RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume LXIV, Issue 83, 8 April 1933, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS

More cuts coming! Even the Diomodc has been docked. Headline: "Local Body Borrowing." I wonder which one? On Thursday, April 6, three per cent beer returned to the United States. What an orgy! Kecent headlines: "At a Low Ebb— Crime in the City." Cheer up, every cloud has a silver lining. Trotsky has said what he thinks of Hitler. It will be interesting to know what Hitler thinks of Trotsky. Coal is cheaper. Citizens c&n now afford to get into hot water almost without the help of the Government. Duncdin informs us that the "dry spell has broken." There are equally enthusiastic messages from the United States. There is an unsatisfied demand for wives in East Africa. One gentleman who demanded five has had to put four back. John Bull, "returning to sanity," is going back to the small cruiser. Unole Sam has gone back to the large "schooner." A lady has written to the papers indignantly denying that a woman is too old at forty. She neglects, however, to tell us at what age a woman becomes forty. \ It is pointed out that a gaol is not needed at Okarito, and now I hear that the top storeys of the prison at Wharekirauponga are to be used as a wireless station.

Colonel Lindbergh, the noted American airman, is to live in Wales. A strong and determined young man is Charles, and if Be threatens to ■ learn the language, by heck, he'll do it!

American philanthropists point out that there are several States the authorities'of which do not tax the graves in cemeteries. Evidently dear old Sam leaves some place a taxpayer can- escape to.

A local medical man has very wisely pointed out that we eat too much food. A mere layman who attended a dinner of doctors at the last medical conference in Auckland, perfectly agrees with the doctor.

. It is officially said that the final effects of recent taxation, including the sales tax, have not yet been ascertained. It is understood that the experts have not yet finished their survey of mental hospitals and the necropolis.

The news that a musician has been sent to gaol as an ineorrigiHe nuisance raises the faint hope that 4n the far future an international agreement wi.l render it an offence for Americans to make, jazz gramophone records.

Thnes.»re so bad iii the Old World that there have been many cases in which women have stowed away on board ship. . A facetious commentator assumes that their quarters are marked "Baggage not wanted on the voyage.

A celebrated English divine says books on big game shooting should be suppressed except those which show that the hunter was mauled by wild beasts. A special type of book will have to be written for clergymen who dislike cruel sports.

\ pale vellow friend writes to me from Shanghai mentioning that among the warring units in the great land food is scarce and that "decaying fish piesced up on the seashore is often used for currency." I wonder if this is the -high finance we hear so much about?

Helpful hint on hedge-trimming, in a Wellington paper: "All hedges should bo given their final cutting for the year. 1 his cutting should take the form of a gentle trimmig-up. bo that the hedge wall look £*nS throughout the winter."-Sonie of our neighbours' hedges look 3.lst l,ke that.

REPROOF TO UNCLE SAM. Mr. Wilfred Funk, American poet,and publisher, who has just completed a survey of the subject, says that collegiate, are existing on vocabularies of 200 words. They have reduced life to a few brief, potent muttenngs. "What do you say we pour honey* savs a young collegian, meaning ma.se love." "Snoggle" is petting, a paperle"" is a teacher's pet, "wooky is lack of mental balance, "cop your phmney means steal another man's girl, a. "doose" is a fast driver, and so is "weezer." ' .' ■ • ' ~ "Zilch" is the last work in bunk, uttered by a tiresome professor. It often hurts me very much To hear the shocking clans. The frightful forms of English speech, Crude grammar—Yankee slang; Poor mutts, queer.birds, quaint guys, these blokes I Gee! What a rummy lot! To talk, as per the sample shown Such priceless, bally rot! They're abso-ballylutely wrong, These pals of Mister Funk. And personally I could wish They'd stow this kind of bunk, How jolly nice it would be, if They'd use the English chat, Lor lumrae, 'ow they'd all improve, Bal jove! What, what! My hat! How painful 'tis to list to coves Who call a girl a "goll," When they should call a girl a "gel," And jokes—"banana oil." How crude to speak- of hoot as "kale," These jokers sure are wrong. (I'd like to mention here to Sam, That half a crown's a "gong.") "Spilling a bibful" seems to me A very shocking breach Of good old English mother-tongue, Pure, perfect British speech; May I correct the faulty Sam? When politicians blab 'Tin usual to politely say, They're gifted with the gab. I learn from 1 the above remarks That when you "Cop your phinney," It really means that you have hooked Some other hombre's Jinny; And In our purer form 'tis clear He hooked the joker's sheila, Or pinched his tart, or stole from Bill His little skirt, Ophelia. I deprecate the ■ use of slang, ■ My cheek with .horror blenches When judges call the ladies "tarts," Instead (good English) "wenches." I hope that Mr. Wilfrid Funk (The publisher and poet) Will buy this seed of English speech, And take it home and sow it. * C.J. I