IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXIV, Issue 83, 8 April 1933, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

« THAT FORK." Driver of Car (pulling up): That was a puncture, my dear. Wife: Oh, George, I v wish you'd be more careful. I distinctly heard that man who directed us telling you there was a fork in the road! Angry Wife: I cook and bake for you, and what do I get?—absolutely nothing. Husband: You're lucky—l get indigestion. Cyril: See that little star up there? Well, it's bigger than this whole world of ours. Little Sister: Then why doesn't it keep off the rain? "You haven't got the spirit of a mouse!" "Certainly not, my dear. If I resembled a mouse in any respect you might be afraid of me." Lawyer: So you want a separation from your wife? Aren't your relations pleasant, then? Tired-looking Man: Mine are, but hers are perfectly horrid. Old Lady: Here's a penny, my poor man. Tell me, how did you become so destitute? Tramp: I was like you, mum —a-giving away vast sums to the poor and needy. Smith (after the smash): Do you know, that is the third statue this town has had wrecked by lorry accidents this year? Robinson: Some towns seem to have all the luck. Mrs. Macduff had been promised a present of a new hat by a lady, who asked Mrs. Macduff whether she would have a felt or a straw one. "Weel," was the reply, "I'll tak* a strae one; it'll maybe be a mouthful for the coo when I'm done wi' it."

Dentist's Wife: Why arc you looking very worried to-niglit, dear? Anything been upsetting you? "Dentist: Upsetting me ? I should say so. I asked old Thompson to-day for payment of my long-overdue account, and what do you think ? The bounder had the cheek to gnash me with my own teeth. Leaving home for a week, she insisted on taking two trunks, four hat-boxes and three suitcases. "I wish we'd brought the piano," said her husband, when they reached the station. "That's not funny," she replied frigidly. "I'm not trying to be funny," said he. "I left the tickets on it."

The conjurer's turn had not been going at all well, but he stuck doggedly to his task. "Now," he said, "if any lady or gentleman in the audienco will oblige me with an egg, I will proceed to perform an amazing trick." From the back of the hall came a voice: "If anybody 'ere 'ad a egg, you'd 'ave 'ad it long ago."

A negro applying for a job described his attributes without too much modesty. "All right," said the boss, "you can have a job, and as to the' salary—well, I'll pay you just whatever yon'-e worth." "Dat's eo use tp me, sah," said the applicant decidedly. "I'se gcttin' mo' dan dat where I is now."

A veteran Yorkshire salesman of 00 summers met an old acquaintance he had not seen for years, and was addresspd thus: A'll tell ye what, owd friend, y're gittin' o'vder." "Aye," replied the veteran cheerfully, "an' I'se glad on it." "What! Y're glad c" gittin' owder?" "Aye! For if.l wasn't gittin' owder I suddn't be here."

I Prize for Best Story | i S^J^^VL 9 F or t^le k est anec<^ote sent * n each week 1 § * prize of Five Shillings is awarded. 1 I ' The prize this week goes to H. Ryland, 1 | \\ Ward 23, Public Hospital, Auckland, | I "THAT FORK." | liniiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuniiiMiiniimiiiiiiiniiiimiiiniinmiiimiHiiiiuiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiinniniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiinii iimuiiwmiininmmirail

"Will you help a fellow?" he asked. "What is it?" asked the well-dressed man. "My wife is starving," said the other dramatically. The city man smiled. "So is mine, old fellow," he responded affably. "It's rather hard lines on the poor ladies, but it is the only way to get that fashionable figure." SLIGHTLY MISUNDERSTOOD. Husband and wife were on a shopping expedition in the West End of London. In one big store they strayed into the department where mannequins were displaying expensive-looking dresses. One particular evening costume caught the lady's eye. "James, dear," she 6aid, trying to suppress her excitement, "that would look nice at our dance on the tenth of next month." Hubby eyed the costume in question. "Yes, it would," he replied. "Send the girl an invitation." FAIR EXCHANGE. Two small children presented themselves at a country rectory and asked to see the cleric, who was a renowned beekeeper. They proffered a matchbox, from which issued an angry buzzing, saying, "Please, sir, is this your bee?" One hive alone houses several thousands, but thinking to humour the children, he thanked them and said he thought it was. But they still lingered, till one burst out with, "Please, sir, mother said if you were to offer us money we were to say 'No, thank you, but might we have a little honey instead?'"

ALL ENGLISH. "What's your name?" said a school inspector to a boy who dropped his aitches very badly. " 'Arrison," replied the boy. "No, no," said the inspector, "it's sot 'Arrison." "Well, sir," said the boy, "if a haitch and a hay, two harrs and a hi, a hess and a ho and a hen don't spell 'Arrison, wot do they spell?" HE UNDERSTOOD. Brown: I have not been to a football match for years because in my opinion the play has deteriorated so. Jones: My wife makes me attend to the garden on Saturday afternoons, too. A POSER. Irate Father (to son): You youn» fool, I've forgotten more than you will ever know. ' Son: Yes, that's all right, dad,. but what amazes me is how do you remember how much you've forgotten!" MIGHT TELL THE TRUTH. Politician (angrily): Those newspapers tell abominable lies about' m'e. Friend: And yet they might do worse. Politicians: Do worse! What do you' mean ? Friend: They might tell the truth. ' QUERY. "Why are you crying?" "Father called mother a waddling goose." "Well?" "Mother called father a stupid ass." "But why are you crying?" "Well, what am I?" THRILL THAT COMES ONCE. "I painted something for last year's academy." "Was it hung?" "Yes, near the entrance where everybody could see it." "Congratulations? What was it?" "A board saying 'Keep to the left.'" MISUNDERSTOOD. Mrs. Smythe-Smythe was staging her first reception, and informed the new maid that from 7.0 to 7.30 she was to stand at the drawing room door and call the guests' names as they.arrived. "Yes, ma'am," replied Mary, "I'll do my beet. I suppose the first thing that comes into my head about 'em will do." THE BITER BIT. A Yankee, boarding a tramcar, thought to raise a laugh to amuse the passengers at the expense of the man opposite, who happened to be a Cingalese. "I say, I know what you are! You are a Cingalese, Chinese, or Japanese." "I say, don't you think you' are smarc. I know exactly what you are. You are either a Yankee, turkey, or a monkey." VERY TEARFUL. Husband (going to his rich uncle's! funeral): Put a couple of large handkerchiefs into my pocket, dear. The. old gentleman promised to leave me £5000 when he came here for his holidays, and I shall want to shed some appropriate tears. Wife: But suppose he has altered his mind and when the will is read you find he hasn't left you anything? Husband: In that case you had better put in four. NOT FROM CHOICE. The shabbily-dressed man looked pleadingly at the well-dressed city man who was seated next to him on the park bench.