THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXIII, Issue 261, 3 November 1932, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.)

Tihe examination season is in full swing. In one school a class was asked to convert the following into direct speech: '•Harold remarked that there were MODERN TOUCH, more sheep in Britain than in New Zealand. Has sister immediately contradicted him, and asked the source of such wrong information;" And one youth wrote: "There are more sheep m Britain than in New Zealand," said Harold. "Sez you!" replied his sister. "Who told you that?"

Dear M.A.T.,—Following the illustration in the "Star" of a hen sitting on a litter of puppies and taking a "motherly" interest m 1 L l them, a report has reached PIGS IS PIGS? me of an equally curious unnaturalness in Australia At Wendouree, near Ballarat, a pointer was deprived of her litter of puppies and at the same time a sow died leaving a new-born litter. The pointer took charge of the little pigs until they required maternal care no longer. —Ben.

Newe niters through from Sydney that there had been a motor smash in one of the suburbs, and that at the resultant court hearing a jockey who had seen MOTOR SMASH, the accident gave evidence. A barrister examined him and among other things said: "Now I don't want you to get confused or excited, just answer this simpTe question straightforwardly in as few words as possible. Tell me whether, when you were crossing the street, and the motor bus was coming down on the right side with the taxi opposite on the left and the sports car trying to pass the motor bus, you saw the plaintiff between the two, or whether you saw him at all. Whether he was nearest to the motor bue, the taxi, or the sports car, or cither, or which of them respectively ?" The jockey was silent for a minute, and "then he exclaimed, his voice husky with admiration: "Blime! You'd make a bonzer stipend'ary stooard!"

Dear M.A.T.,—One Sunday morning in a country circuit the reverend gentleman- was speaking of Church -union and told his congregation how he had A BUSMAN'S spent a Sunday lately. He HOLIDAY, said, "I believe there Iβ

good in all Communions, and tli© last time vou gave me a holiday I spent a Sunday thus: At eight o'clock I listened to a Roman Catholic priest, at ten I heard a Church of England minister, and at eleven I was in the Baptist Tabernacle. After lunch I found myself in company with the Salvation Amiy, clapping my hands with Wiem, and at four I wandered into a Y.M.C.A. fathering, while at seven I sat under a Methodist local preacher. Afiter that I strolled down Quay Street to hear the thunderings of a Communist, and," added the reverend gentleman, "all, except perhaps the last one, they had tie same theme, and I learnt a lot. —Unity.

News comes from the East that a Japanese policeman, wearing bullet-proof undies, emerged from a conflict with a nefarious shooter unharmed. From THE P.C.'S SHIRT, the days when the bowmen of Agincourt wore leather jerkins, and from the moment when knights wore chain armour, fighting men have on occasions used defensive waistcoats and other garments, and variations of the Japanese shot-proof undies were common enough in Franco during the Great Crime. Believed in some quarters that soft or loose material will stop a bullet more easily than dense and solid material, although there is no present evidence that warships will eschew steel armour and go in fox New Zealand blankets hung round the ships. One has had the advantage" of seeing the blanket armour in an affray between "free" shearers with police against striking shearers. The few rifles used in this little emeute were sporting rifles—mostly Winchesters, taking a solid, soft, leaden bullet. Men defending a station homestead against this rifle fire hung wet blankets on fences and claimed that they actually "stopped" bullets. It is remembered at any rate that no one was hurt by rifle fire, tut that the casualties were produced by shear blades tied to sticks and used as lances on horseback. Years and years ago there was a German bullet-proof waistcoat designed to stop modern nickelled bullets: An intrepid Fritz wearing one offered himself as a trial target. Where is Fritz now?

Although the young and suburban father lived an expensive life for four years or so when Fritz was throwing double-bangers, he felt that his son should THE be warned against the re-DOUBLE-BANGER. prehensible habit of iblowing up Mr. Fawkes. As a matter of fact, the young fellow has been storing fireworks for some time, and father came across them lately in the washhouse and told eon that he really ought not to throw his pocket money away in this pyrotechnic fashion. Having finished 'his lecture and read the chapter for the evening, the little family retired to bed. In the night feline sounds of great intensity rent the air. Looking out of the window father saw his own tomcat engaged in mortal combat with that yellow Thomas from over the way. He heaved missilee and obloquy on these fighting cats, which merely stole away and continued the bout and chorus behind the rose .pergola. Entering the washhouse where the son and heir's explosives were stored, he selected what is technically known. as a "double-banger," instantly bombarding the contestants. They departed in disorder and in silence, and no remarks came from them for the rest of that night. Meeting ihis pyrotechnic ©on at breakfast, father took iback all he had said about Guy Fawkes and gave him another shilling to keep the double<banger supply up. The remark of an official economist that you can get a good lunch for a shilling in these depressing times may xemind people who habitually eat that THE many visitors to this SHILLING MEAL, country have been astounded at the gastronomic expertness of the population. One lady novelist was frankly astounded at the enormous capacity of the New Zealander at meals and admitted that she hadn't a hope of eating the six or seven gigantic meals New Zealand people thrust on her daily. Speaking of the shilling meal, it seems to be but yesterday that the ever-hungry Maorilander could distend his waistcoat inordinately tliree times a day with a bed thrown in for four shillings per twenty-four hours, there being ostensibly no depression at the time. Tihere used to be in Auckland a few years ago desperate men who lay in wait for eaters and filled them to the chin with choice viands in three or four courses for a shilling. One man who kept' a caravanserai below stairs considered it a disgrace to see a shilling customer leave able to button up his waistcoat. Plates were practically unknown at this restaurant 'because only a large dish could contain the surfeit. Those were the days when butter was left about in mountains and customers used to cheerfully assimilate half a pound or so, to the delight of the management. So intense was the desire of restaurateurs to produce a stertorous population swollen with food that the abstemious person, content with- a pound of steak and three or four "vegs.," simply had to run to escape the attentions of waiters, landladies and other persons determined on jriving him three shillingsworth for a "bob." Heaven forbid that the days of the shilling.gourmand should come Iback-again.