THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXIV, Issue 242, 13 October 1933, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TO WN.)

A sunburnt old soldier stepped into the 'paratorium to speak of more pipss. He served, said he, in "Napoleon's Bodyguard," tVut is to say, the 14th King's THE Hussars. The sunburnt LAST HORSE, soldier (a - lieutenant) rode at the head o£ his troop in the "Mespot'' affair, and on the way to Bagdad the dawns were very cold. The leader was frozen as to toe and chattering as to teeth, and he tried hard to smoke his pipe. His chattering jaw loosed its hold, the pipe fell to the earth. One hundred and twenty-seven hoofs in a troop of thirty-two horses missed that pipe. The one hundred and twenty-eighth hoof of number four horse in the rear section of tour trod that pipe to pieces. The lieutenant still mourns that pipe. H£ says that pipes were rarities in Mespot, and hence much_ more valuable than gold. (tes, oil the other hand, were common enough. A Christchurch police sub-inspector in uniform, noting a boy riding on a footpath, ordered him to desist. The boy did not desist. Ultimately, on beTHE TRAM i.ng fined, the boy exCONDUCTOR. plained, "I thought he was a bandmaster or something,'' intimating, by the way. the varying potency of clothes. A mere civilian has been known to create consternation among revellers by merely donning a policeman's helmet and looking round the corner of a bar door. During the war, on the Wellington front, a dear old lady boarded a tram at the Conrtenay Place stop. A man in uniform was

standing on the roar platform, and as the dear old lady came abreast him she offered him twopence, saving, "Newtown, please." The general with 'em all on, including crossed swords, oak leaves and scarlet bandages, never turned a hair. He had more poise than the celebrated officer who, being addressed by a recruit as "Mister," was so horrified that his oak leaves had acorn twins. ■ j Talking of pipes, tobacco and smoking on the march during armed disturbances, one is reminded of other solaces indulged in by men who may have not a chance THE STIMULANT, to smoke to-morrow and whose habits are so deplored by people who never get shot at. Apart from the infrequent balm of rum (a temptation now absent from the Australian Royal Navy), during many modern campaigns men have been found suffering with headaches, incompetent judges hastily diagnosing alcohol —even when the nearest hostelry is two hundred miles in the rear. The source of the dismal expedient to obtain momentary forgetfulness has been traced to the common or garden rifle cartridge, which the inebriate dissects, withdrawing the strings of cordite from the brass, masticating the same. Specimens of cordite addicts show no pleased exhilaration as in other forms of unnatural stimulation —and inebriation by the process of eating cartridges is happily not common in the piping times of peace. When a gentleman has been eating ammunition for any length of time he shows so much fatigue it is useless putting him on one. One of the quaintest bits of news to reach New Zealand lately is the story of the duke who fell in love with the "slimming" photographs of a mannequin. PATH OF LOVE. Now if the duke had just contented himself with « ing the photographs all would have been w tii, but according to the cablegram he wrote "a wonderful letter," and the lovely slim lady has handed up the correspondence to her lawyer. This passion for putting pen to paper lead's straightcr to the courts than any other foolishness perpetrated by lovelorn man. The fantastic reasons for man's admiration have been set down by a-thousand poets throughout the centuries, and men have not only fallen for "slimming" photographs, but for mere eyebrows, twinkling ankles and the beauty that "draws us by a single hair." Talking of hair, one is irresistibly reminded of the lovelorn vouth.

"Oh, give mo one lock of j-our beautiful hair." The tender young lover took courage and sighed. "'Twere a sin to refuse so modest a pra.ver, So take the whole wig!" the sweet creature replied.

Clerks in Holy Orders have some of the amiable habits of mere laymen, and you would note, if you circulated at Synod, the number of clergymen who during PIPE DREAMS, off moments hold pipes between their fingers or between their lips. Very likely clergymen have smoked since the days of Raleigh, but until late years sturdy laymen, who themselves smoked like furnaces, regarded the clerical incineration of the acrid weed (especially in public) askance. It has been said that to smoke here is better than to smoke hereafter. That moral warrior-woman, Carrie Nation, who used to sally forth plucking pipes from lay lips, would have many a merry morning nowadays in clerical circles, but the average man and the average cigarette smoking-woman would laugh at Carrie's campaign in a da.y when curates caress cigarettes [and archbishops possess pipe-s. It is of interest that during the war many clergymen refrained from this universal incineration, being instigated to and encouraged by the example of the present Archbishop. The solace is denied no one in these broader days, and probably the tobacco manufacturer who passed from earth leaving seven million pounds behind did not himself object to the universal habit.

Tho man with the melancholy eyes mentioned that he had attended a very nice concert indeed, for he is musical to the backbone. He was particularly MORE MUSIC. interested in a boy singer

with a fresh young voice who, by the way, moved ■ several people to tears with simple art. He said that he was moved to tears himself, hut the tears were different. At a crucial moment a group sitting close to him, consisting of papa, mama, and the family felt that an accompaniment was indicated. Papa produced an immense packet of those excellent sweetmeats which are each nattily enshrined in crackling paper, awarding liandfuls to mama and the young accompanists. The diapason champing of dad, the musical mastication of mum, and the contralto and soprano effects of the bairns, mingled with, the efforts of the bov singer, were novel. The interesting fact, that the crackling papers., once discarded, were thrown under the chairs, and there trodden on for the rest of the evening, enhanced these concerted efforts. Tt occurred to the. listener that this passion for gustatory accompaniment at Auckland entertainments might go still further. If a family may masticate conSectionery with accompanying noises it gives potential audiences an opening to •bring their own soup in cans. What, could be more enthralling during a soulful solo from the platform to hear rows of the audiences soothing the epiglottis with pannikinfuls of soup? In time concerted soup items by the audience would eliminate the necessity of any music from the platform. And for trams, trains and ferry boats—peanut bands! THE CHILD MIND. Graham is five years old. He went for the first time to Sunday school oil a recent Sabbath. On his return to his home his mother said. "Well, Graham, what did the teacher tell you?" And Graham replied, "Oh, told us all about the twelve opossums."