RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume LXIII, Issue 209, 3 September 1932, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS

SHOTS

7 The trouble at Arapuni seems over. v Every cloud has a concrete lining. j Headline:. "London Borrowing." You'd hardly think it needed to. Now, if it was Sydney— Two successive headlines:- "English Cricketers," "Duleepeinhji Doubtful." These dear old English names! More headlines: "Gisborne Harbour." "Economy by Board." So much economy has gone by the board'! I read with more or less satisfaction that wild pigs are becoming scarcer. Still one sees an occasional hog among the traffic. Noting that wrestlers now go to.their engagements by aeroplane, I trust I am in order in hoping that none of them gets a fall. The opinion has been expressed that despite motor cars, the horse will come back. Indeed I know a man whose horeo came back last. It is understood Portugal has anticipated the proposition to outlaw the manufacture of toy soldiers by disbanding its whole armyf . A schoolmaster says: "I thank God boys do not change." I'm. not so sure. I know a little lad who washes hia neck without being told. There is a proposition among the nations to cut the armies in half. Denmark has not decided what to do with its army of three men. Although the latest available Australian vital statistics show the largest diminutions to date, the berth rate on intercolonial steamers remains about the same. Although Mr. Bruce is the only Australian mentioned as having dined with the most eminent of New York bankers, this does not infer that he had to go a loan. A scientist points out that in Britain alone, little noises cost manufacturing industries at least fifty million pounds a year. He neglects to tell us what the Big Noises cost. A Harley Street physician declares that motoring provides no exercise whatever. He's wrong. I'm a pedestrian and motoring provides me with all the exercise I need. The friendly dispute as to whether a Jersey or a Frieeian is the champion butterfat producer of New Zealand is highly interesting, as the Friesian people put their claim in in black and white. There is a silver lining. So many people are walking from doormat to doormat with things to sell, I wouldn't be surprised to hear of some more, boot factories being opened shortly. An overjoyed relief worker eaye that camp is more like a holiday than a camp. Possibly those mud pies, and little buckets and spades remind him of his infantile sports on summer beaches. Mr. Charles Chaplin, most famous of all screen people, objects to his two small sons going into the movies at present. He possibly fears that little Charlie and Siddy are not yet big enough for dad's boots. It is perfectly true that we have an excellent telephone service and that official neglect is extremely rare. Officials, however, are in no way responsible for the message received by a local clergyman desiring him "To put a couple o' quid for me on — in the — handicap." Bernard Shaw has said that children are so great an expense that the State should feed them, and that the 'law should forbid parents leaving money or property to their offspring in their wills. Probably G.B. speake with all the more authority, as he hae plenty of money to leave but no children. , WE HASBEENS.

Great Britain was once the greatest sea power in the world, but now two other nations had greater navies. France and Italy possessed the fastest warships. Italy possessed the fastest motor ships. Half a century ago British whalers were the pride of the Antarctic. Now Norway held a monopoly. If a British ship sank Italy had to salvage it. A floating dock was recently built in England for New Zealand, and. it had to be towed out by Dutch tugs. Britain did not have a tug capable of doing the job, etc. Admiral G. E. Hyde. As far os I can see the game is goosed, The British Empire's tottering to its doom, And nothing we can do will ever boost Our business, or supply another boom. Our brothers, cousins, aunts —and Uncle Bull Will wnlk the plank, and overside will go, Tea! let us all agree, our cup is full, But damn the foreigner who tells us so! We have no Blake, no Nelson, Wellington, No brains to rule, no hands to do the job • In fact, we're futile—take the bally bun; ' Oh, let us weep, oh. brothers, let us sob! Tor Uncle Sam has nil the minted sold We're hasbeens, futile, feeble fatheads. No? Praise of our own will ever leave us cold, Still we burn hot when dagos tell us so! We couldn't win another war on land, The Portuguese can Hck us In the air. And, as for fifrhting ships, I understand They're obsolete nnd gone beyond repair. The Finns nnd Slavs and Alphonse, Fritz and Jean Can beat us hollow at nil sports we know • Wail, brothers wail! Wo are the great Hasbcen, But damn the foreigner who tells us so! We're weak, our trade is bung, our credit gone (Too feeble to take porridge to a pup), Our biceps atrophied, our pot put on, Our name obliterate and our number up. We have no jaws to set, no teeth to grit, No sword-hand reaches for the hilt. No! No! We're finished—let us all agree to it (Unless, of course, some stranger tells us so). Bear with us as the obsequies Are spoken o'er the Umpire's open grave, For all Is lost. My word! too true! gee whizz! Nothing we do can ever Krapire save. Oh, let us groan together, tongue In cheek, Let every pallid person's lip hang low, Let us acknowledge we nre water-weak Until some foreign blighter tells us so! Norway has nobbled all the salvage trade, And Dutch tugs lug our docks across the sea, ' Our former leading lines are German-made, The fastest ships are made in Italy. Lot us luxuriate in streams of tears, Admitting our defeat—until we go Outside the family with three loud cheers To fight the foreigner who tells us so! —OX