IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXIII, Issue 72, 26 March 1932, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

ROOSTING HIGH. Two Maori witnesses were up one day at Court in a case which concerned long continued poultry stealing. As usual, nothing could be got from them in the way of evidence, until the nearly baffled prosecuting counsel asked in a tragic tone, "Will you swear on your word of honour, Hori, that Mokai has never to your knowledge stolen chickens." The responsibility of this oath was too much for Hori. "Py korry, I don't know about that, your Honor," he said, "but py korry I do know," he added, "that if I was a chicken, and Mokai about, I'd roost high." ENTERTAINMENT TAX. "Please I want a tooth pulled out," said the small boy. "And what do the other boys want? "Oh, they're my pals. They're paying me a penny each to see it done." MAKING SURE. A customer sent t'-e following note to his grocer: Please send six dozen eggs. If good. I will send cheque. The grocer, however, was not doing any business on such risky terms, so he replied: Send cheque. If good I will send six dozen eggs. SHARP. The irascible old colonel turned to the young suitor. "You insolent young puppy,' he roared. "Do you mean to tell me that you want to marry my daughter? Do you think for one moment that you could give her what she lias been used to?" . "I think so," retorted the young man. "I've got a very violent temper myself." TRY AGAIN. John was a registered reader of the Swindlem daily paper. His wife had just given birth to twins, so he. telegraphed to the editor: "Wife got twins—please forward cash."

Back came the reply: Congratulations, dear reader. Our canvasser left you out in Ms returns to this office. Make sure we acknowledge your registration next time. SOMETHING IN COMMON. The young maiden and the old maiden shared the same seat on the seaside promenade. "Have a cigarette?" said the sweet young thing. "Certainly not!" pronounced the older lady, severely. "I'd as. soon kiss the first man that comes along as smoke in public." "So would I, but have one while you're waiting." GOOD INTENTIONS, BUT— A country parson, Mr. B > Expounding of his text, Said, "Commentators don't agree fWith me—the 'question's vexed." Next day "there came a rat-tat-tat Upon.the parson's door — The widow Murphy's small boy, Pat, A sack of spuds he bore. "Excuse me, mother heard you say— (The lad was ill at case) — That common 'taters don't agray, So; faith she's sent you these!" A TRY ON. A golfer had somehow managed to get a big spot of black grease on the seaT of a new pair of plus fours. His caddie volunteered to try to remove it, but on the following day he reported that he had been unable to do so. "It's a most troublesome spot, sir," he said. "I can't get it off nohow." "See here," said the sceptical player, "have you tried soft soap and. hot water ?" "Yes, sir. And petrol."' "Did you try ammonia?" "No, sir," he replied. "I ain't tried 'em on anywhere yet, but I think they'd fit me all right." SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE. An English clergyman owned a good farm and ran it on very economical lines; sometimes, however, he carried his economy a little too far. As he was taking a stroll over his broa'd acres one hot, oppressive morning he saw a ploughman sitting on the handle of his plough while the horses rested. It occurred to the clergyman that he paid this man fivepenee an hour, which at. the present moment he was not earning, and he stopped and said gently but reproachfully: "James, wouldn't it be a good plan for you to have a pair of pruning 6hears here and be cutting the hedge whilst the horses are taking their rest 1"

"Sartinly," James replied, "and might I suggest to you, sir, that you should take a dish of taters into the pulpit and peel 'em when the hanthems were on?"

| Prize for Best Story | = or *k* k eßt anecdote sent > n each week 1 - a prize of Five Shilling! i* awarded. § I e this week goes to Mr. V. | I B. Gray, Watea Road, Sandringham, for: | I <milj "ROOSTING HIGH." | SiiiiiimiiimiiiiiiiiiiiJuiitintiiiiniiiimitimiißniuimiimniiiiitiiiimtiiiiiiiiiiii uuiinuiiuiiiiiuniiiiiiiiMmmiiniiiiiimmtmMnia

Hungry. Tramp (to woman): Can you give me something to eat, ma'am? Woman: No! There isn't a thing in the house; and, besides, I've got a couple of letters to write, and no time to waste. Tramp (pleading): Madame, let mfl lick the stamps. I can't starve. :.

She: Anybody would think that I-was nothing but a cook in this householdl He: Not after eating a meal here I The Wife: Before we were marrieS you said you would always anticipate my smallest wish. The Husband: I know. But you don't seem to have any small ones. ' "What would you do if the captain fainted on the bridge?" asked an examiner of a candidate sitting for Lis master-mariner's certificate. "Bring him to," answered the candidate. "Thei what?" "Bring him two more." Minister (heaping coals of fire upos a strayed lamb): As a consequence, von have now a splitting headache, you* mouth is parched, and you wonder if life is worth living. Penitent: That's correct, sir. I can see you've been through it, like the rest of us. Inquiring Lady: How much milk does; your cow give a day? Truthful Boy: 'Bout eight lady. Inquiring Lady: And how much dd you sell? Truthful Boy: 'Bout twelve lady. An. Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were arguing as to which oj their respective countries had tliii lightest men. The Irishman led tli«j argument by saying: "We have ritea of Cork." "That may be," eaid the Scotsman, "but we have men of Ayr.'' "But," said the Cockney, "we have lightermen on the Thames."

Inside Only. ~' Tram Inspector: Are you aware thai none of your passengers -upstairs has a ticket? ' Conductor (new to the job): Bless my; soul, that's through living in a bungalow His Business Hours. Lady of the House (to tramp): I can'! give you any clothing. You must coin* after six o'clock when my husband is in. Tramp: Can't be done, lady. Mj; hours is from ten till four. Competition. Visitor: Why have you come td prison? Convict: Competition brought me her* Visitor: Competition? Convict: Yes, I made the same sort of banknotes as the government. A Nice Mess. Little Willie: Where's me rubber coh lar, mother ? Mother: I've just washed it, dear. Little Willie: Then ye've landed me in a nice mess. I had all me homework sums worked out on it! A Fond Illusion. The fair visitor to the cells was offer* ing words of cheer and to Convict 919 she murmured, "But, my good man, yon must remember that 'stone walls do_not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage. ' "They don't, lady ?" he replied. "Then, believe me, for the last five years I must 'a bin perishin' well 'ypnotised!"