" asked.the impecunious one. "Ignorance," remarked young Borem, "They say is bliss." "That probably accounts for it," rejoined Miss Cutting. "Accounts for what?" "The contented and happy look you usually wear." First Girl: What a perfectly exquisite hat, dear! Second Girl: I am glad you like it. 'Tt's perfectly lovely. I ueed to wear a hat like that myself when it was in tlie fashion."

The country squire met a former church sidesman. "I never see you passing the plate round now, Hodge," he said. "No, sir; th' vicar pot this 'ere 'Safety First' fever, and give the job to Biil Brewer." "Why?" "Well, poor Bill lost a 'and in the war." "Has lie been here before?" asked the magistrate. "Yesy your Worship," answered the gaoler with a smile. "In fact, the first tiling he asked when he was brought in last night was whether he could liave his regular cell." George: What do you think of the engagement ring I gave your daughter, sir? Daughter's Parent: Rather nice. George: Did her friends admire it? Parent: They did more than that. Three i'/ them recognised it! The diocesan inspector had received such an unbroken series of correct answers that he thought he would alter his method of questioning, so he asked. "Who was the mother of Pontius Pilate ?" Tho clase seemed stumped, but at last a littlo girl shyly held up her hand. "Yes, my dear, said the inspector, "and what wa-s the name of Pontius Pilate's mother?" "Please, sir, old Mrs. Pilate!"

| SHE SAW THAT, She: I know this was only an imitation diamond tho moment you offered mo the ring. He: But you told me your sight was bad. She: It is, but I'm not stone blind. GONE ! SmifTey: Good evening, sergeant. Has anyone brought in a bottlo of whisky, which I loft by mistake in tho Littlo Mtidbury bus? Duty Sergeant: No, sir; but T believo they've brought in tho fellow who found it! MADE AN IMPRESSION. Biggens visited London for the fir*t time, and 011 his return was asked by his friend Smith what struck him first about London. "Tho traffic," replied Biggens; "and my next impression was a cool band on my brow, and a smell of antiseptic, and a voice asking me if I felt better." GOOD BUSINESS. Two negroes met, and in the ordinary course of conversation one saio, "How's do business?" "Business am sure good," answered tho other. "I have bought a donkey for five pounds, swapped it for a bicycle, swapped that for a mangle, swapped do mangle for u bedstead, and have sold do bedstead for five pounds." "But you ain't made nuthin' on tho deal!" "So—but look at tho business I am doin'!" HIS PECULIARITY. "You must find that impediment in your speech rather inconvenient at times, Mr. Barnes?" "Oh, ii-no; everybody has his littlo p-peculiaritics. Stammering is m-mine. What is y-yours?" "Well, really, Sir. Barnes, I am not aware that I have any." "D-do you stir y-your tea with your right hand ?" "Why, yes." "W-well, that is your peculiarity; most p-people u-use a t-teaspoon." AFTER SO LONG . Macnab, while on a visit to London, called at a restaurant for dinner. He gave his order- to the waitress and waited and waited. At last, when his patience was almost exhausted, along came the waitress with his dinner. He looked at her in amazement, and said. "Are ye the lassie I gi'ed ma order tae ?" "Yes, 6ir." "Well, well. Dae ye ken, ye dinna look a day aulder." TRIUMPH OF ART. Two friends (one married, the other a bachelor) were at the latest play admiring the performance of a famous actor. "By Jove," the married man murmured, "he's wonderful. The way he displays affection towards the leading lady, eh 1" "Yes, pretty good," the bachelor agreed. "But, you see, he's been married to her actually for eighteen years." "What, really married? Gosh!—what an actor!" TOO CLEVER. At the pantomime matinee a littlo man called at tho theatre, bought two tickets, and proceeded to enter, followed by his wife and 11 children. "Here!" shouted the doorkeeper, "where are the other tickets ?" "What other tickets?" asked the man. "Why —for this crowd." The man with the family . answered angrily: "Did you not advertise children under twelve with parents admitted free ?" "We did," retorted the doorkeeper, "but these are not under twelve." "Then count them, and ye'll be findin' there's just eleven of them—we left the other at home." TOMMY KNEW. The visiting inspector wrote the word "thief" on tiio blackboard, and then turned to the class. "Now, young man," he said, indicating Tommy Brown, "can you pronounce that word for me?" Tommy was silent. "Do you know what it means?" went on the inspector. Again no word from the boy. "Very well," said the inspector, "I will give you an illustration. Supposing I took a penny from your pocket whilst you weren't lookincr, what would I be ?" "A conjurer, sir!" he said.