IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXIV, Issue 189, 12 August 1933, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

A MINISTER AND TACKS. A girl was putting up some decorations in a church when the minister happened to look in. Seeing some tacks lying about in the pulpit he said: "You should not leave tacks there, Katie. Now .what- would.happen if 1 stepped on one in the middle of the sermon next Sunday." "Oh well," said Katie, "there would be one point you wouldn't linger long on, anyway."

"Pa, what's a genius? Ask your mother; she married one. _ Wliy 1 didn't know ma had been married twice!

Wife: . The doctor said at once that I needed a stimulant, and asked to see inv tongue. Husband (alarmed): Good heavens! I hope he didn't give you a stimulant for that.

"Does your husband always live up to the promise of his courtship days? "Always. In those days he said he wasn't good enough for me, and he s been proving it ever since."

Miss Reducer: My dear, your figure is improving wonderfully. Do me what reducing method you are using? Mrs. Slimmer: .Trying to live within my income is what keeps me living within my clothes.

Mother: Your Uncle Angus has sent you a postal order for five shillings from "Australia to buy yourself somethin <r for your twenty-first birthday, darling. Daughter (ungratefully): Goodness! So far and yet so near!

Wyte: Browne is very economical, isn't he-? Black: Browne? Well,. I'll tell you. Browne is the sort of man who, when he wants an awl, and hasn't any, instead of buying one,_ will go to work to make one by straightening a cork-screw.

Walking through a churchyard with the beadle, and feeling a fit of sneezing coming on, a man remarked that he feared he had taken a cold. "That's bad," replied the beadle, "but there's many a one here wha wad be gled o't."

■ "Not a bad beginning, sir," said the fat squire patronisinglv to the new vicar. "A bit too scientific and modern,' perhaps, but quite fair. Remember, parson, you must feed the sheep, feed the sheep." Surveying his bulky critic, the parson replied: "My dear sir, it's exercise you need, not food." «

He had bought a car. He took his wife on a few preliminary expeditions, during which she did not hesitate to criticise her husband's efforts at driving. "Halloa, old man," said liis next-door neighbour, "I see you've got a little two-seater. What do you get out of her?" "About 40.000 words to the gallon."

A farmer had several hens stolen, so lie decided to buy a dog. 3e sent his man to town and told him to get a good yard dojr. Soon the man returned, escorting a dachshund. "What do you call that thing?" gasped the farmer. '"Well," replied the man, "it's the nearest I could get to a yard; it's two feet eleven inches."

I Prize for Best Story § I For the best anecdote sent in each 1 i S 5 a prizo of Five Sllilling " '" awardetL 1 I The prize this week goes to Daphne | 3j«T Beckett, 52, Grafton Road, for: § I -DMLg "A MINISTER AND TACKS." |

SCREENLAND SNAPS. Beautiful Star: Before I say I'll marry, you, promise me one thing that if we tire of each other you'll provide me with "rounds for divorce. He-man Hero (gallantly): I always do! TALKATIVE BARBER. Barber (to customer): There seems a moisture in the hair to-day, sir. Customer (putting his hands on his head): I hadn't noticed it. Barber: Oh, no, sir; I meant the hair of the hatmospliere. NOT A BEAN. The teacher was instructing the ela*s in the use of Latin phrases. On the blackboard he wrote "Nota bene. He then . asked if any boy knew the meaning. For a Ion" time there was silence, then one bright boy put up his hand: "Please, sir,°it's what father says to mother when she asks him how much money he has." HE KNEW.. "Hadn't you better go and tell your master?" said the motorist _ to the farmer's boy who stood looking at the load of hay which had been upset. "He knows," replied the boy. "Knows? How can he know?" asked the motorist. . , , " 'Cos lie's under the hay, explained the boy. TSARTAINLY NOT. • Teacher: Who can tell me what the former ruler of Russia was called? Class (in unison): Tsar. . Teacher: Correct; and what was hie wife called? Class: Tsarina. Teacher: What were the Tsar's children called? j. .j There was a pause, and then a timid voice in the rear piped up: "Tsardines." TOO MUCH TO EXPECT. The shop assistant wrapped up the customer's parcel and deftly handed it "There you are, sir," he said, "and if. the goods are not to your liking we will | cheerfully refund the cash." Farmer Giles sniffed. 'Don tye tell me such a yarn, young man," he replied. "Eh, what!" exclaimed the assistant* momentarily taken off his guard. "Ye might gi'e me my money back, said thte farmer, "but it ain't in human nature to be cheerful about doihg it. CURE-lOUS. A negro entered the general store of a small town and complained to the storekeeper that a ham that he had purchased a few days before had proved not to be good. . "The ham is all right, Sam, insisted the storekeeper." "No, it ain't, boss," insisted the other. "Dat' ham's sure bad." "How can it be?" continued the storekeeper, "when it was cured only last week Sam reflected solemnly a moment, and then suggested. "Maybe it's done had a relapse." HARD TO PLEASE. Mrs. Newly wed entered a high-class hat shop to purchase a hat for herself, and after trving nearly all the hats on, the girl behind the counter getting a bit fed up, picked up Mrs. Newlywed's hat she had taken off to try the others on, and' said: "How do you like one, madam?" Mrs. Newlywed tried it on and turned to the girl with beaming eyes and said: "I like this one very much. The girl smiled with glee and said: "That's your own hat, madam; you had it on when you entered the shop." Mrs. Newlywed walked out of the shop feeling very small and sat on.

QUITE CERTAIN. Tommy was taking dinner to his father, a road mender. On his -way he saw a man repairing the grate over a drain. "My brother lost 'arf-a-crown down that" drain," remarked Tommy interestedly. "Well, young man," said the workman his eyes lighting up, "you'd better get a move on with that dinner before it gets cold." In half an hour Tommy returned to find the man still at the drain. "Are you sure it was in this drain the 'arfcrown was lost?" he asked.

"Yes," replied Tommv,. "because I saw my father get it out."