In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXV, Issue 17, 20 January 1934, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

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| PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. j | Fop the best anecdote sent in each week I J a prize of Five Shillings is awarded. ! ! The prize this week goes to Selwyn ! ! Clark, 16, O'NeilJ Street, Ponsonby, ! W. 1., for "A Good Substitute." I; i _ _ A GOOD SUBSTITUTE. Mrs. Jones (over telephone) to doctor: Will you please come over as quickly as, possible as little Jimmy has swallowed a pencil. Doctor Smith: What are you doing in the meantime. Mrs. Jones: Using my fountain pen. First lawyer: I've juefc mad© a fortune. Second lawyer: Whoso was it? "Your new overcoat is rather loud." "It's all right when I put on a muffler." Teacher: Henry are you learning anything? Henry: Please, no, sir. I'm listening to you. "Come and see my car; it's unique," sard Jones. "What is there unique about it?" "It's paid for." Stage Hand (to manager): Shall I lower the curtain, 6ir? One of the livin' statues has the hiccups! He: I don't believe that one marriage in ten is happy. She: Really! I'm not competent to eay. I've been married only three times. It wafl remarked that he had been away. "Yes," he 6aid, with a note of gentle resignation in his voice, "my wife took me on her honeymoon." "Well, dear, how did you enjoy the party 1" "Oh, had a rotten time." "How was that?" "They told me to eat as mil! .1 as I wanted —and I couldn't."

Mrs. E.: My husband is very goodnatured. Mrs. H.: Really? An unusual trait in husbands. "Anyhow, I gave him a box of cigars for his birthday, but he only smoked one. He gave the rest to hie friends."

Irish Doctor: Well, my man, what's the matter with you? Pat: Pains in the back, sir. Doctor (handing Pat a few pills): Take one of these a quarter of an hour before you feel the pain coming on.

There was a discussion on temperance. One of the speakers declared: "Water

lias killed more people than whisky ever did." "How do you make that out?" replied the local prohibitionist. "Well, to begin with, there was the Flood."

Barney: Were yez iver sthruek be loiglitning, Pat? Pat: Shure, Barney, Oi don't remember. "Don't remember?" "No, Barney. A man that's been married ten years don't reruiiivbcr such troiflets as that."

Anxious Old Lady (on river steamer): I say, my good man, is this boat going up or down? Surly Deckhand: Well, she's a leaky old' tub, ma'am, so I shouldn't wonder if she was Roing down. Then again her b'ilers ain't none too good, so she might go up.

Jimson: "Were you at the concert last night? Baird: Yes, part of the time. "Did you hear me sing 'The Wolf'?" "'The Wolf'? How did it go?" Jimson (singing): "Whilst the wolf in nightly prowl, bays the moon with hideous how-w-w-1." Baird (expressively): Yes, I remember the hideous howl.

"Mamma," said little Elsie, "I do wish I had some money to give you for the poor children." "Very well, dear; if you would like to go without sugar for a week I'll give you thl nioney instead, and then you will have some." "Must it be sugar, mamma?" "Why, 110, darling, not necessarily. What would you like to do without?" "Soap, mamma."

~| ALL WET. ; Pedagogue: Name the constituents of J quartz. ! His Father's Son: Pint*. ;j SETTLED IN ADVANCE. ! Why should I plod a ballot to enrol My slight opinion noting! The " Literary Digest" takes a poll, So what's the use of voting? 7 HEIGHT OF EFFICIENCY. 3 "You have kept my nose to the grind. stone for forty years," protested her ° husband. "I've done more than that," snapped his wife. "I've made you turn the grindstone." WELL TRAINED. » The train had stopped on the line, j) and the guard was tired of answering stupid questions. "What's tho matter, guard f* came g yet another query. n "The signalman up there has got red hair," replied the guard, "and we can't get the engine to pass the box." t POLICY SETTLES EVERYTHING. Dialogue overheard on the beach at a West Coast resort. Small boy to his I mother: e "Mummy, may I go in to swim?" "Certainly not, my dear, it's far too deep." "But daddy is swimming." ' "Yes. dear, but he's insured.** i IT CERTAINLY WAS. The music hall manager was listening t to the efforts of an aspiring singer who j sought a place on tho bill. Concluding , triumphantly with a note many kilometres beyond her compass, the singer said triumphantly, "That last note was B flat, sir." ( s "Yes," murmured the manager, r thoughtfully, "it certainly was." REFERRED TO DR. VIZETELLY. > The famous Indian fighter's experiences in the Old West were many. Among them was an escape from death in a blizzard on the plains -when he crawled inside the carcase of a freshly killed bqfzlohomgsagrvbkwkss. — Associated Press copy. Who's afraid of the big, bad bqfzlohomgsagrvbkwkss ? CALLING 'EM NAMES. Mrs. Smythe-Browne was making the final arrangements for her big reception. "Bridget," she said to her new maid, "for the first thirty minutes after six o'clock I want you to stand at the drawing room door and call the guests' names as they arrive.". Bridget's face lit up. "Very well, ma'am," she replied, "I'll do my best. I suppose the first thing that comes into my 'ead about them will do, won't it?" A POSER. A "punter" had been to the races and not backed a winner. He came away very disconsolate and slightly inebriated. He stood by a bridge and looked at the reflection of the moon in the water below. Calling to a passing policeman, lie asked, "Is that the moon down there?" "Of course it is," returned the eonstable. , "Well," replied the "broken" punter, "what the devil am I up here for, then ?" THOUGHT HE'D MENTION IT. Landlord (to prospective tenant): "You know we keep it very quiet and orderly here. Do you have any children ?" "No." "A piano, radio, or gramophone?" "No." "Do you play any musical instrument? Do you have a dog, cat or parrot?" "No; but my fountain-pen scratches a little sometimes." OH, PROFESSOR. Jane, tho maid, tapped timidly on the professor's study door and entered, "Gentleman in the hall wishes to speak to you, sir," she said. The professor looked up from his book. "Tell him I'm out, Jane," ho said brusquely. Jane shrugged her shoulders hopelessly. "I did, sir," she replied, "but he won't S°" | "What!" ejaculated her master angrily. "Send him in to me and I will tell him myself." A GOOD PIECE OF WORK. One night a man in a ear was run down at the level-crossing. Consequently the old signalman in charge had to appear in court. After a gruelling cross-examination he was still unshaken. He said he waved his lantern frantically, but all to no avail. The following day the superintendent of the line called him into his office. "\ou did wonderfully well yesterday, Tom," he said. "I was afraid at first that you might waver." "No, sir," replied Tom, "not as long as that lawyer didn't ask me whether my lantern was lit."