WILL NEVER RETIRE.

Auckland Star, Volume LXIV, Issue 237, 7 October 1933, Page 2 (Supplement)

WILL NEVER RETIRE.

MAY ROB SON'S AMBITION.

The year was 18S3 and tlio place was a Brooklyn Theatre. A timid Australian girl of 17 played lier first two roles in one play. In acts one and three she was a servant girl, in the second and fourth acts she was the ingenue. Her lines reached the insignificant total of seven. The heroine of the piece was her heroine, not because of the noble character she portrayed, but because the star had so many thousands (it seemed) of words to say and so many hundreds of gestures to make. "Some day," said the servantingenue, whose name was May Robson "I'm going to be a star and say thousands of words and make hundreds of gestures." "That was my idea of stardom then," said May Robson, in a recent interview in Hollywood, where she is now starring in films. "I discovered it means much more than sayiiig words and making gestures. It mennt a lot of work, but I've thrived on it." Miss Robson is 07 years old and celebrating, by working nearly every day before the cameras, her fiftieth anniversary as an actress. She says she nev'er will [ retire.

IN THE RIGHT PLACE. " For nearly an hour the talkative man had bored his fellow passengers in the railway coach with accounts of his do D T °''Sir!" said the old gentleman who had been vainly trying to snatch forty winks, "suppose you took fowser into a shop and bought him a muzzle, and then asked the shop assistant to put it on for you and ho refused, what would vou do 1" . „ T , 1 "Why," said the talkative one, Ici put it on myself." "Quite so," was the reply. And 1 think all present will agree with me that the result would bo excellent.

Teacher: If one maid can clean a room in two hours, how long does it take two maids working together? Pupil: Four hours.

Grocer: You want a pound of oclirc. Is it red ochre for making paint? Small Boy: No, it's tappy ocliro for making puddings."

"Dad, it says here that a certain man was a financial genius. What does that mean ?" "That he could earn money more qui-'kly than his family could spend it.

Bertie was sitting on his father s knee, watching his mother arranging

her hair. "Papa hasn't any curly waves like that," said the father laughingly. Bertie looked up at his father s pate and replied: "No, it's all beach."

Customer: I'm going to a fancy dress ball this evening as "Father Time. Have you a scythe you could sell me? Shopkeeper: No, sir, I'm. sorry I don t have one, but I can let you have a very nice lawnmower.

A little boy had takeil his mother's powder puff, and was in the act of powdering his face, when his small sister, aged five, snatched it from him. "You mustn't do that!" she exclaimed. "Only ladies use powder. Gentlemen wash themselves." Mother: What are you children doing? I thought you were playing together. Robert: We are playing at fathers and mothers. "But you can't need to make all that noise." "Yes, wo do —slio has just asked me for money for a new hat." A group of pilots "were buzzing about something or other as the flight commander approached, and several times ho caught the expression, "The last word in aeroplanes." "Well," lie said, as he reached the group, "what is the last word in aeroplanes ?" "Jump!" At a dinner a waiter-discovered .a man systematically trying the knives with his thumb before the meal commenced. "What arc you doing there'!" he asked. "Those knives are sharp!" "'Tain't that! I'm lookin' for a blunt 'un. I was here last year and I cut me mouth."

A doctor and a dentist were intimate friends for many years, but neither knew the age of the other. When the dentist died, the doctor thought that he would now be able to ascertain hie friend' 3 age. Ho attended the funeral, approached the coffin, and looked at the brass plate. This is what lie read: "Angus McLcod. Dentist. (Hours 10—4.)"

The bus struck a patch of bad road, and tho conductor, thrown off his balance, landed 011 a not too young woman's lap. A violent argument terminated by the conductor demanding his opponent's fare. "Xcw Stieet," she snapped, tendering a coin. "Single?" asked tho conductor. "Yes." Tho conductor looked tho woman up and down maliciously. "H'm," he murmured as a parting shot, "I'm not surprised."

A COMING EVENT. Isaac: I hear Solly Hardup's shop -wag burned to the ground last night. They say you could see the fire a long way off. Jacob: Yes, I saw it seven months ago. A GENIUS. Brown: What do you do when a woman asks you to guess her age I Smith: I guess my guess to myself, knock off 30 per cent, and generally come near making myself adored. SAVING THE SITUATION. A pretty girl sat in the comer of a railway carriage next to her young mail, arid with her little niece on her knee. The .train dashed into a tunnel, and suddenly the other passengers heard the little girl exclaim: "Kiss me, too, Auntie Violet!" ".Mavis," said Auntie Violet quickly, "you should say, 'kiss me twice'; Tciss me two' is not good grammar." REASON FOR HASTE. A small boy dashed up to a policeman. "Come quickly!" he shouted. "A man has been fighting my father for over an hour." The policeman started to run. "But why didn't you call me sooner?" he asked the child. "Father was getting the best of it until a few minutes ago!" was the answer. SELF-DEFENCE. A small man was holding forth on humanitarianism. "My frientis," he said, "you should never in any circumstances strike a child. I've brought up six boys myself, so I know -what I'm talking about." "Six boys!" exclaimed one of the audience. "And do you mean to say you haven't laid a hand on one of them 1" "Never," declaTed the lecturer, "except in self-defence." COMPANY UNLIMITED. The colonel's wife sent the following note to Captain Green: "Colonel and Mrs. Brown request the pleasure of Captain Green's company to dinner on the 20th inst." Captain Green's reply gave her a shock. It read as follows: "With the exception of four men on leave and two in the guardroom, Captain Green's company have great pleasure in accepting your invitation." HIS GUIDE. Xuwedd, a newcomer to the suburb, looked dazed and rather weary. His neighbour inquired the rc.. on for this. "My wife," said Nuwedd hoarsely. "She told me to take our tom-cat out and lose it. So I put the beastly thing in a basket and tramped into the country for about six miles." He paused for breath. "Well," put in the neighbour, "did you lose it?" "Lose it?" gasped Nuwedd. 'If I hadn't followed it I'd never have found my way home again!" , • ( QUITE EASY. A lady teacher was taking for an object lesson the wonders of the wind — its power, velocity, etc. To illustrate her points she explained the following, saying: "Now, boys, for instance, when travelling on the bus to school this morning, as it gathered speed, can you think what lightly touched my cheek?" Very soon a pupil smartly put up his hand with: "Please, miss, it was the conductor kissed you." f t WARNED IN TIME. Sandy McKnab, on his way home to Bonnie Scotland for Easter holidays, having missed his last connection at a country railway junction, went to seek lodging at a boarding house in a nearby town. The landlady showed him his room. "Looks rather comfortable," observed Sandy. "Yes, sir," said the lady, "people usually admit I've made them comfortable hero; I've always had a gift for doing that." "Is that a fact!" gasped Sandy. "Weel, dinna expect one frae me!" WE BLACK COATS. A dignified clergyman, going to his living to spend the summer, met near his house a comical old chimney sweeper, with whom he used to chat. "So, John," says the doctor, "whence come you?" "From your house, sir," says Mr. Soot, "for this morning I swept all your chimneys." "How many were there?" says the doctor.

"Not less than 20," quotli John. "Well, and how much a chimney have you ?"» "Only a shilling apiece, sir." »"Why, then," quoth the doctor, "you have earned a good deal of money in a little time." "Yes, sir," said John, throwing lite hag over his ehoulder, "we black coats get our money easy enough."